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[ This contains both VanC0 Grommet files. It is rumoured that Ron S VanZuylen has the largest collection of grommets outside the Soviet Union. The second file was written by DBCooper, whose main claim to fame is some silly hijacking or other. HBB ]

A:\TEXT\GROMMET.TXT (54 lines) edited by R.VAN with ST MicroEMACS

"HELP! THE GROMMET(*)'S MISSING!" from a book which does not exist because it is a figment of my imagination. I think this text is considered public domain, so you can distribute it at your own discretion (if it hasn't been altered in any horrible/frightening way).

(*)GROMMET (grom'it), n. a metal eyelet, as in leather.

My father was sipping a tasty Rheinhessen on the back porch when a clattering disturbed his oenophilic reveries. He looked up and, eyes agog, stared blankly as the rest of the family lugged a huge box marked 'Gas Grill' into view and dumped it huffing at his feet. (They were huffing, not the gas grill; the gas grill huffed later on.) "Happy Father's Day!" we (the family) crowed. His ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as he set about assembling his newest toy. Why? Here is a quote from the assembly manual and you'll see why: "Affix hoop (18) to side standards (33) with provided long bolts after first securing hub (4) through axle carrier (12) and side ribs (7). Repeat procedure other side. View illustration." Dad thought about throwing the instructions away right then and should have, but my mother (referred to in the instruction manual as 'helper') was the logical sort who believes her husband ought to 'do it right this time.' So, he resigned himself to assistance from both manual and spouse and sturdily continued assembling my his wonderful Father's Day gift. He was distracted in this effort by the cat and the two-year-old who both came curiously close to being killed when they reached the climactic chapter in the instructions--you know, the one that tells how to 'insert Venturi tube into line assembly (25), adjusting inlet valves to 1/8-inch windows while drawing spark line (41) through eyelet.' Dad was also distracted by the not-so-fond recollection of countless witty Sunday magazine insert articles about self-assembly of Christmas bikes, gas grills and household widgets. You know the kind: some depraved writer who had to send the bike back to the manufacturer for repairs due to his botching the job writes a funny piece in order to recoup his freight expenses. This, by the way, isn't one of those articles. The gas grill works fine. But my father's episode does bring to mind a couple of my pet theories about kit-making. The first is about the so-called 'ease of assembly'. What American manufacturers do, I think, is have a group of employees write the instruction manual. The product of their effort is then translated into Japanese or Spanish (depending on where the kit is packed). Then, either a Japanese or Mexican re-translates the manual into English again, prints it and stuffs it in with all of the parts. That's my only explanation for the ponderous and, yes, tortuous nature of instruction manuals. My second theory is this: You can't fault the quality of workmanship if you're the one who did it. So, if the drive chain on your kit-assembled ten speed bike falls off, or if your gas grill blows up in your face, or if your made-at-night-at-home color TV set only works on Channel 1, you only have yourself to blame. For sure you can't blame the family. Even if they never let you forget about the ten speed color gas grill sitting useless on the back porch.

E.O.F. (End.Of.File)

* The Grommet Repair Manual: written 28-dec-85 edited 04-jan-86

Dedicated to Brendon: We Think You're SWELL! ==============================================================================

PATH:tutorial/repair/grommet/tgrm ==============================================================================

A VanCoTEXT-CO PRODUCTION

Welcome to the Grommet Repair Manual. This is the unofficial sequel to the largely ignored "I had fun with a grommet" file written by R.Vansome schmuck. This file is meant to fill in some of the gaps that were left in the story line of the previous story.

----------------------------- PREFACE: Why Should I Care? -----------------------------

The Grommet. The Grommet. Why do we care about a small, round peice of metal? The grommet is actually considered by some historians to be much more important in altering the course of history than television, the wheel, deodorant, the printing press, and possibly even granola. The reality of grommets is only beginning to surface as the following people stated in their articles:

------- Wade B. Hoyt: Grommets in a Historical Perspective -------

...The Grommet is an amazing device that has been used during wartime and peacetime, work and leisure, and to provide enjoyment and satisfaction to millions...

------- Abraham Johnson: Machines at War -------

...The social and political unrest due to the invention of the grommet are incredible, paralleled only by the atomic bomb, Jane Fonda, and the Muppets... While many have rallied to control the dangers of nuclear weapons, few if any have realized the dangers of the grommet. If society as we know it today is to survive, we need to act quickly and efficiently to neutralize the dangers of the lowly grommet.

------- Anne DeKruyfer: Fashion Magazine -------

...In this upcoming year, the hottest new item is the Grommet. Fashionable items will definitely be belts, jackets and shoes with grommets for both men and women; grommeted socks and briefs for the men; and leather lingerie with grommets and steel buckles for the ladies... The grommet will definitely be a hot item this year...

------- John Harrison: Leather and Lace magazine -------

...The Grommet is the hottest item to hit the Sado-Masochistic fashion scene since chains, leather, or even tabasco sauce... Imagine you and your lover bound together by grommeted leather straps ($13), unable to avoid her lashings by a grommeted leather lash ($22). As you slowly caress her leather teddy ($37) you tighten the grommeted straps on her teddy to an almost unbearable tension and slip the strap into the silver plated buckle as she screams in ecstasy....

------- Aaron W. Yellowitz: How To Make a Fortune with Tunafish -------

...You must be careful when loading up your backpack with tunafish to sell door to door. If you load up your backpack too heavily, you may hurt yourself lifting it, or possibly pull out a grommet on the bag itself. I usually suggest that you only carry seven 8-ounce cans of tuna at a time...

-------------------------- ONE: uses of the grommet --------------------------

The grommet is one of the most overused pieces of hardware in existence. The grommet is used in thousands of everyday items, many of which are so commonplace that we seldom recognize them as one. some examples follow:

outdoor equipment: backpacks, tarpulins, clothing, tents sporting goods: sails, climbing harnesses, trampolines, pool covers computers: cable harnesses, diskette reinforcement, straightjackets household items: window shades, nail clippers, nuclear warheads

There are hundreds more uses, and you can probably spot more in seconds by searching through your own house.

Grommets have also influenced many other things. Some say that Madonna's belly-button has the appearance of a grommet, although some say what really looks like a grommet is about six inches lower. Grommet-like items have been found in many styles of ancient architecture. As Don James once said "If I was a piece of simple hardware, I'd most definitely be a grommet"

--------------------------- TWO: installing a grommet ---------------------------

The first, and most essential piece of equipment for grommet installation is the grommet tool. The easiest way to purchase one is usually in a kit, with an assortment of grommets included. The tool consists of three parts; the setting tap, the anvil, and the punch. The punch is used with the anvil to create the proper sized hole for the grommet. The material is placed on the anvil, and the punch is placed over the hole in the anvil. A sharp blow to the punch with the hammer will drive a hole into the material that should be the proper size. The setting tap is used to force the grommet through the hole and into it's proper shape.

The grommet is a specially shaped piece of metal that when shaped properly can reinforce a hole so a rope, cable, or buckle can pass through without ripping the surrounding material. Grommets come in five basic sizes, ranging from 0 to 4 (4 being the largest). These may be purchased in hardware stores without any licenses or restrictions.

Once the hole for the grommet has been cut, many grommet installation experts recommend that the hole be heat-sealed to prevent fraying. This can be done with a match, but it is preferable to use a soldering iron or a woodburning tool. Remember, this is not necessary, but it is recommended for a lasting, professional grommet installation.

The Grommet should now be installed using the setting tap. The author recommends that you consult the instructions for your particular model, as there are always some minor differences in operating procedure. The first step is to find the proper size grommet, and then remove the male portion. This portion is bigger, and somewhat longer than the female portion. The male half should be slipped through the hole, and then should be laid face down on the anvil. The grommet should be seated properly on the small ridges of the anvil in order to insure a proper bind. Next, slip the female half over the male portion. Note that the halves should face together tightly. Finally, the setting tap should be placed on the grommet and struck with a hammer. This will force the grommet halves together and bind them permanently.

-------------------------------------- CONCLUSION: what does all this mean? --------------------------------------

I hope this article has alerted you to the hopes, struggles, despair, and lives of people who deal with grommets on a daily basis. I also hope that you have used this file to your advantage, as there are many grommet oriented career options available today.

------- Written by D.B. Cooper and the VanCo staff on 28-dec-85 Edited by R.Van and D.B. Cooper 09-jan-86

-- Have a Nice Day...

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Successful Write.

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