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Newsgroups: rec.travel From: bruno%postmod@cyber.net Subject: Cancun 1992: The Story Part 01/02 Message-ID: <1993Jan13.161933.29556@donner.SanDiego.NCR.COM> Organization: NCR Corp, E&M San Diego Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1993 16:19:33 GMT Lines: 1372

Due to many people requesting information about Cancun, we have decided to post a story recanting the many experiences we had last spring break in Cancun. If you object to foul language, STOP READING NOW! If you object to a life of excess, STOP READING NOW!

If you've made it this far, put on some Latin music, pop open a cold beer (we suggest Corona) and prepare to whisked away to a tropical paradise.....

Greg Bruno (bruno%postmod@cyber.net) Brad Smith (smith%postmod@cyber.net) Tim Wade (timw@wrc.unr.edu) Ken Woo (woo%postmod@cyber.net)

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CANCUN 1992

The Story

by

Greg Bruno Brad Smith Tim Wade Ken Woo

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PREFACE

Consider outer space.

Consider the best vacation one could ever have.

A group of men and a group of women placed in the sensitive tip of an airplane, thrusting into the dark void. A void of unknown ori- gin, hiding unknown pleasures, waiting to be discovered. How would you like to experience a vacation encounter so moving that it would change your political views?

This is a tale of such an experience.

The first group consisted of six beautiful (schwing!) nursing students from Minnesooota. Their names are Monica, Doris, Julie, Cindy, Kim, and Dawn. They will be known collectively as THE GIRLS.

The second group was made up of four brilliant computer geeks, three of whom lived in San Diego, while the fourth was from Reno. Their names are Greg, Brad, Ken, and Tim (herein referred to as THE BOYS). They were definitely not worthy of the good fortune about to befall them.

The third group was made up of two couples, both from Reno. This group will play a lesser role in this tale than The Boys and The Girls but must be mentioned for accuracy sake. This group was made up of Jim and Shannon, Jeff and Andrea (they will be known as THE COUPLES).

Now, The Boys and The Couples were best of friends before the great journey began, and even coordinated their travel. However, nei- ther The Boys nor The Couples knew The Girls existed, and vice versa. For The Boys, The Girls were just a dream. They had no idea what sweet destiny had in store for them.

You are probably wondering about the nature of this journey, so I will tell you. All of the groups were traveling to a magical land called Cancun. The trip was scheduled for a wonderful time of year known as Spring Break, which took place between March 21 and March 29, 1992. The Boys chose this time so they could act obnoxiously without drawing undue attention to themselves. The Girls chose this particu- lar week simply because it fit into their schedule.

This is their story...

5

THURSDAY/FRIDAY

We begin our story in the Reno airport around 6:30 P.M. The Cou- ples had just dropped Tim off, and were on their way to Oakland, which was an adventure by in itself, but we'll save that tale for another time. Meanwhile, back at the Delta check-in, Mr. Clerk was informing Tim that his ticket was for the next day. Since he had gone over his itinerary many times with his travel agent, Tim was sure that Mr. Clerk was trying to dick with him, and so he smiled and ignored him. Mr. Clerk, however, was not dicking with Tim. His ticket really was for the next day. Many thoughts raced through our hero's mind. If he couldn't get on this flight, he would miss his connection to Cancun, and so would the rest of The Boys, since he had their tickets. Luck- ily, there were four seats left, and he procured one. For the next several hours, he thought long and hard on how to punish his travel agent for her mistake. He did come up with an original, quite suit- able sentence, which, for decency sake, can't be told here.

When Tim arrived in the evil land called Los Angeles, he was greeted by the rest of The Boys. Since they had several hours to kill before their flight, they decided to practice being in vacation. Thus, The Boys set out to finish off a mile of red vine licorice as well as over a liter of a golden potion known as tequila. Led by Greg and Tim, they would largely succeed in this task. During their time at the airport, Brad was getting hints that this might not be his best night of the trip.

Charge #1:Brad had all his vacation accessories in a single, huge duf- fel bag, a gift from his dear friend Pat. Put plainly, this bag could crush small infants who were not fortunate (or fast) enough to escape it's weighty mass. Brad, not the mightiest of men, was soon given the nicknames "Slacker" and "Trouble-maker" whenever he carried his duffel-o-death, as he consistently lagged behind the rest of the group.

Defense #1:In order to fully understand the plight of young Brad, we must also realize the subtle complexities of his situation. When Brad was just a mere child of 5 years, he and his fam- ily made a road trip from Orange County to San Francisco. Brad's father had this thing about getting anywhere as fast as possible. This meant Indy 500 style pit stops and no meal breaks. Usually, each family member would bring what- ever snacks they could scrounge. In the true Darwinian spirit[1], no one was allowed to share. Brad, being only 5, had no clue who Darwin was or how to scrounge. Thus, Brad _________________________

[1] Survival of the fittest, you know

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starved and hated long trips.

From that time on, Brad vowed never to let any child go hungry or take long trips. After hearing of the terrible poverty in Mexico, Brad felt it his duty to bring as many canned food goods and perishables as possible for those less fortunate than himself. Not wanting to appear wimpy or fem- inine, he did not tell The Boys of his secret mission to feed the poor. We can now see why Brad's bag was so heavy and cumbersome, and that his "lagging" was due to the fact that he was actually handing out canned goods to the small infants and not "crushing" them as Charge #1 implies. Brad was truly the Tin Man with a heart.

Charge #2:When The Boys had to show the airline personnel their passports, guess who had only a crinkled, barely legible photocopy of a birth certificate? Brad was simply a victim of circumstance, a plaything of cruel misfortune. His dad was supposed to give him the authentic certificate and not some cheap imitation. Fortunately, they were still in Amer- ica. For $20, Brad was able to get a notary to certify that he was indeed a proud red-headed, freckle-faced American. Needless to say, this little episode only added credence to Brad's moniker, "Trouble-maker." Brad's dad was now doomed to the same punishment as Tim's travel agent.

Defense #2:There is no defense for Brad's father. He is still con- demned to the vengeful wrath of his son.

Once The Boys received their boarding passes, they went directly to the wrong departure gate. Always on their toes, The Boys assessed the situation and took action. Greg began to play with the airport intercom, while Ken and Tim used the fine hard surface of the ticket- ing desk to slice their limes, which go wonderfully with tequila. From their past exotic adventures, The Boys had mastered the ancient ritualistic art of consuming the bronze nectar, tequila. Basically, the victim, uh, the Chosen One, would quickly consume a shot and then suck the life out of a slice of lime.

After The Boys found the right departure gate, they settled down to wait for their flight. To help pass the time, Greg pulled out his magical box of sounds, "MY FIRST SONY" (NOT a Fisher Price). Though the magical box of sounds appeared small, its voice equaled the thun- derous cry of the god ZEUS! While The Boys listened to Queen's melodic "Bohemian Rhapsody," a pretentious young man slowly cruised by, possessing a rather large boom box that blared Hammer's "2 Legit". As Freud once said, "The size of the radio is inversely proportional to the size of the penis." By looks of his boom box, his Mr. Happy must have been very sad. To bring this boy back to reality, Greg

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turned up the volume. He had barely done so when a small child (sit- ting next to Greg) began to bleed from the ears. Sigh. In battle, it is the innocent who must pay for the lessons of others. The young man witnessing the bleeding child quietly collected the shards of his dig- nity and slithered away.

Finally, the time to depart arrived. Shortly after takeoff, Tim and Greg discovered that large amounts of tequila don't go well with flying. As soon as the seat belt light weas turned off, Greg took up residence in his private suite at the front of the plane and was sel- dom seen until landing in Guadalajara. Meanwhile, Tim found a plastic bag, that had moments before held headphones, and deposited some used tequila. He then neatly folded the bag and replaced it in the seat pocket. While Tim and Greg were fighting their own battles, Brad decided to converse with a local in his (the local's) native tongue. Brad, utilizing his four distinguished years of college (Pepperdine) Spanish, pushed and shoved the pronunciation of the word "su" to new heights. Overall, the conversation could have been more productive, but it was amusing just the same, and most importantly used up time.

After a short stop in Guadalajara, The Boys continued on to Mex- ico City, a.k.a. La Ciudad de Smoga, where they were to make their last connecting flight that would take them to the promised land. As they got off the plane, they discovered that it was possible for an entire city to actually reek. The smell did nothing for Tim and Greg, but thanks to their great strength of will and mental powers, they both managed to not hurl on anyone. An official looking airline woman asked everyone that was continuing on to Cancun to follow her. The Boys followed like cattle. She led the group to what appeared to be a traffic light. She told the group to form a line. She then instructed each person to push a button located just below the traffic light. As each passenger did, the traffic light flashed green. The passenger was then directed to the connecting plane's boarding area. The Boys were confused by this strange and mystical ritual. It must be one of those customs that resorts do that's suppose to put you in the right mood, The Boys reasoned. Kinda like getting a free pull on the giant slot machine in Vegas. Soon, it was Ken's turn. GREEN. Then Brad's to push the button. GREEN. Greg stepped up and pushed the button. Bzzzzzzzzt! The traffic light flashed a shocking blood RED! "Ooooh gawd," thought Greg, "Does this mean I'm going to sacri- ficed??" As the official looking woman led a reluctant Greg to a nearby table, Tim, playing the odds, quickly took his turn and pushed the button. The traffic light flashed a serene GREEN. The rest of The Boys followed Greg to the table. Another official looking woman pointed to Greg's bag and then patted the table. "Oh, oh," Greg said under his breath, as he placed his bag on the table. The Boys noticed the security guards giving them the once over. Immediately, the woman unzipped and opened the bag. There, on top of Greg's clothing for all the world and God to see, were reams of Trojan lubricated prophylac- tics. Rain coats. Love gloves. Rubbers. The woman smiled, brushed them aside, and continued her search. She then gave Greg the okay sign and let him pass. Greg mumbled thanks, zipped up his bag, and

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Thursday/Friday Cancun 1992

quickly moved on. Soon, The Boys were airborne.

At 11:00 A.M. local time, they finally arrived in their Xanadu. The Boys were in Cancun! The Boys were IN VACATION! They quickly boarded one of the fine air-conditioned (i.e. the windows were open) transport vans and headed for their home away from home, the Royal Caribbean, the fabulous resort where they would spend the next ten days. On the way, The Boys' minds drifted. Brad and Ken, who were Cancun rookies, imagined all the wondrous and exciting things they were about to see and experience. Oh yes, they also couldn't wait to check out the babes. Tim and Greg, Cancun veterans, anticipated all the sights and sounds that they couldn't wait to re-experience. Oh yes, they also couldn't wait to check out the babes.

Upon arrival, The Boys checked in to their magnificent suite (D1011), removed as much clothing as years of social-moral condition- ing would allow, and headed to the pool. Several hours later, they tired of the locals and other tourists spying their muscle bound bodies, and went to meet The Couples, who had arrived a little later than themselves. After an emotional greeting they all decided to get a late afternoon snack at the resort's on-site eating establishment. Here, Andrea would shred herself for the first (but far from last) time during the trip. The waiter was going around the table taking drink orders, when Andrea, for no apparent reason, blurted out "club sandwich." Since this was not a common answer to the prevailing ques- tion, she received many strange looks, causing her to feel shame. The rest of the afternoon was spent doing as little as possible.

That evening, the group decided to cruise out to Carlos 'n Charlies for dinner. Since the number of passengers exceeded the average taxi's recommended capacity, The Boys rode in one and The Couples rode in another. On the way, Greg, riding shotgun, decided to make small talk with the driver. Greg asked the driver if he was going to "get some" tonight. The driver paused, and answered that he didn't know since he was married. Meanwhile, The Couples' taxi had pulled up alongside. When The Boys looked over, the rear driver-side window of The Couples' taxi was plastered with a massive snow-white blob of fatty tissue. Thanks to centuries of selective breeding, with lightning quick reflexes Greg instinctively stood, bent over, and pulled-down his shorts to display his hairy gluteus maximus. With their appetites properly whetted, the group pulled up to Carlos 'n Charlies.

After they had been seated and their orders taken, the group sur- veyed their surroundings. The group had noticed a rather large pack of females a couple of tables over. The females asked a waiter to take their picture. He agreed and was promptly handed about 8 cam- eras. While the waiter was taking pictures, Greg also took one with his own camera, which he then replaced in his pocket. Typical of a person who was deprived of Sesame Street as a child, one of the girls

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Cancun 1992 Thursday/Friday

in the other group thought he had stolen her camera and insisted he return it. Insulted by her rash accusation, Greg gave her a well deserved harsh tongue lashing on manners, and sent her back from whence she came reducing her to a bug on the windshield of life.

After the group consumed the outstandingly unpretentious Mexican cuisine, they decided to mosey on over to the restaurant's social/dance area (also known as the leering lot. "Oooh my gawd! Did you see his/her butt! Like but-taah!"). During the many previous pilgrimages to Cancun, none of the group had ever spent an evening at Carlos 'n Charlies. The group was a little apprehensive, worried they might not have fun. Shaaw. As if! They were in Cancun, and it was Spring Break. Of course they would have fun. It was outdoors, excel- lent, and they played good music, bonus. The only drawback they found was that Carlos 'n Charlies served the worst tasting beer ever brewed.

The Boys couldn't help but notice the crowd was VERY young. They could barely remember when they had been that young (substance abuse had wiped out a good portion of the memory cells responsible for that era of their lives). Greg decided that young was a bad word, and would be replaced in conversation with "age deficient" for the remainder of the week.

As they rallied forth, Tim, a classic rock man[2] at heart, could not help but be surprised (and yes, a little impressed) by the selec- tion of music spewing from the speakers. As the age deficient crowd crooned to Loverboy's "Working For The Weekend," the musical savants of the group couldn't help but wonder how in the hell these hormonally pumped, predominately 70s-birthed babes knew the words! Brad could stand it no longer! Driven mad by curiosity, he approached a fabulous age deficient blonde female whose tanned, nubile body (by Soloflex TM ) gyrated to a screaming Mike Reno. Brad politely tapped the scantily clad one on the shoulder and asked her how she came to be acquainted with the song to which she was fiendishly swaying her supple (yet firm) breasts which no milk-thirst baby could resist. She stopped, pirouetted, looked into Brad's soul, smiled, and whispered in a soft silky voice, "I don't know." Brad blinked, thanked the innocent young lass, turned and walked away, paraphrasing to himself the immortal words of the late great President John F. Kennedy, "A child misedu- cated is a child lost. But I'd still fuck her."

_________________________ [2] Classic Rock A term commonly used to refer to an artist's work that originated between 1965 and 1983, kind of like a VW Bug. For a piece of work to be truly classic, the band must be defunct, artist/member expired due to mysterious circumstances or substance abuse, or have written a poignant rock opera during the prescribed time period.

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Thursday/Friday Cancun 1992

After Carlos 'n Charlies, the Boys cruised over to the Hard Rock, which had always been one of their past favorites. It was here where they saw the first truly tooled[3] person of the trip. She staggered over to her friends table, sat down (collapsed is more like it), and apparently spewed[4] on the floor. She then lifted her head, her eyes rolled back, and she took a face first digger into the table. Several seconds later, she recovered enough to lift her head and repeat the process. After many iterations, her friends finally decided to take her home. Unfortunately for her, not before Greg immortalized her on film.

Due to the long flight down, The Boys decided to call it a night and flagged a taxi. On the way home, Greg complimented the driver on his fine American made taxi and the Detroit steel from which it was sculptured. The driver, pleased, decided to exhibit his driving skills by showing just how close he could drive next to other motor- ized objects on the road. Needless to say, The Boys were speechless.

* * *

In one of the College of St. Catherine's[5] grand lecture halls, The Girls gave each other knowing glances. Soon, they would be relax- ing on a tropical beach, tanning under a hot Cancun sun, and sipping the local drink from a carved pineapple. Little did they know that the trip they daydreamed of, would change their lives. Forever.

_________________________ [3] tooled (tuld) adj. 1: having the facilities greatly impaired by alcohol _ [4] spewed (spud) vt. 1: To disgorge the stomach content through the mouth [5] Located in Pig's Eye, Minnesota, the college of St. Catherine was founded in 1905 by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, the patron saint of pasturized cheese. The College of St. Catherine is one of the largest women's colleges in the United States.

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Cancun 1992 Saturday

SATURDAY

At the crack of dawn, the next day began, as all of the remaining days would, with a huge buffet breakfast. For The Boys, breakfast was not just the first meal of the day. Oh no my dear friends. It was the day's first major EVENT! Stacks of pineapple waffles! Piles of coconut pancakes! <CHOMP> Omelettes con todo! Gobs of refried beans! <SLURP> All washed down with O.J. and a strong cup o' Joe! Stomachs full and brains wired, The Boys waddled back to their room to prep for the next daily function.

Lubed? CHECK!

Sony? CHECK!

Tapes? CHECK!

Shades? CHECK!

Keys CHECK!

STOP! Pool time! <Oooooohhhh! Oooooooooohhhhh!>

The Boys were off to the pool for their morning douche, fol- lowed by a nap in the warm Mexican sun.

The Couples had a different formula on how to make a vaca- tion. Their equation was simple:

The CLOPTON-PEARSON Vacation Equation

inf ----\ FOOD + SUN days \ ------------ + (SLEEP + SEX) = VACATION / pi ----/ days = 0

If one wasn't careful to check his remainders, this equation could make something else, 9 months later! The bottom line was The Couples rarely made an appearance before noon. This day was no different.

After the customary greetings between The Boys and The Couples, Jim found (stole temporarily might be more accurate) a volleyball. Being the creative people that they were (and due to the boredom that was slowly setting in) they invented a new form of water polo, WATER MOSHBALL! Shannon and Andrea, being non-adventurous type girls, decided to sit this one out. Andrea, surveying the expansive pool, complete with restaurant and bar, announced to everyone that she was, "going to the swim up pool."[6] That comfortable mantle of shame once _________________________

[6] Think about it.

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Saturday Cancun 1992

again settled over Andrea's body. For the next hour, Jim, Jeff, and The Boys partook of their newly-invented activity, terrorizing all other people in the near vicinity.

Later that afternoon, everyone walked to the beach for volleyball (with the same ball, which Jim had re-found) and body surfing in the warm blue ocean.

* * *

"Oh, for yucky. Will this snow ever stop?", Dawn asked no one in particular.

The Girls were in a vile mood. They had been sitting in the Min- neapolis airport for the last six hours due to a blizzard of Biblical porportions.

To get her mind off their not so good deal, Julie asked Kim, "How's it going with with your boyfriend?"

Kim: Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think more of that car than he does of me. He spends more time with it. He also caresses it more.

Julie:I know what you mean. And if you go out to the shop he says "What?" the way he does.

Kim: My mother said I should watch out for other women. She didn't say anything at all about watching out for cars.

Julie:You bet. If he looked at another woman I'd take it as a sign of health.

Kim: You got that right.

Soon, the snow stopped, and the runways were cleared. Thoughts of wild exuberance filled their mind as they boarded their plane.

* * *

The boys spiked the volleyball around in such a form that would turn even Sinjin Smith green with envy, A curly blonde (by Clorox TM ) haired girl asked if she could join the game. The Boys couldn't help but notice her very interesting bathing suit. She was given the honorary title "Butt Floss." The Boys decided that fluorescent pink definitely wasn't her color. For someone who had long bright pink fingernails and a skimpy top that barley contained her substantial mammaries, she really sucked at volleyball. After the game, she droned on and on about her past physical mishaps (unlimited stories about broken fingers and ankles). Obviously, she didn't realize that The Boys didn't give a shit. Definitely mental.

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Cancun 1992 Saturday

All day, Greg had been psyching himself up, so as to be able to converse with the age deficient crowd he knew he would encounter that night. He used a new technique called "age decompression", which con- sisted of mentally regressing oneself back to an earlier stage of life. By the time the Boys ventured out, Greg was once again 19, and ready for LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE!

Because the night before had gone fairly well, The Boys decided to return to Carlos 'n Charlies. Once again, it was a babefest, and the beer was still the worst ever. However, the music, by Tim's stan- dards, had taken a definite downturn (ie. the music was produced within the last 5 years and the artists were still alive and had not written a rock opera). The DJ had apparently lost all the good head- banging rock music from the night before and resorted to a mindless disco beat. But you know, being mindless is sometimes a good thing. Especially in vacation.

Greg convinced a group of graduate business students that he was also working on an MBA, just as they were. Tim persuaded the same people to believe that he was in his third year of med school and was doing research for Masters & Johnson to see if soap operas, on a sub- conscious level, caused housewives to have extra-maritial affairs. This episode proved beyond doubt, in The Boys' minds, that business students certainly aren't the brightest in the world, even if they did scam their way into grad school.

Greg eventually found a group of women with whom he had a nice conversation. Using his usual script, he asked where they went to school. They answered a private high school in New Jersey. Greg was more than a little stunned by this, and asked, "You're in high school?" "Yes, but we're seniors!" they exclaimed with glee (as if that made it OK). "Me too," Greg muttered, and pretended to hear his mother call him. Obviously, he hadn't taken his age decompression far enough back. This was just another example of the many age deficient people present during Spring Break.

Later that night, Greg spotted an attractive female personage but was unable to come up with an opening. Noticing Greg's plight, Ken helped him out. Ken: "Bud, I know what will work. Turn around." Greg obediently performed an about-face, so that they were now facing the girl's slim back. With a single motion, Ken tapped the girl on the shoulder and turned around, setting Greg up to perfection. Quick on his feet, Greg recovered, by saying, "I think one of my friends wants me to talk to you. Heh heh." From this IGnoble beginning, he was able to keep the conversation going for quite some time. The rest of the Boys were all very impressed.

The night before, Greg had devised a crude, but surprisingly accurate, 15 point rating system to apply to the various females

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Saturday Cancun 1992

spotted by The Boys. Tonight, the system was perfected. It was decided that points would be awarded on the following attributes: 1 point for each breast, a point each for good hair, legs, butt, and smile. The remaining points were awarded at the discretion of each judge. Obviously, the uh, "friendlier" the ratee was, the higher her discretionary score. Anyone who smoked automatically lost all points earned to date, and was banned from future competition.

This was also the night Ken won the prize for the dumbest line (there's such a fine line between clever and dumb) that worked. Ken, surveying the room with obvious abandon, spied a flaxen-haired girl whose beautiful eyes resembled twin crystal blue suns going nova. Greg, ever so inquisitive, asked Ken what he was drooling over. Ken promptly pointed out Beautiful Eyes to his trusted companion. "Oh," said Greg, and all was forgotten. A few minutes later, Greg noticed Beautiful Eyes and her friend strolling by. He politely stopped them, grabbed Ken, and said, "My friend has something to tell you." Face- to-face with Beautiful Eyes, Ken's mind turned to putty (let's be honest here, his mind was well on it's way to puttydom already, but this caused total meltdown). Purely on years of finely honed reflexes, Ken stared at Beautiful Eyes and stammered, "You have beau- tiful eyes." Always careful to not alienate anyone, he turned to Beautiful Eyes' companion and commented (after a slight pause), "and, uh, you have, uh, beautiful hair." Needless to say, Beautiful Eyes (Stacy) and Beautiful Hair (Lori) were enthralled by the charms of The Boys.

Several hours later, and quite loaded, The Boys decided to head back to the Hard Rock. Outside, waiting for a taxi, they witnessed a rather large taxi slowly nudge a moped. The moped driver, extending his New York hospitality and good cheer to all men, called the taxi driver a "wetback"[7] among other things. A Jack Nicholson grin slowly crept onto The Boys' faces when they observed Senor Policia looking muy annoyed at the graduate of the Louie De Palma School of Charm.

The Boys found a taxi and piled in. As Greg tried to shut his door, an unusual loud thud sounded. "Hmm, the seat belt must be in the way," Greg deduced. [Shaaw. As if any Mexican taxis have seat belts.] When he turned around to check the door, he saw Tim's face mimic the guy in Edvard Munch's "The Scream."

Apparently it had been Tim's finger that stopped the door from clos- ing. For an instant, Tim's mind pictured a butter knife hacking a way at his fingers. If this had happened earlier in the night, it _________________________

[7] As you, the intelligent reader, knows, there are no such things as a (implied Mexican) "wetback" in Mexico. But since this statement came from a New Yorker, it was understandable. New York Law: If you yell something loud enough, it's gotta be true.

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probably would have hurt a lot more. But by this point, it was quite bearable.

The Hard Rock was not a happening place on this particular night, so The Boys decided to try the Guadalajara Grill. The previous year, this institution had been named Mama de Tarzan, and had been a lot of fun. This year, it was pretty much a Carlos 'n Charlies clone. Bogus. The Boys hung out for a while, head-banging[8] to Nirvana, and amusing themselves by baptizing each other (in the fine Hispanic trad- ition) with the holy waters of Corona and Dos Equis. Properly bap- tized (soaked and twisted), they found a cab and headed home.

On the way back, Greg found it necessary to display his god-given butt to a couple snuggling (Shaaw! That's what they were doing) in a neighboring cab. The guy probably deserved it, and his date probably liked it.

* * *

It was late, but The Girls didn't care. They had finally arrived. Tired, and slightly buzzed, they picked up their luggage and headed for their next destination, the Royal Carribbean.

_________________________ [8] head-bang (hed bang) vt To violently thrust, at a high rate of velocity, one's cranial in constant forward-backward motion. Kids, don't try this unless you are a trained professional or a licensed professional is present. Thanks to Brad, Ken found out that head-banging can be a dangerous sport.

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Sunday Cancun 1992

SUNDAY

At this point in the story, we must backtrack just a bit. Ever since The Boys had arrived in Cancun, they had tried to scam as many photo opportunities (or as they say in the biz, "photo ops") as possi- ble, meaning to get in to as many people's vacation pictures as they could. They were getting quite adept at this, but Greg was truly becoming a master. Many, many people will be scratching their noggin, wondering who those strange guys are in their pictures.

Sunday began with the customary breakfast and pool douche. While The Boys laid out to let the sun slowly work its special magic on their all too male physiques, a group of five quite attractive, young (not so young as to be age deficient) ladies[9] walked by. The Boys nonchalantly looked up. Ken overheard one of them comment, "We can't look any stupider than we did yesterday." He pondered this statement for a moment. Ken decided to just file it under "East Coast Thing" and slumped back into his lounge chair. He was, as you know, in vaca- tion.

The Boys were rudely awakened from their Never Never Lands by the sounds of badly distorted bass. Tim was, to say the least, slightly miffed since he was thoroughly enjoying RUSH's most excellent tune, "2112". The Royal Carribbean had just started their daily water aero- bics class. As The Boys watched the class slosh their groove thang in the pool, Ken noticed the group of five lovely young things who were sure they couldn't look any stupider than yesterday. He just smiled and thought to himself that they were quite mistaken. Too good an opportunity to pass up, The Boys joined in. Sort of. They paid an enduring tribute to the great water ballerina Aqua Hoseria, followed by an ode to those wonderfully brave and courageous Olympic synchron- ized swimmers. Mostly they encouraged the other people in the class.

At noon, there was a free (an awfully good price) happy hour. Of course, The Boys, along with Jim and Jeff, were all over this. In addition to the happy hour, there was a canoe race. Since none of them had ever participated before, Tim and Greg found female-type partners (Christy and Pam respectively) and entered.

In the first round of the race, Greg had disappeared, so Ken took his place. Tim and Christy were off to a huge lead and won handily _________________________

[9] Sorry, wrong group. These weren't The Girls. Remember there were supposed to be six girls. The time was not yet right, the stars and planets were not properly aligned. So, STOP reading this footnote and go back to "The Story!"

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Cancun 1992 Sunday

despite the ramming technique employed by Ken and Pam[10]. In the second round, Tim and Christy were vastly overmatched. Lagging far behind, with no chance of victory remaining, Tim decided it would be more fun to capsize and get a tow from the jetski guy. So he did. Calmly dropping his paddle and grasping the sides of the canoe, he dumped himself and his partner into the lagoon. This was done so subtly that most people didn't realize it was intentional. Christy, now with her sunglasses somewhere in the muck at the bottom of the lagoon, was not amused, and would not speak to Tim for the remainder of the week. It should be noted that he did provide her with a new, better pair, so don't feel sorry for her.

* * *

"Hey! Did you see that?" Dawn asked.

Distracted from her book, "LOST, LONELY, AND VICIOUS" (the white-hot story of what happens to boys and girls who come to Wisconsin...seeking success, and clawing their way to the top!), Cindy looked up, "What?"

"One of the canoes tipped over!"

"Ewwwww, I'd hate to swim in that water. It looks gross." Julie commented, as she rubbed more tanning oil on her arms.

* * *

Next on the agenda was volleyball. The Boys were awesome, going 6-0, including a most excellent victory over some real college players (two of whom were Christy and Pam). The victory was even more impres- sive and sweet since the crowd was wholeheartedly rooting against the often misunderstood Boys, as usual. The Boys didn't mind. They didn't blame the crowd. They blamed society.

It was during these volleyball games that Brad first spied his Dream Woman. She made Brad feel kinda funny. Like when he used to climb the rope in gym class. He needed serious psychological help, so he stumbled over to Greg, and proceeded to point out the woman. Under his lost breath, he whispered,

"Her eyes hold the key To this, my imprisoned heart She's babe-a-licious"

_________________________ [10] Ken and Pam would have had a much better chance if Ken hadn't succumbed to Pam's matriarchal direction decisions.

13

Sunday Cancun 1992

Greg responded, "Hey Brad, that's a Haiku. Excellent." With the fire in his belly rekindled, Brad roared to the others, "Okay Boys, let's show these Eastern pukes how this game is really played!" Brad rallied the team onto another victory. After the game, Brad looked for Dream Woman, but she had disappeared, leaving Brad only a fleet- ing, beautiful fantasy of a love he never had.

After dinner, The Boys once again headed to Carlos 'n Charlies, but major lack of sleep was taking its toll, and, at the stroke of midnight, they went home.

Upon reaching the villa, Greg discovered the message light on the phone flashing. He called to see what the message was, and talked to Orlando, the night guy. It turned out he had already received the message, so he asked Orlando to just turn off the light. Orlando replied that he couldn't, it would have to flash all night. Greg said it was too bright and he couldn't sleep with it on. Orlando told him to put a sheet on it. Greg replied, "You want me to take a shit on it? Won't that kind of smell? What do I do in the morning - pee on it to wash it off?" Eventually, they fingered it out. Kind of. In clos- ing, Greg said, "Party on Orlando."

Orlando: OK, good night Greg.

Greg: No. You say party on Greg.

Orlando: Party on Greg.

Greg: No. You say it after me. Party on Orlando.

Orlando: Party on Greg.

14

Cancun 1992 Monday

MONDAY

Once again, The Boys started the day at the pool. Except Brad. He had grown weary of the sun and pool and opted for the beach. He sat under his shade laden palapas and spent most of his time napping and drooling on himself. This was Brad's Nirvana. In between naps, he occupied his conscious moments with reading. For no apparent rea- son, he felt an urge to look up from his book. There in the palapas directly in front of him, Brad saw his Dream Woman lying in the siz- zling sun and reading a book. Brad mused, "Hmmm, she's definitely educated. Excellent!" All of sudden, he saw her look up! Not wanting to have Dream Woman think he was some kind of perv, Brad quickly diverted his eyes back to his book. After a few moments, he put down his book and pretended to need some sun lotion. As he nonchalantly applied the BullFrog, Brad slyly glanced at the Dream Woman. He saw her talking to someone. "Damn," he thought, "I should've figured someone like her would have a boyfriend. The great ones are always taken." But lo' and behold! When Brad saw that Dream Woman was actu- ally talking to a girl, his heart pounded once again and sparked his belly ablaze! Brad was about to make his move, when the rest of The Boys showed up. They had come to get him for the afternoon volleyball game. He had yet to meet her, but in time she would be his, oh yes, she would be his.

During one of the volleyball games, someone hit a poor shot that sent the ball rolling towards the ocean. Since Ken was the closest, he took after the ball. As the ball tumbled closer towards the open sea, Ken put the pedal to the metal. Then, the strangest thing hap- pened. The faster Ken ran, the slower everything else seemed to move, including the ball. Thoughts of Einstein and bad mimes flashed through his mind. "NO!", screamed Ken's brain, "I must concentrate on saving that ball! If I live or die, that ball must stay dry!" As the ball rolled within inches of the surf, Ken shot past the ball and, with one fell swoop, slammed it back with his hand! But, the laws of physics (principally inertia) would not be denied! Ken had all that momentum and nowhere to go. Except into the ocean. The calm blue water of the Caribbean swallowed poor Ken. As he emerged from the ocean blue, he felt his head hit something. He found the volleyball mockingly bobbing next to him. The entire beach crowd did give him an ovation though. Major fame. Thanks Mr. Warhol, Ken thought.

After volleyball, there was a mini happy hour with $1 beer. Greg didn't recognize the beer, so he asked the bartender, "Is this scary?" The bartender, displaying his masterful grasp of the English language, confidently replied, "Jayce."

Later that day at real happy hour, Greg noticed what appeared to be a somewhat attractive female on a balcony many floors above the

15

Monday Cancun 1992

poolside palapas. Being a sociable guy, he waved. Being a polite girl, she waved back. The Boys then entered a spirited debate on how old she was. Since they were in age deficient mode, they concluded she was pretty young, which was now OK for them, since they had all undergone age decompression treatment. A few minutes later, The Boys noticed other people on the same balcony who looked suspiciously like parental units. OOPS. Even funnier, the girl, her sister, and mom came down to happy hour. In a smooth covering move, The Boys bought the whole group a round. Since she consumed her alcoholic beverage they determined that she was either 21 or had very lenient parents.

When official happy hour was over, The Boys went back to their home, Apt #D1011, to begin their own private happy hour. Out on the balcony, they caught the attention of another group of women across the way, and decided it would be a good idea to deliver some margari- tas to their room. The group turned out to be six New Yorkers.[11] Boo, Tim thought. While they made small talk, One of the girls turned to Ken and asked, "This is a long shot, but are you the guy playing volleyball that threw himself in the water?" Somewhere in the dis- tance, a lone prairie dog howled into the still, moonlit night.

Despite that fact that these girls were from New York, they did repay The Boys' generosity with the two most valuable tips they would get all week: Fat Tuesday and The Bus.

The Boys politely excused themselves, and hooked up with The Cou- ples (who had spent the day in Cozumel) for dinner. The Boys told them they were going to Fat Tuesday that night. Andrea didn't quite understand the concept of Fat Tuesday and said, "But it's Monday." Shannon, Jim, Jeff and The Boys collectively hung their heads, for they knew Andrea had just shamed herself for the third time in as many days. She was having an outstanding season.

The Boys' first experience with the bus was great. For only 2000 pesos, they could go anywhere. During the ride, four girls got on and tried guessing the ages of The Boys. They couldn't get exact ages but were absolutely sure that Brad and Greg were the oldest. Tim, MUCH older than what the girls thought, experienced a brief shining moment of false youthfulness. But as with all things totally wrong, he was soon recognized for what he was, Tim the Elder.

As they approached Fat Tuesday for the first time, The Boys could feel the pull of Belinda's siren voice belting out the Go-Go's "Vaca- tion." Most apropos. This had to be a good place. In fact, the bar _________________________

[11] No, stupid. They aren't The Girls. The Girls were from Minnesooota, not New York. Also, The Girls were beautiful (schwing!), remember? Hellooooooo.

16

Cancun 1992 Monday

could be described in one word: Excellent. Lots of space both indoors and out, plus pseudo slurpee machines with many flavors of daquiri style drinks. Fat Tuesday was also fully equipped with sand strewn dance pit, beach front, and dock.

Slurpee in hand, the Boys immersed themselves into the music and partying crowd. As they walked towards the dance pit, The Boys could feel the beat. Senor DJ was digging that volume knob. The Boys fig- ured that maybe Senor DJ was being serviced, for the music grew increasingly louder. Until the sound system fought back. Soon Bon Scott was screaming, "I'm on the High-BUUZZZTTTT-FFRRRPPPTTTT, to Hell!" For awhile, The Boys thought that their ears had blown a fuse. Not wanting to appear to be girly-men with sensitive, girly-men ears, no one said anything. Inevitably, the sound system won. There was music no more. After repeatedly slapping their hands against one's ears and screaming at each other, The Boys realized that Senor DJ had indeed blown out his sound system. But to The Boys dee-light, Senor DeeJ dee-bugged his system and music once again filled the Cancun night!

At one point, a psycho-dance-beast found Greg. She actually bore a striking resemblance to Cousin It. With each beat, her full mane of long, thick brown hair engulfed her face. At one point, all Greg could see was a mass of brown with a tongue poking through it all. She was truly possessed by the vacation spirits. When the song ended, she melted back into the crowd without ever having spoken a word to Greg (Bonus!).

Soon, the alcohol and dancing took it's toll. The Boys decided to call it a night and headed home. They were exhausted, but VERY happy. They would definitely be back primed and ready the next night.

Home and stress relieved, The Boys decided to kick back on the balcony and talk about life. The cool Cancun night air felt good. As The Boys pondered their existence, sounds of giggles and splashing water interrupted Tim hypothesising that we were all just living in a miniscule universe that existed in someone's fingernail. As Tim mused for his true meaning amidst the horny substance and random sand/dirt/boogers on the tip of his finger, the rest of the Boys searched the grounds for the source of this timely interruption.

* * *

"Hey Monica, do you hear someone ranting?", asked Julie.

"I thought it was a cat!" replied Kim. She was quickly rewarded with splashes of water from Julie and Cindy.

* * *

17

Monday Cancun 1992

"Aaaaah, three water nymphs frolicking in the pool," The Boys thought. Greg looked at Tim. Tim looked at Greg. Ken and Brad passed out. Before you could scream "HAPPY HAPPY! JOY JOY!", Greg and Tim jumped into their swimming trunks and were down at the pool. The Boys introduced themselves and found out the names of the nymphs to be Cindy, Julie, and Monica. Scha-wing! They all talked for about an hour, seeing who could come up with the grossest true story. Tim and Greg, being guys, had a natural advantage, and won the contest handily. For some reason, the conversation turned to weight loss methods. The Girls informed Greg and Tim that a tapeworm was a really fast, easy way to lose weight. Tim wondered if they were trying to subtly say he was uh, weight challenged. Greg, on the other hand, was mentally adept enough to know what they were implying about his body size and shape. They also discovered they were living almost next door to each other. Little did The Boys know, one of the BEST VACATION of their lives had officially begun.

Fearing prune hands, The Boys said goodnight to the nymphs and headed back to their room. Greg decided to call the night guy Orlando, just to see how he was. After a couple of rings, Orlando picked up the phone and asked, "Greg, are you fucking?"

Party on, Orlando.

18

Cancun 1992 Tuesday

TUESDAY

Following the golden rule, "Why fix it if it works?", The Boys and The Couples occupied their usual spot at the pool. Soon they were joined by Julie, Cindy and Monica, followed by a couple of lovely ladies, Kim and Dawn. Vacation was getting better and better. The Boys found out that these girls were soon-to-be-nurses from Minnesota.

Feeling the effects of the hot sun, The Boys decided to teach these women the joy of water MOSHBALL. Dawn and Monica thought that this might not be such a good deal and opted out. As it turned out, the game was not meant to be co-ed. After several broken nails, the group decided to try water volleyball for a while. Can you say IG?

"Look at those clouds", Cindy pointed out.

"It's not loooking goood", observed Julie.

"It makes you wonder," commented Kim.

When it comes to weather, don't mess with people from Minnesota. Rain began to fall from the sky. The Water god Chuck was having his way. It looked like the day was taking a turn for the worse.

Seeing everyone's mood slipping out of vacation mode, Kim sug- gested, "So, let's play quarters then." Having found purpose, every- one re-located to The Boys' room. The Group was back in vacation once again.

The whole object of Quarters is to bounce a quarter into a shot glass. Simple. NOT! To make it decently interesting, certain nega- tive re-enforcements (ie. Greg's "margaritas"[12]), and public humili- ation were associated when you missed the glass, and certain rewards were earned when you made the quarter in the glass. This seemingly innocent game demanded stamina, concentration, discipline and drink- ing. Who say college ain't good for nuthin'?

Everyone, with drink in hand, took a seat around the Boys' table, and prepared to play the game, which almost never took place due to the lack of proper coinage. The game started out friendly, but soon _________________________

[12] "How was I supposed to know the Margarita Mix already had tequila in it?"

19

Tuesday Cancun 1992

evolved into a battle of the sexes! After the first couple of rounds, it was becoming quite evident that the male genders of The Group were unequivocally more skillful.

"Kim, get ready to drink!" taunted Brad. Using a combination Zen philosophy and the tape recorded teachings of Tim Robbins, Brad men- tally prepped ("Quarter IN cup! Quarter IN cup!") and lined up his shot. As he was about to shoot, a loud knock came from the front door.

"Hello?" said a female voice.

Slightly buzzed, Brad looked up to see who had broken his concen- tration. "Hmmmm, she looks awfully familiar," Brad thought.

"Doris! Julie!" screamed Kim, Cindy, Dawn and Monica.

"Hi! I got your note." answered Doris.

After a few minutes, Brad's mouth dropped opened like a PEZ dispenser! Could it be? Could I be so lucky? IT WAS HER! Dream Woman! Dreeeeaam Weaver........

Was this a coincidence? Was this a sign? Brad didn't know. He didn't care. Dream Woman was standing there in front of him! Of course, the other Boys didn't know the significance of the moment. They (except Greg) only knew of her, not what she looked like.

"Everyone, this is Doris!" announced Monica.

"Hello Doris," everyone chorused.

"And this is Julie!" announced Monica.

"Hello Julie."

"Now can we PLEASE get back to the game?" Tim asked.

Doing the gentlemanly thing, Brad politely offered his seat to Doris, which she gladly accepted.

20

Cancun 1992 Tuesday

"Whoa! You ladies need one of my special margaritas!" observed Greg. While the girls accepted the drinks, a grin crept onto everyone's face, except Greg's.

As the game progressed, they decided to make up rules that were abundant and imaginative. There were the old standbys: thumb, air- ball, off the table, no pointing, and no conjugating the verb "to drink", as well as: no sliding the quarter, choose a partner (opposite sex) to drink also, drink only left handed... Although everyone present mastered at least 3 of the requirements for successful quar- ters play, Dream Woman mastered only one, drinking. And everyone let her know it.

Did Brad pity Doris since she couldn't get the quarter in the cup? No. Was he being sympathetic? Maybe. Brad didn't know why, but he confessed to everyone that Doris was not a stranger to him, and continued to relate the Dream Woman story of his first two encounters.

In all honesty, no one really cared if you made the shot or not. The stars were now aligned. Jupitor was in the 7th house. It was the dawning of Aquarius. The Couples, The Boys, and The Girls were finally together. They were enjoying the bantering, the friendship, the moment.

This was what vacation was meant to be.

Just as Julie was about to shoot the quarter, she stopped. Her finely honed Minnesotian senses told her something had changed. "Can you feel the air?", she asked.

In unison, The Girls turned their heads to look out the balcony window. The weather had cleared up a bit. Time for volleyball! After the game, The Boys met The Couples for dinner, planning to hook up with The Girls afterwards. Once dinner was over, The Boys and The Couples went back to their respective rooms to prime themselves for the evening's festivities.

The Boys, a little excited, quickly showered and changed clothes. Greg was in the middle of concocting another batch of his special maragaritas when Doris, Kim, Monica, and Dawn showed up.

"Where's the rest of the ladies?", Greg yelled over the grinding sound of the blender.

"Cindy and Julie are still getting ready. They said they would

21

Tuesday Cancun 1992

try to meet us later on." answered Doris. As fate would have it, they would not see Julie and Cindy that night. The two mysteriously disap- peared (Tim suspected the Cancun Triangle) and wouldn't be seen until the next day.

"Quarters anyone?" inquired Greg as held up his batch of margari- tas.

Buzzes at an adequate volume, The Boys, The Couples, and The Girls (minus Julie & Cindy) headed for the bus that would be their chariot to Fat Tuesday.

As the bus rolled up to Fat Tuesday, what The Boys saw did not make them happy. A line of people stretched from the front door of Fat Tuesday down into the parking lot. Doesn't looook like a gooood deal, Monica thought to herself.

Everyone got off the bus and headed for the line, hoping that the line went fast. Veterans at snaking through lines, the Boys executed the first maneuver of "Operation Divide and Conquer" and split up. Greg and Brad shot to the front of the theatre (the "line" for you laymen) to assess the situation, while Ken and Tim collected the remaining forces at position "Conquer" and waited. Soon, Greg and Brad returned from recon with the low down.

"Bad news, they're charging at the door," informed Greg.

"Good news, they have a band called Euphoria playing tonight," chimed Brad.

"Bad news, it's really packed inside"

"Good news, it's really packed inside"

"Bad news, this line isn't going fast."

"Good news, they're letting people who have those cheesy Fat Tuesday necklaces cut the line and go right in for free!" On that note, The Boys whipped out their official souvenir glow-in-the-dark Fat Tuesday necklaces that they had gotten the night before.

"Bad news, it looks like we only have 4."

"Good job Boys! Let the general take over now. For you see, I

22

Cancun 1992 Tuesday

have a plan!" smiled Jeff. "You, you, and you, follow me!" Jeff com- manded and pointed to Andrea, Jim, and Shannon. Jeff took one of the necklaces for himself, then "armed" the remaining three. The Boys and Girls had not a clue to what Jeff had in mind, but they had faith (at least the Boys did). They watched Jeff courageously lead his comman- dos towards the front door, flash the necklaces at the bouncer, and walk in. After a few minutes, they saw Jeff, alone, nonchalantly walk back out towards them. As he rejoined the Boys & Girls, Jeff reached into his short pockets and pulled out a ball of necklaces. "Who needs a necklace?" he asked with a smile. Jeff had definitely earned his Snakiness Badge that night. Soon, everyone was in.

To properly experience Fat Tuesday, you must indulge yourself with one (if not many) of their special "slurpee" concoctions. So they did. They tried Long Island Ice Tea (bad), Tropical Itch (excel- lent), White Russian (pretty good), 190 Octane (also pretty good), and Purple Passion (also excellent). Drinks in hand, The Boys directed everyone towards the dance pit.

The pit was more crowded than the night before. But that was okay. Spirits were high! People were having a good time. Senor DJ seemed to have regained control of his speakers, since the music was sounding mighty fine. Soon, the band Euphoria took the stage. They went straight into that rockin' tune, Sweet Home Alabama. From there, the band jumped to other songs by AC/DC, Nirvana, KISS, Doors, and Led Zeppelin. Tim was in his nirvana.

During one of the breaks, The Group went to the beach area off to the right behind the stage. They needed to cool off. Monica, very happy at this point, decided to do a body shot. Tim the Innocent Elder, asked, "What's that?" Soooo, Monica showed him. Not once, but twice. Unfortunately for Monica, this would turn out to be a bad deal.

At one point in the evening, Greg noticed Beautiful Eyes and Beautiful Hair. Greg found Ken and directed his eyes to them. Ken's heart went a flutter. Ken walked up behind them, tapped Beautiful Eyes on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but did I tell you that you have beautiful eyes." He then turned to Beautiful Hair and informed her, "And you, have beautiful hair." He further impressed them by remembering their names.

Later in the evening (or early in the morning), the group was feeling the effects of vacation. The mass quantities of Purple Passion that was consumed probably also had a slight effect on them. By this time, The Couples had already gone home. SLEEP and SEX you know.[13] Tim and Monica went out on the dock to, um, look for _________________________

[13] Please reference CLOPTON-PEARSON Vacation Equation previously

23

Tuesday Cancun 1992

fish. Everyone else stayed on the beach. Dream Woman found that burying one's feet in the sand was quite pleasurable, and got everyone but the ever aloof Greg to try it. Ken was a little skeptical, so he kept his Converses on. Doris didn't think Brad's feet were buried deep enough, so she took it upon herself to correct the situation.

Back out on the dock, Monica was not a happy camper. She was as sick as one can possibly be without actually spewing. She could talk the talk, but she couldn't walk the walk (or was that hurl?). Tim tried every possible trick he could think of to get her to chunk up, knowing she would feel better. Nothing. He even showed her his driver's license picture. Chunkage DENIED! During one of the attempts, Monica, probably due to the proximity of the ocean, transformed herself into the mighty great white Jaws and almost severed Tim's protruding, yet good-willed, finger.

Tim, grimacing and shaking his attacked digit like a nurse shakes a thermometer, looked for shredded flesh, did a quick check ("1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Whew! All there.") and smartly terminated this approach. Tim's fingers were not having a good time on this vacation. Instead, he tried to get her back to the beach, so at least he wouldn't have to worry about her taking an unplanned swim. Everytime he suggested they walk a little, Monica would say, "No, no. I'm feel- ing a loooot better. We'll goooo in a minute." Tim believed her the first ten or twelve times, but after an hour, he was beginning to be a bit skeptical.

Greg graciously escorted Dawn back to the Royal Carribbean. Soon, Doris, Brad, and Ken decided that it was also time for them to leave. Kim met some frat boys and decided to stay and wait for Tim and Monica. As they, minus Kim & Greg, boarded the bus to go back to the hotel, the bus driver looked at Brad as if to receive a no-honk guarantee. Brad, tapping into his vast fund of Spanish words, pro- nounced "Ahhhhh....suuuuuu.....ahhhhhh.....suuuuu...... Ella es la muchacha de los dreamos. Ella no hurlar en su autobus." They were allowed onto the bus. The threesome walked directly to the back of the bus and sat down. As they started moving, Brad looked around and noticed Ken looking out the window. It was obvious that Ken was keep- ing a watchful eye out for the hotel so that they would not end up in white slavery or selling Chiclets on the corner. Brad then turned back to Doris who was also looking out the window with great anticipa- tion. Doris then proceeded to stick her head out the window, much like a dog would. Brad thought to himself, "These Minnesooota girls sure know how to party!" Doris then pulled her hair back with one hand, and Brad realized that an urge to purge had entered her. The bus driver looked back at Brad. Brad smiled. The bus driver did not. Doris proceeded to paint the side of the bus with a rainbow of Fat Tuesday's slurpee colors. _________________________ presented.

24

Cancun 1992 Tuesday

After what seemed like a very long time, Ken said, "OK. Here's our stop," Brad tapped Doris on the shoulder, "We've got to get off now." Doris remained with her head out the bus window. "Uh, Doris, we've gotta go." Still no movement. Brad looked out the window to see Ken's shocked face pass by the window as the bus continued on. To Ken's dismay, Doris and Brad were now indeed headed for Belize. Too late, Doris decided it was now OK to get off the bus. Doris and Brad exited at the next stop. The bus driver looked at Brad. Brad smiled (again). The bus driver did not (again). Brad anxiously ran to the back of the bus to take a look at Doris' art work. The Partridge Fam- ily would have been proud. Brad hummed a few bars of Come On Get Happy and then they took a taxi back to the hotel.

Kim finally found Tim and Monica. Seeing Monica's condition, she did what she was trained to do, provide effective, compassionate, pro- fessional nursing care. Eventually, Tim and Kim got Monica back onto the beach. For the next hour, they did the hunchback thing, helping Monica walk around, hopefully burning off some of the effect of the golden nectar consumed earlier.

They decided it was time to find a taxi. The cabbie was a little hesitant to take this particular group, as Monica was still not look- ing too chipper, but after receiving a no-honk guarantee, he reluc- tantly agreed and took them home.

25

Wednesday Cancun 1992

WEDNESDAY

The Boys (except Tim) got up early and went to Chichen Itza (Ees no chicken pizza). The Couples spent the day at Tulum, so Tim, the poor orphan child, was taken in for the day by The Girls. They went to Hard Rock for lunch and spent a wonderful afternoon shopping. Everywhere they went, Tim was the recipient of many envious looks. All the males who saw him wondered what it took to hang out with not just one, but six beautiful women. Was he rich? Was he famous? Did he have a huge penis? Whatever it was, they all wished they were him.

While The Girls were tending to the needs of Tim the orphan child, The Boys minus Tim, herein referred to as "TBMT," were embark- ing on a journey of their own which would hold many trials and tribu- lations, the first being an overprotective mother unit. As you see, the skies were charcoal grey. It was a dreary downtown day. It looked like having a good time on a crummy day was her game.[14] Much lightn- ing and thunder of the gods was to be had in the land of Cancun that day, I can tell you. This mother unit (although, to be honest, another word comes to mind besides "unit") was concerned over the pos- sible union of herself with the electrically charged light spears of the heavens. "What if I get hit by lightning and die, what will my kids do?" the mother unit shrieked. "Who will provide for them? What will happen to them?" she wailed. I do not know what would happen to her coveted children if she were to be slain by the gods, but I do know this, TBMT certainly could get on with their trip one hell of a lot faster.

After handling the trial of the mother unit, TBMT were on their way to the famed archaeological site of Chichen Itza (shit-en p_t'sah), which is Mayan for where Montezuma delivers for 24 hours and then you give it back for the next 48. Along the way, TBMT stopped at a small village for rest and exploration. Brad the Beastly and Greg from Incline discovered some mystical rations, which upon ingestion tasted quite good, but later turned their bowels into a Hershey's syrup factory. Later, Conqueror Ken and Brad the Beastly wandered this small village and discovered a local pastry maker who went by the chosen Hispanic name of Bimbo. They contemplated a purchase but decided to cease their habit of eating any Bimbo with a hole.

On trekked the merry TBMT in their most triumphant bus. Con- queror Ken suddenly had the thirst of a thousand camels in Encino on the Fourth of July, and called out, "Help! I am thirsty! And I can't get up!" The Water god Chuck, was a sympathetic one and granted his wish. The bus spouted springs. Natural water springs, not that _________________________

[14] Quiche Lorraine

26

Cancun 1992 Wednesday

bubbly stuff. From every window, the thirst of the people could be quenched! Now after the quenching, these springs turned into quite a nuisance, for the entire band was now wet. Dry god Picard, a lesser known immortal, was resentful of his lack of popularity and ignored the predicament. Ken resorted to various debugging techniques learned at the College of the Third House (and a season of the TV show MacGyver).

Arrival! TBMT's pilgrimage was over. Time to pray! Time to sing! Time to take a pee (not necessarily in that order). TBMT and their party de-bussed, and began to roam the former site of the gods. Conqueror Ken's thirst spell somehow followed TBMT all the way to Chichen Itza and within a matter of moments, the entire band was, once again, drenched. You couldn't say Chuck wasn't a generous god. Greg from Incline had just about had it with this trial and took matters into his own hands and danced the ancient dance of constipation. God Picard seeing Greg dance in his honor, made it so. Within a Mayan minute[15] the land was iguana bone dry.

TBMT observed the observatory, milled around a pile (excuse me, ruin), and now it was time for the big one, the pyramid. TBMT stood at the foot of the massive structure, secured their foot gear (created by the god Chuck, whose livelihood was the water business, but moon- lighted in the shoe biz) and began their ascent.

Higher and higher they climbed, hearing the loud caws of the once ferocious hawk. Their will was strong but their bodies weak. But still they pushed on, for this tribulation also would be overcome. Finally, the top, oh joy! Standing erect, Greg from Incline asked himself, "I wonder what the beings of long ago asked themselves while standing atop this impressive structure with a square base and four triangular sides that meet at a point?" Did they think, "Will the gods answer my prayers?" Or "If I outstretch my hand, will the gods touch it?" Greg thought it much more likely they thought something like, "You know from this height, I could really hawk a lugie on old man Kukulcan." Perhaps this was spoken from the mouths of babes, "Hey! I can see my house from here!"

The time was ripe for TBMT to descend the ominous creation and make their way (no way. WAY! NO WAY!) back to the magic bus. The magic bus took TBMT to a festival featuring fine food, ale and danc- ers. Funny, the dancers chose not to drink their ale but to place it upon their heads. "These foreigners are so odd!" exclaimed Brad the Beastly. "For why do they not consume[16] their ale? I must capture _________________________

[15] That's a real minute times the Mayan premier magical number 7, plus the secondary, but by no means lesser, mystical number 13. Add that to a "non-god" factor of 10, totaling 30. A Mayan minute, therefore, is approximately a real half hour.

27

Wednesday Cancun 1992

their souls with this photographic device and condemn them to hell!"

The feast was consumed and TBMT made their way back for one last trip on the magic bus. As they eased their back-rests to a reclined position and prepared for slumber, they thought of the many trials and tribulations they had overcome, but little did they know, a bigger challenge lay ahead of them, CHASE THE BITCH!

TBMT returned to the villa to find a game of Quarters already in progress, but with an interesting twist. Tonight there were two quar- ters flying simultaneously. In Chase The Bitch, two people would shoot their quarters into their respective glasses. As soon as a shot was made, the quarter was passed to the next person. If one quarter caught up to the person shooting the other, they had to consume. As TBMT arrived, it was six Girls against Tim. He was making a valiant effort to hold his own, but was rapidly becoming less than sober. TBMT to the rescue! Immediately, the tide turned in favor of the reunited The Boys. Once again, Dream Woman pretty much only mastered the drinking aspect of the game. Eventually, to speed up the game, and to make it fairer, the two "Doris rules" were instituted. First, each person got only ten tries, and if they failed to score, they had to consume and pass the quarter. Second, anytime Doris made a shot, everyone else had to drink. It was at this point that Married Jim became a Quarter's God! You see, he was sitting next to Doris. If Jim could shoot his quarter into his glass and if Doris still had her quarter, she had to suffer the consequences. Oooooh gawd. Mocking poor Doris, Jim would wait for her to miss, then miss on purpose. After she missed her tenth shot, Jim calmly sank his. Psych! Next turn, he made a shot with his eyes closed, and later he made one from three feet away from the table.

After the game, everyone, except Dawn, headed for Fat Tuesday once again, necklace in pocket. The joint was hopping to the rocking band Euphoria once again. Relying on the amnesiac effects of alcohol, the band played the same songs, in the same order: Sweet Home Alabama, Walk This Way, Highway To Hell, D'yer Maker... Tim and Monica wandered out to their favorite seat on the dock. Everyone else sang, drank, and made merry. Basically, the same things as the night before. And The Boys thought unto themselves, "Life is good." And The Girls thought unto themselves, "Life's not such a bad deal."

One by one, they became merried out, and buzzed back to the hive. Safely back in the womb of the Royal Caribbean, some took a reviving dip in the pool. It's amazing how a splash of cold water can bring one back from the burnt state. Then the munchies set in. There was _________________________ [16] Notice how Brad the Beastly showed respect in his last quote and did not utter a conjugation of the forbidden d-word.

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Cancun 1992 Wednesday

only one place to go if you had the munchies. The Girls' room. They found themselves watching Love Connection, and gorging on Pringles, Cheez Whiz, and orgasmic toasted bagels smothered in honey peanut- butter.

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Thursday Cancun 1992

THURSDAY

The six Minnesoooota Registered Administrators of Health, being the adventurous babes that they were, had the forethought to rent a van for a day of, um, of ahhh, saaaay, ADVENTURE! Charmed by their wit, humor, masculinety, and driving skills, The Girls invited them along. The Couples were also asked, but this adventure was to begin in the morning, which would have cut into valuable Sex Time[17], and was, therefore, completely unacceptable. So at the crack of 8:00 A.M., The Boys and The Girls met and prepared for a day of unknown pleasure, or, at least adventure.

Today's destination would be the lovely and enchanted beach of Xcaret (eks' kre-ment). As far as the group knew, the location of this fabled resort was "somewhere to the south of here." As they began to load their properly pumped bodies aboard the rented vehicle of death, the question of who was going to operate this mass of alumi- num, wire and rubber was raised. "Who wants to drive? Who wants to drive?", the group cried in desperation. Slowly, a small grin, a smirk if you will, spread over Greg's face. Finally, a chance to prove himself worthy! "If I pilot this large closed wagon, capable of transporting bulky office furniture or a ton of lutefisk[18], through the jungle and insure the safety of my passengers, will I then be worthy?", Greg inquired within. Without a map, without a license, without any command over the native tongue, Greg cried out "Yes, YES! It's okay for me to drive! I can drive! I will drive! And everyone will like me!", for this was his opportunity to prove worthiness. With the small task of choosing a pilot (codename "DAD", much to his displeasure) out of the way, the rest of the group piled into the van. While DAD checked the driving instruments, co-pilot Kim asked the passengers to please put their tray tables up, move their seats into an upright position, fasten seatbelts, and extinguish all cigarettes. She then dialed the van radio until she found a station and gave DAD the thumbs up. With that, DAD jammed the van into GO and slammed on the gas! They were on there way!

Needless to say, DAD was getting off on driving. Needless to _________________________

[17] See CLOPTON-PEARSON equation previously mentioned. [18] lutefisk (lewd-uh-fisk) n. [from OHG, fishlute, a banjo-like instrument played with the elbows.] 1. a translucent, rubbery food product with a profound odor, created by soaking dried cod in a solution of lye, although equivalent results are claimed for doing the same to gym socks. 2. lutefiskicuffs, an altercation between several Scandinavians over who gets the last slice. 3. [Rare] linear distance from the rock to the hard place. 4. [Slang] a two-door automobile with bald tires and no taillights. 5. [Poker] the biggest pot of the night, taken with a pair of deuces.

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Cancun 1992 Thursday

say, The Girls were having second thoughts on DAD's driving capabili- ties. "Didn't they have the same driving laws in California as they do in Minnesooota?" The Girls wondered. For the first 20 kilometers (Jimmy Carter would be so proud), there was a deathly silence in the van of merriment. "Boy he sure hit that turn fast!", The Girls thought. "What was that thump? An innocent child?", they wondered. But since Greg seemed reasonably capable of keeping the van from careening off into the unpaved portion of the Yucatan penisula, they soon relaxed and lively conversation filled the air.

Dawn: Been havin' pretty good luck with that Ford?

Cindy:You bet.

Tim: Did you catch that German flick Der Tangospieler? Also known as The Tango Player.

Ken: Wasn't that one of the last films produced under the old East German regime?

Monica:Did you have that warmed-up hotdish for breakfast?

Julie:You bet. You only go around once.

Brad: I found it to be a well-crafted ironic picture dealing with injustice in the police state.

Kim: Pretty nice day then, huh?

Doris:It could be worse, but it won't last. You get a day like this, it spells trouble. It's too good.

Kim: I know what you mean.

Cindy:It makes you nervous.

Julie:Uneasy.

Dawn: You got that right.

Greg: Although it brilliantly satirizes the excesses of dialecti- cal materialism, I found it stilted and politically naive.

As noted earlier, the group was traveling sans map and with the notion that their destination was "somewhere south". Riding shotgun was Kim the Navigator (this was a bad deal, as anyone who has ever seen a girl trying to read a map knows), who was of no help (what a surprise!). After Kim directed Dad to the airport, Dad's homing pigeon like instincts cranked a you-ie, and got the group back on tar- get. Since Kim the Navigator failed her first test, she was appropri- ately renamed MOM. Greg put the hammer down on this Mexican "highway" and kept a sharp eye out for smokey-o's.

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Thursday Cancun 1992

Xcaret was in view! To celebrate their arrival, Greg executed a perfect "drive by", well o.k. he missed the damn turn. So one more you-ie later, they were there. Xcaret was filled with many activi- ties. And many rules. No portable radios. What, No MY FIRST SONY?!?!? No coolers. Exsqueeze me? So they packed MY FIRST SONY into the cooler, paid the doorman, and entered the beach.

Snorkeling through an underwater river? Laying out on a beach hard enough to be Jimmy Hoffa's tomb? Playing in the lagoon with Flipper? This place had many strange activities indeed! The group claimed their territory and began to soak up multitudes of cancerous UV rays. With flippers and snorkel in hand, Jacques "Greg" Cousteau headed out to explore the dangerous and treacherous underwater river. Upon returning, Greg explained the wonders of this natural phenomenon. "It was like, wet, and like it had these neat beams of sunlight shin- ing through the water.", Greg articulated. Feeling that he was losing his audience, he decided to beef up the explanation a bit (kinda like this whole story) and added, "It was kinda like the transporter on Star Trek!" The group looked upon this sad, "experience deprived" man's cry for help and thought, "Geek."

The Xcaretans are a proud and honorable people. They have a very deep respect for tradition. This respect was illustrated by two men transporting a large boulder. Now, scornful Modern man would have simply thumbed their noses at their ancestors and used some sort mechanized device with wheels. But not the worthy Xcaretans! They tied the boulder to the middle part of a pole, then carried it with one man a each end of the pole. These were real men!

It was here where they actually saw it! They had heard stories and songs about it, but had never saw one up close and personal. Lying next a few over, was the legendary, massively white Bikini Whale!

The group sunned atop the "beach" (more like a concrete slab with loose, gritty particles of disintegrated rock sprinkled around) and talked about life's little mysteries. The Girls first explained that properly cared for lips are a must. Dream Woman then drove the point home with, "Who wants to kiss lips with big ol' sores and scabs on them?" The somewhat indiscrete comment caused an all-hurl alert to be put into effect. Once chunkage control was re-established, The Boys knew from this day forward, they would never be far from quality lip care products. The Girls, a cornucopia of information, brought up Kissing techniques! "Yes! This is the stuff we've been waiting for!", The Boys thought. Capturing the complete attention of The Boys, The Girls expounded their wealth of knowledge on the subject. Soft kissing MUST be employed and it best not be too wet either. Wow! Two great pieces of information that will stay with The Boys forever, or until their drinking habits lay waste to that portion of their brains. Greg, being one to reduce any conversation to its lowest,

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Cancun 1992 Thursday

animalistic denominator, blurted out, "So, uh, what do you look for physically in the opposite sex?" Dream Woman said, and she said this honestly mind you, "Teeth." Thoughts were racing through The Boys heads, "Yes! I had braces and all that time of looking like a geek in high school has finally paid off!" Unfortunately, The Boys still looked like geeks, but at least they weren't called Metal Mouth anymore! Monica explained how eyes were her fave male body part. "Yes!", cogitated The Boys, "I have eyes!" Then the time came for some of The Boys to respond. Tim, being the sensitive guy that he is (a.k.a liar), told The Girls that hair was his favorite. Shaaw! As if! Greg, smelling the foul aromatic odor of Tim's answer, decided to be honest (a.k.a stupid) and said, "Butts. I like butts." The judges awarded Greg zero points for style and presentation of his answer. Brad replied red hair. Ken simply said, "With heartbeat, and with most of their natural limbs."

After the group completed their goal of covering their bodies with first degree burns, MOM and DAD gathered the kids and packed up the family vanster. MY FIRST SONY, in a geographically correct loca- tion, emitted strangely familiar tunes for the journey home. That's right, RUSH. With the Cancun style air-conditioning (refer to the van ride on THURSDAY/FRIDAY), the group slept off the remnents of their rigorous day and let DAD drive them safely back to the Royal Carib- bean.

Upon arrival at the Royal Caribbean, DAD dropped off MOM and the kids and took his most inquisitive child, Ken, to the gas station. "Getting gas in Mexico ought to be an experience", Greg thought. Ken suggested getting gas at a station built to service sea going vessels, reasoning that gas was gas. Greg politely replied to innocent Ken, "I don't think so". Fed up with inquisitive Ken asking, "But whyyyyy," Greg slapped poor Ken up side the head and continued to make his way for a gas station more fit for their current mode of transportation, like A CAR! Soon, such a gas station, PEMEX, was found. The gassing customs were different, but the results the same. Greg and Ken noticed that full service was alive and well in labor rich Mexico. They also noticed that New Yorkers can be stupid even at a Mexican gas station. One pump over, Ken and Greg noticed four New Yorkers (two sas-kwatches and their chosen mates) in a Jeep singing and dancing with beers in their hands! And to top it off, the policia was one pump over from them! Greg attempted to sum up the situation by say- ing, "No fear. New Yorkers have no freekin' fear.", but Ken reached into the depths of his consciousness, bonded with Confucius, and described the situation perfectly by uttering, "More like, no brain." Ken and Greg began to laugh the laugh of the vindicated, for the poli- cia was sure to bust these bimbos. But the policia did nothing! The Los Angeles Police Department could teach these men plenty.

The Boys and Girls regrouped and met The Couples for dinner at Captain's Cove. At this point, Ken's head decides to do the new-born baby dance and almost takes a nose dive into his dinner. Between head

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Thursday Cancun 1992

bobs, Ken uttered, "MIND STRONG! BODY WEAK!". Despite his lack of hunger, he was running on fumes. Ken's hunger bit was set to off. It seemed he wasn't alone. Doris's eyes were turning Japanese.

After dinner, the group, minus Ken & Doris, decided to go, you guessed it, back to Fat Tuesday. After four nights in a row, Fat Tuesday had lost some of its charm and appeal, so the group left for home at an unusualy early hour.

As Greg walked into the room, he found Ken pacing.

"What's up my man?", Greg asked.

"I'm STARVING my brutha'! ", Ken replied, "I took a bitchin' nap, and watched a very weird movie called "Miller's Crossing!" Now I'm STARVING! All we got is Top Ramen!"

"Well worry no more my friend! I'm going back to The Girls' place. When it comes to food supplies, they did right! Tim's already there."

Driven by his stomach, Ken put it into overdrive and screeched out the door.

At The Girls' room, they once again played backgammon, watched Chuck Woolary, and gorged themselves until the wee hours.

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Cancun 1992 Friday

FRIDAY

It was the best of days. It was the worst of days. To the com- mon layperson, The Boys would seem to be the normal red-blooded studly American males enjoying their vacation by the pool and soaking up the Cancun sun. But alas, it was not so. The Couples were leaving that night. The Girls were leaving the following day. Woeful were The Boys. It was decided at breakfast that they would take The Girls out on the town that evening. The Boys genuinely felt a certain fondness and respect for The Girls. They thought it was the least that they could for them. Not wanting to dwell on the sad situation, The Boys, unusualy quite, finished their breakfast and put on their Happy Faces.

The Boys went through the pre-pool preparation and then met The Girls at the pool. After the initial cordial exchanges, The Boys interrogated them for more excellent tips. This time, the subject was FIRST DATES:

o Never go to the movies! You can`t talk.

o Picnics are really good, so is miniature golf.

o Fancy dress up is also a winner.

o Pringles chips & Cheez Whiz

Later in the day, Jim, The Boys and Kim entered the annual vol- leyball tourney at the Royal Caribbean. Two years ago, The Boys (a.k.a. the Russian Nationals) had handily dispatched all competition, much to the displeasure of the crowd. This year, the defending 1990 Champions did not fare as well. They lost in the first round to a group of youth challenged people. It was pathetic and sad, which did nothing to better The Boys' mood.

Monica and Doris were picked up by another team and gallantly made it all the way to the finals, where they were squished like bugs. Life is sometimes a cruel mistress.

Dejected, The Boys and Girls went back to the pool while The Cou- ples headed to their room to pack. But HEY! "What's up with all this sad shit mood?", thought The Boys. "Attention Women!", they cried, "We would be most honored if you fine ladies would grant us the coveted privilege of taking you out for a night of fine dining and debauchery." How could The Girls refuse? Spirits were high once again. To show her glee, Doris, in the pool, did her rendition of the Wizard Of Oz Munchkin song and dance. Julie exclaimed, "Hey, that's pretty gooood!" "Check this out," Doris answered back, and slipped into her imitation of Bob Dylan's Like A Rolling Stone. Julie and Ken joined in. Unfortunately, they couldn't remember the words, except

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Friday Cancun 1992

for the phrase, "Like a rolling stone", to any of Bob's songs. They didn't feel so bad when Doris asked some guy from Berkeley, CA, if he knew any Dylan lyrics, to which he replied, "No."

The Girls left to get ready for that evening. The Boys went to the lobby to meet The Couples and gave them a prolonged tearful farewell. The Boys remarkably experienced a quick recovery, and went to put on their special evening attire.

While on the bus to Perico's Cantina, Brad tried to make small talk with the local muchachas. Brad even made them laugh. The only problem was that he didn't tell a joke. Fortunately, it was time to get off the bus. Brad politely waved adios, and exited the bus with the others.

Perico's had quite the wild atmosphere that night. Muchas yel- ling and carousing by the waiters, who were showing much attention to Dream Woman (can you blame them?). She found herself wanting less attention and called out, "DAD! DAD save me!" To which Greg replied, "You do not need my help, for you are the Dream Woman!" This was when Dream Woman experienced a moment of self doubt and said, "I don't know if I can handle the title and all the responsibilities of Dream Woman. You know, I didn't ask for this title!" Greg felt her uncertainty and knew something must be done. He reached into his well of Pepperdine knowledge and stated, "And Jesus did not ask for his title either." For truly I say to you, the Dream Woman was silenced with awe.

The Boys and Girls, feeling logy, could no longer partake another morsel of their fine meal. The waiters came to remove their plates. When the waiter got to Cindy's plate, he was aghast! She had left a portion of her fine meal untouched! He corrected the situation by turning her chair around so that she faced him. He then took her nap- kin tied it around her neck. He picked up her fork, scooped up a gen- erous portion off her plate, and played airplane pilot, flying the "plane" into the "hanger." Thoroughly embarrassed, Cindy finished most of her meal. Happy, the waiter took the napkin from around her neck, made a cute bow out of it, and gave it to her. As Cindy fawned over it, he sneaked her camera and took a picture of himself giving her a big ol' smooch.

With dinner out of the way, the next major question was "Where to go next?" Kim suggested the Cat Club. The Boys had never been there before, and it sounded slutty! So off they went! When they arrived, The Boys found out it was a reggae club. Now, The Boys had nothing against reggae. If fact, Ken, Brad, and Greg can often be found hang- ing out on Monday nights at San Diego's Belly Up Tavern, and grooving to the reggae influenced tunes of Cross Culture (formally the Gnarly Braus). But for most reggae music, the listener had to be in a certain laid back mood. This was a night of celebration! A

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Cancun 1992 Friday

celebration to new friends! A celebration that required loud hard driving 4/4 beats and screaming vocals! Sooooo, the Cat Club was scratched. But where to go?????

Greg: Hey Ken, how's your friend, Chuck?

Ken: Chuck? Oooh, you mean Charles?

Greg: Yeah, Charles! I heard he was opening a club.

Ken: Yes, that's right. Him and friend Carlos are opening a club. I think they're gonna call it Charles n' Carlos'!

All of a sudden, someone suggested Carlos n' Charlies! Never underestimate the power of subliminal suggestion! "Perfect!" cried The Boys. Kim dug her hands deeply into her "penis-envy" shorts and reluctantly agreed. They found a bus and jumped on. To get Kim to cheer up, Tim asked what she bought at Gold's gym. She pulled out a HUGE pink and white sweatshirt! Tim took the shirt and became MODEL- MAN! With cat-like moves, he slinked up and down the bus aisle, modeling the shirt.

A smile had returned to Kim's lovely face.

Arriving at Carlos n' Charlies, The Girls and Boys decided it was time for a group picture. What better group pose than the tried and true human pyramid! The Girls suckered some stranger into taking the pictures and handed him an arm load of cameras.

Once inside, everyone slid into the party mood. Mass quantities of alcoholic beverages were imbibed! Mass quantities of photos snapped! No one even minded posing for Julie's camera from hell![19]

Kim no longer regretted going to the Carlos 'n Charlies. The Boys were doing what they did best, acting like total idiots. The Boys and Girls closed the place down, dancing to the crooning of Garth Brooks. But it was only 2:00 A.M.?! Inconceivable! A little disappointed with the time, they hopped onto a bus and went home. Not quietly though. The Boys decided it was time to show the world (at least the passengers on the bus) of how they felt towards The Girls. Tim The Instigating Elder called the rest of the Boys in for a group huddle. Tim instructed, "OkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkay! DORIS! ON THREE! BREAK!" The Boys went back to their respective seats and waited. Tim counted aloud, "1! 2! 3!" The Boys quickly _________________________

[19] It had one of those red-eye reduction systems, where the flash would strobe for a few seconds before the camera actually took the picture. Needless to say, Julie had a few pictures of people with surprised looks!

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Friday Cancun 1992

formed a ring around Doris, and began to bow and chant,

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! I love YOU, Dream Woman"

One by one, The Boys graced each Girl with their tribute. For the other passengers on this bus, it was a story that they will pass along to their children, and so on, and so on, and so on... When The Boys and Girls finally disembarked at the Royal Caribbean, the bus passengers applauded! It was obvious that they were thanking The Boys for the honor of being allowed to witness their tribute to The Girls.

After a very quick, very cold swim, and after being told to shut-up by the help, The Boys and Girls went back to The Girls' room one last time. Once again, they ate, played backgammon, and watched TV, finally crashing at 4 A.M.

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Cancun 1992 Saturday

SATURDAY

At the crack of 7 A.M., The Boys got up to see The Girls off. They went to The Girls' room to help them carry their luggage down to the lobby. As The Boys watched The Girls check out, they thought, "You can't go! All the plants will die!" The Girls had invited The Boys to their graduation in May, but what would they do till then?! As doormen loaded The Girls' luggage into the taxis, the time came to part ways. It was the moment The Boys dreaded. They hugged one another and reluctantly said their farewells. The Boys all swore they would be in Minnesooota for The Girls' graduation. They would be there, oh yes, they would be there. They waved to one another as the cabs slowly drove out of sight. The Boys' vacation had started it's decline. The theme for the rest of the vacation became "I miss The Girls."

The Boys spent most of the day moping at the pool and re-living the past week's events. Not even RUSH could cheer Tim up. In the afternoon, they made a half-hearted attempt at volleyball, but they were too IG to be good at anything requiring mental or physical exer- tion. That evening, TBMT went to town for a little last minute shop- ping. Brad purchased a nice necklace for his friend Pat, who had given TBMT a ride to the airport and would be picking them up upon their return. Unfortunately, once TBMT had received chauffeur ser- vice, Brad decided he no longer enjoyed her company. Consequently, she never received the necklace. Brad still has it if you're interested. The moral is; if you are female, and your boyfriend is going to Cancun, pray to god he doesn't bring you back jewelry of any kind, or you may soon be history.

There is something about shopping that makes a person hungry. TBMT were no different. They decided to try a new place, highly recommended by Paige from the hotel, called Stephano's, an Italian restaurant. It turned out to be one of the best restaurant choices of the trip! Homemade pasta! Very local! Not a word of English on the menu! Cheap! TBMT were very happy.

While they were sort of in the area, Ken wanted to get a tee- shirt from Carlos n' Charlies, as a souvenir. They left Stephano's and headed up a street towards Carlos n' Charlies. Brad pointed out that there was a bus stop the other way. Then they thought, why walk back? And kept on going. There had to be a bus stop ahead. Sure there was. A couple of miles from where they started! Uphill! And through snow! Ken eventually got his shirt. They called it a night and went back home. There was no partying that night.

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Sunday Cancun 1992

SUNDAY

As the sun signaled high noon, The Boys checked out. Waiting for their taxi, they watched the newcomers check in, thinking the fun that was in store for them if they did vacation right. The Boys were pulled back to reality by screeching tires and a pounding bass. The Boys' taxi had arrived. They looked at each other, grinned, and tossed their luggage in the trunk. Greg grabbed shotgun position, and the rest got in the back. They were off to the airport. Max the taxi driver asked, "Hola, do you like music?" The Boys nodded yes. With that, Max selected a tape from his massive collection, which he kept in a pile on the the floor his car, and inserted it into his tape deck. Now, calling what Max had in his taxi a "car-stereo", was like calling King Kong a monkey. What Max had was a Euro-styling, high fidelity, AM/FM quartz IntelliTuner with automatic noise reduction circuit and 18-memory presets, dual azimuth auto-reverse cassette car audio that pumped out 50 watts per channel through a separate amplif- ier sending it out his massive separate woofers, mid-ranges, and tweeters. 2-Live Crew never sounded and felt sooooooo good. The Boys in the back seat felt there eardrums pop. Max yelled, "Do you like sex?", and made a pumping motion with his hips, to drive the point home. Greg answered, "Si!" Out popped 2-Live Crew, in went Madonna. But something was amiss! Madonna's voice came out muted. Max pulled out the cassette, spanked it on his knee a few times and said, "What's wrong Madonna? Too much muchas sex?", then he slipped it back in. Madonna's angelic voice belting out Cherish, pierced through the speakers. "Maaaa-don-na", grinned Max, "Verry sexy!" Greg answered, "Si!". The stunned guys in the back were clueless to what was happen- ing up front. Greg whipped out a cassette tape of his own creation and asked Max if he would mind playing his tape. Max said nope and substituted Madonna with Greg's tape. Foreigner's Urgent spewed out of the speakers. Let the head-banging commence! After Foreigner came Rush's Tom Sawyer. Tim was as happy as a lit-tle gurrrrl! The Boys continued to rock all up to the airport's entrance. King Kong still pumping out the tunes, The Boys unloaded their luggage and thanked Max for the enjoyable ride. As a final gesture, Greg graciously gave Max his tape. The Boys could not have dreamed of finer exit.

The Boys checked in, got their seats, settled down at their gate, and waited to board their plane. Cancun gave The Boys one last hint of what they were leaving. The Boys watched a woman run up to her gate, obviously late. She gave the airline steward her boarding pass, but he would not allow her on with the full beer bottle she was drink- ing. She pounded down a bottle of beer in less than a minute, and handed the steward the empty bottle. The Boys gave her a round of applause. She acknowledged The Boys and boarded the plane.

Within an hour, The Boys were on their plane, buckled in and headed for the evil land called Los Angeles. As the plane began it's climb into the Cancun blue sky, each one of The Boys asked themselves, "Was this place heaven?" No, it was Cancun.

THE END