Text File

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P R I N C I P I A D I S C O R D I A

or

HOW I FOUND GODDESS AND WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER

THE MAGNUM OPIATE OF MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER

Wherein Is Explained Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything

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INTRODUCTION

You hold in your hands one of the Great Books of our century fnord. Some Great Books are recognized at once with a fusilade of critical huzzahs and gonfolons, like Joyce's _Ulysses._ Others appear almost furtively and are only discovered 50 years later, like _Moby Dick_ or Mendel's great essay on genetics. The _Principia Discordia_ entered our space-time continuum almost as unobtrusively as a cat- burglar creeping over a windowsill. In 1968, virtually nobody had heard of this wonderful book. In 1970, hundreds of people from coast to coast were talking about it and asking the identity of its mysterious author, Malaclypse the Younger. Rumors swept across the continent, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Joe. Malaclypse was actually Alan Watts, one heard. No, said another legend -- the _Principia_ was actually the work of the Sufi Order. A third, very intriguing myth held that Malaclypse was a pen-name for Richard M. Nixon, who had allegedly composed the _Principia_ during a few moments of lucidity. I enjoyed each of these yarns and did my part to help spread them. I was also careful never to contradict the occasional rumors that I had actually written the whole thing myself during an acid trip. The legendry, the mystery, the cult grew slowly. By the mid- 1970's, thousands of people, some as far off as Hong Kong and Australia, were talking about the _Principia,_ and since the original was out of print by then, xerox copies were beginning to circulate here and there. When the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy appeared in 1975, my co-author, Bob Shea, and I both received hundreds of letters from people intrigued by the quotes from the _Principia_ with which we had decorated the heads of several chapters. Many, who had already heard of the _Principia_ or seen copies, asked if Shea and I had written it, or if we had copies available. Others wrote to ask if it were real, or just something we had invented the way H.P. Lovecraft invented the _Necronomicon._ We answered according to our moods, sometimes telling the truth, sometimes spreading the most Godawful lies and myths we could devise fnord.

Why not? We felt that this book was a true Classic (_literatus immortalis_) and, since the alleged intelligentsia had not yet discovered it, the best way to keep its legend alive was to encourage the mythology and the controversy about it. Increasingly, people wrote to ask me if Timothy Leary had written it, and I almost always told them he had, except on Fridays when I am more whimsical, in which case I told them it had been transmitted by a canine intelligence -- vast, cool, and unsympathetic -- from the Dog star, Sirius. Now, at last, the truth can be told. Actually, the _Principia_ is the work of a time-travelling anthropologist from the 23rd century. He is currently passing among us as a computer specialist, bon vivant and philosopher named Gregory Hill. He has also translated several volumes of Etruscan erotic poetry, under another pen-name, and in the 18th century was the mysterious Man in Black who gave Jefferson the design for the Great Seal of the United States. I have it on good authority that he is one of the most accomplished time-travellers in the galaxy and has visited Earth many times in the past, using such cover-identities as Zeno of Elias, Emperor Norton, Count Galiostro, Guilliame of Aquaitaine, etc. Whenever I question him about this, he grows very evasive and attempts to persuade me that he is actually just another 20th century Earthman and that all my ideas about his extraterrestrial and extratemporal origin are delusions. Hah! I am not that easily deceived. After all, a time-travelling anthropologist would say just that, so that he could observe us without his presence causing culture-shock. I understand that he has consented to write an Afterward to this edition. He'll probably contradict everything I've told you, but don't believe a word he says fnord. He is a master of the deadpan put-on, the plausible satire, the philosophical leg-pull and all branches of guerilla ontology. For full benefit to the Head, this book should be read in conjunction with _The Illuminoids_ by Neal Wilgus (Sun Press, Albuquerque, New Mexico) and _Zen Without Zen Masters_ by Camden Benares (And/Or Press, Berkeley, California). "We are operating on many levels here," as Ken Kesey used to say. In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things will go on as they always have, getting weirder all the time. Hail Eris. All hail Discordia. Fnord?

-- Robert Anton Wilson International Arms and Hashish, Inc. Darra Bazar, Kohat

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The Magnum Opiate of Malaclypse the Younger

NOT JUNK MAIL

PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA or HOW I FOUND GODDESS AND WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER

Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything _ | _ \|/ A jug of wine, _/|\_ A leg of lamb | And thou! Beside me, Whistling in the darkness. Be Ye Not Lost Among Precepts of Order... The Book of Uterus 1:5

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Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by _The Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Herald-News-Tribune-Journal-Dispatch- Post and San Francisco Discordian Society Cabal Bulletin and Intergalactic Report and Pope Poop_

GREATER POOP: Are you really serious or what? MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant.

GP: Maybe you are just crazy. M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teachings as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.

GP: Is Eris true? M2: Everything is true. GP: Even false things? M2: Even false things are true. GP: How can that be? M2: I don't know, man, I didn't do it.

GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE? M2: There is a Zen story about a student who asked a Master to explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master's reply was, "three pounds of flax." GP: Is that your answer to my question? M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

SuSpEnDeD AnNiHiLaTiOn

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FOURTH EDITION ODD# II/2,xii,68Chs3136

PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA or HOW I FOUND GODDESS & WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER

Being a Beginning Introduction to The Erisian Mysterees

WHICH IS MOST INTERESTING

--

As Divinely Revealed to My High Reverence, MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, K.S.C. Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold and HIGH PRIEST of THE PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC (POEE)

HAIL ERIS! -- Kallisti -- ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!

Dedicated to The Prettiest One

[Illustration: a loosely pointing hand]

The uproar of one hand clapping.

-1-

-JOSHUA NORTON CABAL- Surrealists, Harlequinists, Absurdists, and Zonked Arists Melee

POEE is one manifestation of THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY about which you will learn more and understand less

We are a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intruiged with ERIS GODDESS OF CONFUSION and with Her Doings

Official DISCORDIAN SOCIETY (Hail Eris)

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3 The Sacred Chao (illustration) 37 Parable of the Bitter Tea 4 Five Commandments (The Pentabarf) 38 Sermon on Ethics and Love 5 Zen Story 39 Apostles of Eris 6 Telegram to Jehova 41 How Honest Book of Truth 7 Birth of The Erisian Movement Was Revealed 11 Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy 42 Curse of Greyface 12 On Prayer 43 Mandala 13 Heaven is down... 44 Cosmology (Book of Uterus) 14 Norton's Money 46 Orders of Discordia 15 Eris -- Greek Mythology 47 Entropy (Norbert Weiner) 16 Law of Fives 48 Zarathud's Enlightenment 17 Myth of the Apple of Discord 49 The Sacred Chao (text) 19 Erisian Hymn 52 Hodge/Podge Transformer 20 POEE Chart 53 Brunswick Shrine 21 POEE Symbol 54 Starbuck's Pebbles 22 POEE 55 Eris during 3125 years 23 Application Form 56 Cosmogeny (Void's Daughters) 24 POEE Priests 59 Syadastian Chant 26 Erisian Affirmation 60 Classification of Saints 27 Legionnaire Certificate 61 Occultism 27 Saint Gulik 62 Astrology 28 How to Start a POEE Cabal Without 63 Greface and Negativism Messing Around With the Polyfather 64 The Turkey Curse 29 Baptismal Rite 65 Arguments for Evangelists 31 Mysteree Oath 66 Sink (game) 32 The Discordian Society 67 Chain Letter (Join Effort) 33 The Golden Apple Corps 68 Avatar Classification 33 Numeral V Sign 69 Epistle to the Paranoids 34 Calendar 71 Super Secret Crypto Cypher 35 Holy Names 72 Illuminati (letter) 36 POPE Cards 74 Salvation

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I tell you: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star! -- Nietzsche

T H E S A C R E D

[Illustration: a traditional Chinese yin-yang symbol with a pentagon in one cusp and The Golden Apple in the other, an apple with "Kallisti" in Greek]

C H A O

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THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS (THE PENTABARF)

The PENTABARF was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the fifth year of the caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks and 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside-down.

KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!

I -- There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.

II -- A Discordian shall always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

III -- A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to go off alone and partake joyously of a hot dog on a Friday; this devotive ceremony to remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no hot dog buns).

IV -- A Discordian shall partake of no hot dog buns, for such was the solace of our goddess when she was confronted with The Original Snub.

V -- A Discordian is prohibited of believing what he reads.

IT IS SO WRITTEN. SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.

[Illustration: a burning scroll]

Test Question from Topanga Cabal (The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School): If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them?

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A ZEN STORY

by Camden Benares, The Count Five Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid-20th century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises the tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate." He did as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man sitting there was. The second replied, "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead." Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

FOR DEPOSIT ONLY

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W E S T E R N U N I O N T E L E G R A M

TO: JEHOVAH YAHWEH [Illustration: a man covered with hair wearing sandals pointing to CARE: CELESTIAL HOTEL (SUITE #666) two gravestones reading "O Man Of Faith," with the legend, "Apostle PRESIDENTIAL TIER, PARADISE Zarathud. A balloon reads, "You're right, son!...It would be a _waste_ of your kind of talent to go into DEAR GOD; the security business!"]

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR CURRENT POSITION AS DEITY IS

HEREWITH TERMINATED DUE TO GROSS INCOMPETENCE STOP YOUR CHECK

WILL BE MAILED STOP PLEASE DO NOT USE ME FOR A REFERENCE

RESPECTFULLY,

MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER/OMNIBENEVOLENT POLYFATHER OF VIRGINITY IN GOLD

POEE HIGH PRIEST

-7-

THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT: 10. The Earth quakes and the THE REVELATION Heavens rattle; the beasts of nature flock together and the beasts of men flock apart; volcanoes usher up heat while elsewhere water becomes ice and melts; and then on other days it just rains. 11. Indeed to many things come to pass.

Just prior to the decade of the nineteen-sixties, when Sputnik was alone and new, and about the time that Ken Kesey took his first acid trip as a medical volunteer; before underground newspapers, Viet Nam, and talk of a second American Revolution; in the comparative quiet of the late nineteen-fifties, just before the idea of RENAISSANCE became relevant . . .

Two young Californians, known later as Omar Ravenhurst and Malaclypse the Younger, were indulging in their habit of sipping coffee at an all-night bowling alley and generally solving the world's problems. This particular evening the main subject of discussion was discord and they were complaining to each other of the personal confusion they felt in their respective lives. "Solve the problem of discord," said one, "and all other problems will vanish." "Indeed," said the other, "chaos and strife are the roots of all confusion."

...First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust...

SUDDENLY THE PLACE BECAME DEVOID OF LIGHT. THEN AN UTTER SILENCE ENVELOPED THEM, AND A GREAT STILLNESS WAS FELT. THEN CAME A BLINDING FLASH OF INTENSE LIGHT, AS THOUGH THEIR VERY PSYCHES HAD GONE NOVA. THEN VISION RETURNED.

The two were dazed and neither moved nor spoke for several minutes. They looked around and saw that the bowlers were frozen like statues in a variety of comic positions, and that a bowling ball was steadfastly anchored to the floor only inches from the pins that it had been sent to scatter. The two looked at each other, totally unable to account for the phenomenon. The condition was one of suspension, and one noticed that the clock had stopped.

...NEW STORY OF CHAOS...

no girdle ever cured a pregnancy

THERE WALKED INTO THE ROOM A CHIMPANZEE, SHAGGY AND GREY ABOUT THE MUZZLE, YET UPRIGHT TO HIS FULL FIVE FEET, AND POISED WITH NATURAL MAJESTY. HE CARRIED A SCROLL AND WALKED TO THE YOUNG MEN.

"GENTLEMEN," HE SAID, "WHY DOES PICKERING'S MOON GO ABOUT IN REVERSE ORBIT? GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE NIPPLES ON YOUR CHESTS; DO YOU GIVE MILK? AND WHAT, PRAY TELL, GENTLEMEN, IS TO BE DONE ABOUT HEISENBERG'S LAW?" HE PAUSED. "_SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS CONFUSION HERE!_"

AND WITH THAT HE REVEALED HIS SCROLL. IT WAS A DIAGRAM, LIKE A YIN-YANG WITH A PENTAGON ON ONE SIDE AND AN APPLE ON THE OTHER. AND THEN HE EXPLODED AND THE TWO LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT: ERIS -- GODDESS OF CHAOS, DISCORD, & CONFUSION

They awoke to find the sound of pins clattering, and found the bowlers engaged in their game and the waitress busy with making coffee. It was apparent that their experience had been private.

They discussed their strange encounter and reconstructed from memory the chimpanzee's diagram. Over the next five days they searched libraries to find the significance of it, but were disappointed to uncover only references to Taoism, the Korean flag, and Technocracy. It was not until they traced the Greek writing on the apple that they discovered the ancient Goddess known to the Greeks as ERIS and to the Romans as DISCORDIA. This was on the fifth night, and when they slept that night each had a vivid dream of a splendid woman whose eyes were as soft as feather and as deep as eternity itself, and whose body was the spectacular dance of atoms and universes. Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke in a warm and gentle voice:

I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding. You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun. I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free.

During the next months they studied philosophies and theologies, and learned that ERIS or DISCORDIA was primarily feared by the ancients as being disruptive. Indeed, the very concept of chaos was still considered equivalent to strife and treated as a negative. "No wonder things are all screwed up," they concluded, "they have got it all backwards." They found that the principle of disorder was every much as significant as the principle of order.

With this in mind, they studied the strange yin-yang. During a meditation one afternoon, a voice came to them:

IT IS CALLED _THE SACRED CHAO._ I APPOINT YOU KEEPERS OF IT. THEREIN YOU WILL FIND ANYTHING YOU LIKE. SPEAK OF ME AS _DISCORD,_ TO SHOW CONTRAST TO THE PENTAGON. TELL CONSTRICTED MANKIND THAT THERE ARE NO RULES, UNLESS THEY CHOOSE TO INVENT RULES. KEEP CLOSE TO THE WORDS OF SYADASTI: "'TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO MINDS." AND REMEMBER THAT THERE IS NO TYRANNY IN THE STATE OF CONFUSION. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, CONSULT YOUR PINEAL GLAND.

"There are trivial truths & there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. "I hear music!" The opposite of a great truth is also true." -- Neils Bohr

"What is this?" mumbled one to the other, "a religion based on the Goddess of Confusion? It is utter madness!"

And with those words, each looked at the other in absolute awe. Omar began to giggle. Mal began to laugh. Omar began jumping up and down. Mal was hooting and hollering to beat all hell. And amid squeals of mirth and with tears on their cheeks, each appointed the other to be high priest of his own madness, and together they declared themselves to be a Society of Discordia, for whatever that may turn out to be.

"Did you know that there is a million [Illustration: an ostrich bucks hidden in the house next with its head buried in the door?" ground. A balloon from the "But there is no house next door." hole reads, "WOW!"] "No? Then let's go build one!" -- Marx All things are perfect To every last flaw And bound in accord With Eris' law. -- HBT; The Book of Advice 1:7

FNORDS -> FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FN-O-RD, FNORD, FNORD...

Momomoto, famous Japanese, can swallow his nose

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St. Trinian's SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE Sewing Circle

BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY by Lord Omar

VERSE Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao; It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now Gathered in discussion of the dropping of the Bomb; Her Apple Corps is strong! If a quixotic Socrates CHORUS studied Zen under Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Zorba...? Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Her Apple Corps is strong!

VERSE She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak;* So She threw a Golden Apple, 'sted of turn'd t'other cheek! O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak Her Apple Corps is strong!

---------- * "Limbo Peak" refers to Old Limbo Peak, commonly called by the Greeks "Ol' Limb' Peak."

"The tide is turning...the enemy is suffering terrible losses..." -- Gen. Geo. A. Custer

-12-

Persons in a Position to Know, Inc.

ON PRAYER

Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to Eris. He replied with these words:

No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the entire village wiped out by a torrential flood.

[Illustration: a pencil-drawn figured jumping up and down]

"Of course, I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean [Illustration: a clip I'm wrong. I'm _mad_ but not _ill._" from a Japanese (_Werewolf Bridge,_ Robert Anton Wilson) periodical]

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14. Wipe thine ass with What is Written and grin like a ninny at What is Spoken. Take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything, as you hurry along the Path. -- The Purple Sage HBT; The Book of Predications, Chap. 19

Heaven is down. Hell is up. This is proven by the fact that the planets and stars are orderly in their It is my firm movements, belief that it is a mistake while down on earth to hold firm beliefs we come close to the primal chaos. There are four other proofs, but I forget them.

-- Josh the Dill King Kong Kabal Ignotum per ignotius* *The meaning of this is unknown

[Illustration: a bird in a nest scratching its head and looking up at the rest of the page]

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No. 2316 United States.

[Illustration: a figure with the balloon, "Look, comrade, you do your own thing and I'll do mine!"]

THE IMPERIAL GOVERNMENT of NORTON I.

Promises to pay the holder hereof the sum of FIFTY CENTS in the year 1880, with interest at 7 per cent. per annum from date; the principal and interest to be convertible, at the option of the holder, at maturity, into 20 yuears 7 per cent. Bonds are payable in Gold Coin.

Given under our Royal hand and seal this 29TH day of AUGUST 1874 NORTON I, EMPEROR

Security Last Intergalactic Bank of Malaclypse Endorsed and Guaranteed

CUDDY & HUGHES, Printers to His Majesty Norton I, 511 Sansome Street, S.F.

IN GODDESS WE TRUST

-15-

The Classical Greeks were not influenced by the Classical Greeks

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT ERIS (not much)

The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity -- She was shown as a grotesque woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her garment ripped and torn, and as concealing a dagger in Her Bosom. Actually, most women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly dagger in their bosoms.

Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either She was the twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was the daughter of Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or wife of Chaos, or both), and Nyx's brother, Erebus, and whose brothers and sisters included Death, Doom, Mockery, Misery, and Friendship. And that She begat Forgetfulness, Quarrels, Lies, and a bunch of gods and goddesses like that.

One day Mal-2 consulted his pineal gland* and asked Eris if She really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. "They were," She added, "victims of indigestion, you know."

Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She is mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times.

---------- * THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you have trouble activating your pineal, then try the appendix which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland."

DIRUIT AEDIFICAT MUTAT GUADRATA ROTUNDUS -- Horace

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THE INSIDE STORY!|

THE LAW OF FIVES

The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to come from The Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus.

POEE subscribes to the Law of Fives of Omar's sect. And POEE also recognizes the Holy 23 (2 + 3 = 5) that is incorporated by Episkopos Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, K.N.S., into his Discordian sect, the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria.

The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO FIVE.

The Law of Fives is never wrong.

In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look."

Please do not use this document as toilet tissue

The Nagas of Upper Burma say the sun shines by day because, being a woman, it is afraid to venture out at night.

-17-

"You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too." [Illustration: the -- John Kenneth Galbraith Golden Apple]

THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD

It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble-maker.*

This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned a apple of pure gold** and inscribed upon it KALLISTI, "to the prettiest one," and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything.

Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.

Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.

As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (_the_ Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be the First War Among Men.

And so we suffer because of The Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.

Do you believe that?

---------- * This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB.

** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of metallic gold or Acapulco.

*** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know of the Law of Fives.

+-----------+ | Remember: | | KING KONG | | Died For | | Your Sins | +-----------+ Ho Chi Zen is 5. An Age of Confusion, or an Ancient Age, is King Cong one in which History As We Know It begins to unfold, in which Whatever Is Coming emerges in Corporal Form, more or less, and such times are Ages of Balanced Unbalance, or Unbalanced Balance. 6. An Age of Bureaucracy is an Imperial Age in which Things Mature, in which COnfusion becomes entrenched and during which Balanced Balance, or Stagnation, is attained. 7. An Age of Disorder or an Aftermath is an Apocalyptic Period of Transition back to Chaos through the Screen of Oblivion into which the Age passeth, finally. These are Ages of Unbalanced Unbalance. HBT; The Book of Uterus, Chap. 3

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DO YOU REMEMBER? 1. Polite children will always remember that a church is the __________ of __________.

AN ERISIAN HYMN by Rev. Dr. Mungojerry Grindlebone, K.O.B. Episkopos, The Rayville Apple Panthers

Onward Christian Soldiers, Onward Buddhist Priests. Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese Onward, fruits of Islam, who can swallow his nose, has Fight 'till you're deceased. been exposed! It was recently Fight your little battles, revealed that it was Momomoto's Join in thickets fray; brother who has been doing all For the Greater Glory, of this nose swallowing. of Dis-cor-di-a. Yeah, yeah, yeah, [Illustration: a flag] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heute die Welt Blffffffffffft! Morgens Das Sonnensystem

Abbey of the Barbarous Relic

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OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION ODD# III[b]/4,i;18Aft3135

POEE DISORGANIZATION MATRIX DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY [Illustration: the V) THE HOUSE OF APOSTLES OF ERIS Golden Apple] For the Eristocracy and the Cabalablia BUREAU OF SHIPS

A. The Five Apostles of Eris B. The Golden Apple Corps (K.S.C.) C. Episkoposes of the Discordian Society D. POEE Cabal Priests E. Saints, Erisian Avatars, and Like Personages

IV) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING PODGE For the Disciples of Discordia

A. Office of My High Reverence, the Polyfather B. Council of POEE Priests C. The Legion of Dynamic Discord D. Eristic Avatars E. Aneristic Avatars

NOTE: A, B, and C are POEE PROPER; while D and E are POEE IMPROPER

III) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING HODGE For the Bureaucracy

A. The Bureau of Erisian Archives B. The Bureau of the POEE Epistolary, and The Division of Dogmas C. The Bureau for Symbols, Emblems, Certificates, and Such D. The Bureau of Eristic Affairs, and The Administry for the Unenlightened Eristic Horde E. The Bureau of Aneristic Affairs, and The Administry for the Orders of Discordia

II) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING COLLAPSE For the Encouragement of Liberation of Freedom, and/or the Discouragement of the Immanentizing of the Eschaton

A. The Breeze of Wisdom and/or The Wind of Insanity B. The Breeze of Integrity and/or The Wind of Arrogance C. The Breeze of Beauty and/or The Wind of Outrages D. The Breeze of Love and/or The Wind of Bombast E. The Breeze of Laughter and/or The Wind of Bullshit

I) THE OUT HOUSE For what is left over

A. Miscellaneous Avatars B. The Fifth Column C. POEE =POPES= everywhere D. Drawer "O" for OUT OF FILE E. Lost Documents and Forgotten Truths

_ | _ OFFICIAL -- POEE \|/ Head Temple, San Francisco _/|\_ HOUSE OF THE RISING PODGE | Bureau of The POEE Epistolary [Illustration: various stamped items, such as "REGISTERED" and "AN ICE CREAM PRODUCT"]

Office of my High Reverence Malaclypse the Younger, K.S.C. OPOVIG -- High Priest POEE

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EXCLUSIVE:

THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS

_ | _ \|/ _/|\_ |

The official symbol of POEE is here illustrated. It may be this, or any similar device to represent TWO OPPOSING ARROWS CONVERGING INTO A COMMON POINT. It may be vertical, horizontal, or else such, and it may be elaborated or simplified as desired.

The esoteric name for this symbol is THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS, commonly shortened to THE HAND.

_ NOTE: In the lore of western magic, the / \_ is taken to symbolize horns, especially the horns of Satan or of diabolical beasties. The Five Fingered Hand of Eris, however, is not intended to be taken as satanic, for the "horns" are supported by another set of inverted "horns." Or maybe it is walrus tusks. I don't know what it is, to tell the truth.

"Surrealism aims at the total transofmration of the mind and all that resembles it." -- Breton

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POEE

POEE (pronounced "POEE") is an acronym for THE PARATHEO- ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC. The first part can be taken to mean "equivalent deity, reversing beyond-mystique." We are not really esoteric, it's just that nobody pays much attention to us.

MY HIGH REVERENCE MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, A.B., D.D., K.S.C., is the High Priest of POEE, and POEE is grounded in his episkopotic revelations of the Goddess. He is called the Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold.

The POEE HEAD TEMPLE is the Joshua Norton Cabal of the Discordian Society, which is located in Mal-2's pineal gland and can be found by temporally and spacially locating the rest of Mal-2.

POEE has no treasury, no by-laws, no articles, no guides save Mal- 2's pineal gland, and has only one scruple -- which Mal-2 keeps on his key chain.

POEE has not registered, incorporated, or otherwise chartered with the State, and so the State does not recognize POEE or POEE ordinations, which is only fair, because POEE does not recognize the State.

POEE is five DEGREES: There is the neophyte, or LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLE. The LEGIONNAIRE DEACON, who is catching on. The Ordained POEE PRIEST/PRIESTESS or a CHAPLIN. The HIGH PRIEST, the Polyfather. And POEE =POPES=.

POEE LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLES are authorized to initiate others as Discordian Society Legionnaires. PRIESTS appoint their own DEACONS. The POLYFATHER ordains Priests. I don't know about the =POPES=.

[Illustration: a five-pointed "This book is a mirror. When a star with a "5" in the center] monkey looks in, no apostle looks out." -- Lichtenberg

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OFFICIAL [Illustration: a DISCORDIAN SOCIETY flaming eye-in-the- HAIL ERIS pyramid]

APPLICATION OF MEMBERSHIP

In the Erisian Movement of the DISCORDIAN SOCIETY

1. Today's date Yesterday's date

2. Purpose of this application: -- membership in a. Legion of Dynamic Discord b. POEE c. Bavarian Illuminati d. All of the above e. None of the above f. Other -- be SPECIFIC!

3. Name: __________________________. Holy Name: _________________.

Address: _______________________________________________________. If temporary, also give an address from which mail can be forwarded

4. Description: Born [ ] yes [ ] no. Eyes [ ] 2 [ ] other. Height:

_____ fl. oz. Last time you had a haircut:

Reason: __________________________________. Race: [ ] horse [ ] human. I.Q.: 150-200 200-250 250-300 over 300.

5. History: Education -- highest grade completed 1 2 3 4 5 6 over 6th. Professional: On another ream of paper list every job since 1937 from which you have been fired. Medical: On a separate sheet labeled "confidential," list all major psychotic episodes experienced within the last 24 hours.

6. Sneaky questions to establish personality traits: I would rather a. live in an outhouse b. play in a rock group

c. eat caterpillars. I wear obscene tattoos because _____________

_________________. I have ceased raping little children [ ] yes

[ ] no -- reason: ______________________________________________.

7. Self-portrait

+------------------+ SENDER WAITING! | LICK HERE! | Answer by wire | () | | (You may be one | Rev. Mungo | of the lucky 25) | For Office Use Only -- acc. rej. burned +------------------+

-24- \ / -------- / \

POEE & ITS PRIESTS

If you like Erisianism as it is presented according to Mal-2, then you may wish to form your own POEE CABAL as a POEE PRIEST and you can go do a bunch of POEE Priestly Things. A "POEE Cabal" is exactly what you think it is.

The High Priest makes no demands on his Priests, though he does rather expect good will of them. The Office of the Polyfather is to point, not to teach. Once in a while, he even listens.

Should you find that your own revelations of the Goddess become substantially different than the revelations of Mal-2, then perhaps the Goddess has plans for you as an Episkopos, and you might consider creating your own sect from scratch, unhindered. Episkoposes are not competing with each other, and they are all POEE Priests anyway (as soon as I locate them). The point is that Episkoposes are developing separate paths to the Erisian mountain top. See the section "Discordian Society."

CAUTION <---------<< INSERTS ORDINATION AS A POEE PRIEST

There are no particular qualifications for Ordination because if you want to be a POEE Priest then you must undoubtedlly qualify. Who could possible know better than you whether or not you should be Ordinaned?

An ORDINED POEE PRIEST or PRIESTESS is defined as "one who holds an Ordination Certificate from the Office of the Polyfather."

Seek into the Chao if you wouldst be wise And find ye delight in Her Great Surprise! Look into the Chao if you wantest to know What's in a Chao and why it ain't so! HBT; The Book of Advice, 1:1

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Would Council of Churches Boutique

NOTE TO POEE PRIESTS

The Polyfather wishes to remind all Erisians that POEE was conceived not as a commercial enterprise, and that you are requested to keep your cool when seeking funds for POEE Cabals or when spreading the POEE Word via the marketplace.

[Illustration: a man wearing a Mickey Mouse hat bursting out of a newspaper, with the balloon, "Hey! Where's da pixs? Mumble, mumble, pissondis...!"]

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The hidden stone ripens fast, Then laid bare like a turnip Can easily be cut out at last But even then the danger isn't past. That man lives best who's fain To live half mad, half sane. -- Flemish Poet Jan van Stijevoort, 1524

THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION

BEFORE THE GODDESS ERIS, I (name or holy name), DO HEREWITH DECLARE MYSELF A POEE BROTHER OF THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!

The presiding POEE Official (if any) responds:

ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!

DON'T PHONE

FIND THE GODDESS ERIS To diverse gods WITHIN YOUR PINEAL GLAND Do mortals bow; POEE Holy Cow, and Wholly Chao. -- Rev. Dr. Grindlebone "Common sense is what tells you that Monroe Cabal the world is flat."

-27-

[Illustration: a cockroach] This is St. Gulik. He is the Messenger of the Goddess. A different age from ours called him Hermes. Many people have called him by many names. He is a Roach.

Legion of Dynamic Discord HARK!

Recognize that the -- Discordian Society -- doth hereby certify

as a Legionnaire

Glory to we children of ERIS!

Presented under the auspices of our Lady of Discord, ERIS, by the House of the Apostles of ERIS. \ / [Illustration: the -------- Golden Apple] / \ D S OFFICE OF MY HIGH REVERENCE MALALCYPSE THE YOUNGER, K.S.C. OPOVIG -- HIGH PRIEST POEE

-28-

GENERAL LICENSE

HOW TO START A POEE CABAL WITHOUT MESSING AROUND WITH THE POLYFATHER

If you cannot find the Polyfather, or having found him, don't want anything to do with him, you are still authorized to form your own POEE CABAL and do Priestly Things, using the _Principia Discordia_ as a guide. Your Official Rank will be POEE CHAPLIN for THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD, which is exactly the same as a POEE PRIEST except that you don't have an Ordination Certificate. The words you are now reading are your ordination.

HOW TO BECOME A POEE CHAPLIN 1. Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies. 2. Sign and nose-print each copy. 3. Send one to the President of the United States. 4. Send one to The California State Bureau of Furniture and Bedding 1021 'D' Street, Sacramento, CA 94814 5. Nail one to a telephone pole. Hide one. And burn the other. Then consult your pineal gland.

[Illustration: a cow sitting in a meat freezer, thinking, "General License was Sgt. Pepper's Commander"]

OLD POEE SLOGAN: When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt...get in doubt!

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Trip FIVE

This Mystree Rite is not required for initiation, but it is offered by many POEE Priest to proselytes who desire a formal ceremony.

1. The Priest and four Brothers are arranged in a pentagon with the Initiate in the center facing the Priest. If possible, the Brothers on the immediate right and left of the Priest should be Deacons. The Initiate must be totally naked, to demonstrate that he is truly a human being and not something else in dusguise like a cabbage or something.

2. All persons in the audience and the pnetagon, excepting the Priest, assume a squatting position and return to a standing position. This is repeated four more times. This dance is symbolic of the humility of we Erisians.

3. The Priest begins:

I, (complete holy name, with mystical titles, and degrees, designations, offices, etc.), Ordained Priest of the Paratheo- anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric, with the Authority invested in me by the High Priest of It, Office of the Polyfather, the House of the Rising Podge, POEE Head Temple; do herewith require of ye: 1. Are ye a human being and not a cabbage or something? (The Initiate answers, "Yes.") 2. That's too bad. Do ye wish to better thyself? (The Initiate answers, "Yes.") 3. How stupid. Are ye willing to become philosophically illuminized? (He answers, "Yes.") 4. Very funny. Will ye dedicate yeself to the Holy Erisian Movement? (The Initiate answers, "Probably.") 5. Then swear ye the following after me: (The Priest here leads the Initiate in a recital of THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION.) The Priest continues: Then I do here proclaim ye POEE disciple (name), Legionnaire of Dynamic Discord. Hail Eris! Hail hail! Hail yes!

4. All present rejoice grandly. The new Brother opens a large jug of wine and offers it to all who are present.

5. The Ceremony generally degenerates.

Mord says that Omar DO NOT PULL says that we are ON YELLOW TIP all unicorns anyway

3. And though Omar did bid of the Collector of Garbage, in words that were both sweet and bitter, to surrender back the cigar box containing the cards desginated by the Angel as the Honest Book of Truth, the Collector was to him as one who might be smitted deaf, saying only, 'Gainst the rules, y'know. HBT; The Book of Explanations, Chap. 2

ANSWERS: 1. Harry Houdini 2. Swing music 3. Pretzels 4. 8 months 5. Testy Culbert 6. It protrudes 7. No vocal cords

DISCARDED

-31-

THE POEE MYSTEREE OATH G3400 50 The Initiate swears the following: DMTS FLYING BABY SHIT!!!!! 19

(Brothers of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria sect may wish to substitute the German: FLIEGENDE KINDERSCHEISSE! or perhaps "FOREIGN" WIECZNY KWIAT WTADZA! which is Ewige Blumenkraft in Polish.)

The recent expose that Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese who can swallow [Illustration: a fish biting his nose, cannot swallow a fishing lure that is the Five his nose but his brother can, Fingered Hand of Eris] has been exposed! It _is_ Mr. Momomoto who can swallow his nose. He swallowed his brother in the summer of '44.

Corrections to last week's copy: Johnny Sample is offensive cornerback for the New York Jets, not fullback as stated. Bobby Tolan's name is not Randy, but mud. All power to the people, and ban the fucking bomb.

"This Statement is False" (courtesy of POEE)

-32-

No two equals are the same!

[Illustration: two Golden Apples garnish the statement THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY]

The Discordian Society has no definition.

I sometimes think of it as a disorganization of Eris Freaks. It has been called a guerrila mind theatre. Episkopos Randomfactor, Director of Purges of Our People's Underworld Movement sect in Larchmont, prefers "The World's Greatest Association of whatever-it- is-that-we-are." Lady Mal thinks of it as a RENAISSANCE THINK TANK. Fang the Unwashed, W.K.C., won't say. You can think of it any way you like.

AN EPISKOPOS OF THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY is one who prefers total automony, and creates his own Discordian sect as The Goddess directs him. He speaks for himself and for those that say that they like what he says.

THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD: A Discordian Society Legionnaire is one who prefers not to create his own sect.

If you want in on the Discordian Society Some Episkoposes then declare yourself what you wish have a one-man cabal. do what you like Some work together. and tell us about it Some never do explain. or if you prefer don't.

There are no rules anywhere. The Goddess Prevails.

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride, then I get to the bottom and I see you again! Helter skelter! -- John Lennon

"Everybody I know who is right always agrees with _me_" -- Rev. Lady Mal

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THE GOLDEN APPLE CORPS

The Golden Apple Corps* is an honorary position for the Keepers of the Sacred Chao, so that they can put "K.S.C." after their names.

It says little, does less, TRAVEL AGENT means nothing.

---------- * Not to be confused with The Apple Corps, Ltd. of those four singers. We thought of it first.

[Illustration of a bearded man in a priest's robe, making the 'V' sign with his left hand, and a Hand of Eris pendant hangs around his neck]

THE NUMERAL V SIGN Used by Old Roman Discordians, Illuminatus Churchill, and innocent hippies everywhere.

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PERPETUAL DATE CONVERTER FROM GREGORIAN TO POEE CALENDAR

SEASONS 1. Chaos -- Patron Apostle Hung Mung 2. Discord -- Patron Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo 3. Confusion -- Patron Apostle Sri Syadasti 4. Bureaucracy -- Patron Apostle Zarathud 5. The Aftermath -- Patron Apostle the Elder Malaclypse

DAYS OF THE WEEK* 1. Sweetmorn *The DAYS OF THE WEEK 2. Boomtime are named from the five 3. Pungenday basic elements: SWEET, 4. Prickle-Prickle BOOM, PUNGENT, PRICKLE, 5. Setting Orange and ORANGE.

HOLYDAYS A. Apostle Holydays B. Seasons Holydays 1. Mungday 1. Chaoflux 2. Mojoday 2. Discoflux 3. Syaday 3. Confuflux 4. Zaraday 4. Bureflux 5. Maladay 5. Afflux Each occurs on the 5th Each occurs on the 50th day of the Season day of the Season

C. Saint Tib's Day -- occurs once every four years (1 + 4 = 5) and is inserted between the 59th and 60th days of the Season of Chaos

ST BT PD PP SO SM BT PD PP SO Jan 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 Chs Jul 5 6 7 8 9 40 41 42 43 44 Cfn 6 7 8 9 10 6 7 8 9 10 10 11 12 13 14 45 46 47 48 49 11 12 13 14 15 11 12 13 14 15 15 16 17 18 19 50 51 52 53 54 16 17 18 19 20 16 17 18 19 20 20 21 22 23 24 55 56 57 58 59 21 22 23 24 25 21 22 23 24 25 25 26 27 28 29 60 61 62 63 64 26 27 28 29 30 26 27 28 29 30 30 31 1 2 3 65 66 67 68 69 31 1 2 3 4 31 32 33 34 35 Aug 4 5 6 7 8 70 71 72 73 1 Bcy Feb 5 6 7 8 9 36 37 38 39 40 9 10 11 12 13 2 3 4 5 6 10 11 12 13 14 41 42 43 44 45 14 15 16 17 18 7 8 9 10 11 15 16 17 18 19 46 47 48 49 50 19 20 21 22 23 12 13 14 15 16 20 21 22 23 24 51 52 53 54 55 24 25 26 27 28 17 18 19 20 21 25 26 27 28* 1 56 57 58 59 60 29 30 31 1 2 22 23 24 25 26 Mar 2 3 4 5 6 61 62 63 64 65 Sep 3 4 5 6 7 27 28 29 30 31 7 8 9 10 11 66 67 68 69 70 8 9 10 11 12 32 33 34 35 36 12 13 14 15 16 71 72 73 1 2 Dsc 13 14 15 16 17 37 38 39 40 41 17 18 19 20 21 3 4 5 6 7 18 19 20 21 22 42 43 44 45 46 22 23 24 25 26 8 9 10 11 12 23 24 25 26 27 47 48 49 50 51 27 28 29 30 31 13 14 15 16 17 28 29 30 1 2 52 53 54 55 56 Apr 1 2 3 4 5 18 19 20 21 22 Oct 3 4 5 6 7 57 58 59 60 61 6 7 8 9 10 23 24 25 26 27 8 9 10 11 12 62 63 64 65 66 11 12 13 14 15 28 29 30 31 32 13 14 15 16 17 67 68 69 70 71 16 17 18 19 20 33 34 35 36 37 18 19 20 21 22 72 73 1 2 3 Afm 21 22 23 24 25 38 39 40 41 42 23 24 25 26 27 4 5 6 7 8 26 27 28 29 30 43 44 45 46 47 28 29 30 31 1 9 10 11 12 13 May 1 2 3 4 5 48 49 50 51 52 Nov 2 3 4 5 6 14 15 16 17 18 6 7 8 9 10 53 54 55 56 57 7 8 9 10 11 19 20 21 22 23 11 12 13 14 15 58 59 60 61 62 12 13 14 15 16 24 25 26 27 28 16 17 18 19 20 63 64 65 66 67 17 18 19 20 21 29 30 31 32 33 21 22 23 24 25 68 69 70 71 72 22 23 24 25 26 34 35 36 37 38 26 27 28 29 30 73 1 2 3 4 Cfn 27 28 29 30 1 39 40 41 42 43 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Dec 2 3 4 5 6 44 45 46 47 48 Jun 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 7 8 9 10 11 49 50 51 52 53 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 12 13 14 15 16 54 55 56 57 58 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 17 18 19 20 21 59 60 61 62 63 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 22 23 24 25 26 64 65 66 67 68 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 27 28 29 30 31 69 70 71 72 73 30 1 2 3 4 35 36 37 38 39 [1970 = 3136] [Next St. Tib's Day in 3138]

SACRED DOCUMENT OF THE FROGS (old Erisian poem): 73 Days hath Chaos, Discord, Confusion, Bureaucracy, and Aftermath

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HOLY NAMES

Discordians have a tradition of assuming HOLY NAMES. This is not unique with Erisianism, of course. I suppose Pope Paul is the son of Mr. and Mrs. VI?

And also TITLES OF MYSTICAL IMPORT.

[Illustration: a pope-looking individual with the balloon, "SO??"]

Will whoever stole Brother Reverend Magoon's pornography please return it.

-36-

[Illustration: a confusion mish-mash of images, drawings, and pictures, including: a middle finger extended, the golden apple, the emblem on the back of the dollar bill which has the eye-in-the- pyramid, a cannon with a mouth on the end, and so on.]

+---------------------------------------------------------+ | THE BEARER OF THIS CARD | | IS A GENUINE AND AUTHORIZED | | P O P E | | So PLEASE Treat Him Right | | | | GOOD FOREVER | | | | Genuine and authorized by the HOUSE of APOSTLES of ERIS | | ------------------------------------------------------- | | Every man, woman and child on this Earth | | is a genuine and authorized Pope. | | Reproduce and distribute these cards freely | | P.O.E.E. -- Head Temple, San Francisco | +---------------------------------------------------------+ A =POPE= is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities

[Illustration: a block of stone with a hole in the center, and through the hole an eye is peering out. Written on the stone are the words, "THOU ART WHOLE"] O K

-37-

FOR YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT

THE PARABLE OF THE BITTER TEA Rev. Dr. Hypocrates Magoun, P.P. POEE PRIEST, Okinawa Cabal

When Hypoc was through meditating with St. Gulik, he went there into the kitchen where he busied himself with preparing the feast and in his endeavor, he found that there was some old tea in a pan left standing from the night before, when he had in his weakness forgot about its making and had let it sit steeping for twenty-four hours. It was dark and murky and it was Hypoc's intention to use this old tea by diluting it with water. And again in his weakness, chose without further consideration and plunged into the physical labor of the preparations. It was then when deeply immersed in the pleasure of that trip, he had a sudden loud clear voice in his head, saying, "It is bitter tea that involves you so." Hypoc heard the voice, but the struggle inside intensified, and the pattern, previously established with the physical laboring and the muscle messages coordinated and unified or perhaps coded, continued to exert their influence and Hypoc succumbed to the pressure and he denied the voice.

And again he plunged into the physical orgy and completed the task, and Lo, as the voice had predicted, the tea was bitter.

"The Five Laws have root in awareness." -- Che Fung (Ezra Pound, Canto 85)

The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't. HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 3:1

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A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE

One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?

"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.

"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

"But nobody _wants_ it! Everybody hates it."

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.

At which moment She turned Herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather, stranded alone with his species.

SINISTER DEXTER HAS A BROKEN SPIROMETER.

-39-

CHAPTER 5: THE PIONEERS

THE FIVE APOSTLES OF ERIS & WHO THEY BE

1. HUNG MUNG A sage of Ancient China and Official Discordian Missionary to the Heathen Chinee. He who originally devised THE SACRED CHAO. Patron of The Season of Chaos. Holyday: 5 Jan.

2. DR. VAN VAN MOJO A Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls. D.H.V., "Doctor of Voodoo and Vexes," from The Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School; and F.I.H.G.W.P., "Fellow of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerillas for World Peace." Patron of The Season of Discord. Holyday: 19 Mar. Note: Erisians of The Laughing Christ sect are of the silly contention that Dr. Mojo is an imposter and that PATAMUNZO LINGANANDA is the True Second Apostle. Lord Omar claims that Mr. Mojo heaps hatred and curses on Patamunzo, who sends only Love Vibrations in return. But we have the POEE sect know that Patamunzo is the Real Imposter, and that those vibrations of his are actually an attempt to subvert Dr. Mojo's rightful apostilic authority by shaking him out of his wits.

3. SRI SYA-DASTI SYA-DAVAK-TAVYA SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI SYA-DASTI-DAVAK- TAV-YASKA SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI-SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI- SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA, commonly just called SRI SYADASTI (His name is Sanskrit, and means: All affirmations are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense.) He is an Indian pundit and prince, born of the Peyotl Tribe, son of Gentle Chief Sun Flower Seed and the squaw Merry Jane. Patron to psychedelic type Discordians. Patron of The Season of Confusion. Holyday: 31 May. Note: Sri Syadasti should not be confused with BLESSED ST. GULIK THE STONED, who is not the same person but is the same Apostle.

4. ZARATHUD THE INCORRIGIBLE, sometimes called ZARATHUD THE STAUNCH A hard nosed hermit of Medieval Europe and Chaosphe Bible Banger. Dubbed "Offender of the Faith." Discovered the Five Commandments. Patron of The Season of Bureaucracy. Holyday: 12 Aug.

5. THE ELDER MALACLYPSE A wandering wiseman of Ancient Mediterrania ("Med-Terra" or middle earth), who followed a five-pointed star through the alleys of Rome, Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Mecca, and Cairo, bearing a sign that seemed to read "DOOM." (This is a misunderstanding. The sign actually read, "DUMB." Mal-1 was a non-prophet.) Patron and namesake of Mal-2. Patron on The Season of Aftermath. Holyday: 24 Oct.

All statements are true in some sense, The teachings of the Sri Syadasti School Dfalse in some sense, meaningless in of Spiritual Wisdom are true in some some sense, true and false in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless sense, true and meaningless in some in some sense, true and false in some sense, and true and false and sense, true and meaningless in some meaningless in some sense. A public sense, and true and false and service clarification by the Sri meaningless in some sense. Patamunzo Syadasti School of Spiritual Wisdom, Lingananda School of Higher Spiritual Wilmette. Wisdom, Skokie.

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[Illustration: a woman sitting on a stool and drawing, with a child beneath her. The woman is saying, "Hey, man...great! I feel goofy, the way my old man looks when he's drunk!"]

THE HONEST BOOK OF TRUTH being a BIBLE of The Erisian Movement

and How It was Revealed to Episkopos LORD OMAR KHAYYAM RAVENHURST, K.S.C.; Bull Goose of Limbo; and Master Pastor of the Church Invisible of The Laughing Christ, Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus, Laughing Buddha Jesus (LBJ) Ranch

[Illustration: a crufix with a smile nailed to it]

From The Honest Book of Truth THE BOOK OF EXPLANATIONS, Chapter I

1. There came on day to Lord Omar, Bull Goose of Limbo, a Messenger of Our Lady who told him of a Sacred Mound wherein was buried an Honest Book.

2. And the Angel of Eris bade of the Lord: Go ye hence and dig the Truth, that ye may come to know it and, knowing it, spread it and, spreading it, wallow in it and, wallowing in it, lie in it and, lying in the Truth, become a Poet of the Word and a Sayer of Sayings - an Inspiration to all men and a Scribe to the Gods.

3. So Omar went forth to the Sacred Mound, which was to the East of Nullah, and thereupon he worked digging in the sand for five days and five nights, but found no Book.

4. At the end of five days and five nights of digging, it came to pass that Omar was exhausted. So he put his shovel to one side and bedded himself down on the sand, using as a pillow a Golden Chest he had uncovered on the first day of his labors.

5. Omar slept.

6. On the fifth day of his sleeping, Lord Omar fell into a Trance, and there came to him in the Trance a Dream, and there came to him in the Dream a Messenger of Our Lady who told him of a Sacred Grove wherein was hidden a Golden Chest.

7. And the Angel of Eris bade to the Lord: Go ye hence and lift the Stash, that ye may come to own it and, owning it, share it and, sharing it, love in it and, loving in it, dwell in it and, dwelling in the Stash, become a Poet of the Word and a Sayer of Sayings - an Inspiration to all men and a Scribe to the Gods.

8. But Omar lamented, saying unto the Angel: What is this shit, man? What care I for the Word and Sayings? What care I for the Inspiration of all men? Wherein does it profit a man to be a Scribe to the Gods when the Scribes of the Governments do nothing, yet are paid better wages?

9. And, lo, the Angel waxed in anger and Omar was stricken to the Ground by an Invisible Hand and did not arise for five days and five nights.

10. And it came to pass that on the fifth night he dreamt, and in his Dream he had a Vision, and in this Vision there came unto him a Messenger of Our Lady who entrusted to him a Rigoletto cigar box containing many filing cards, some of the in packs with rubber bands around, and upon these cards were sometimes written verses, while upon others nothing was written.

11. Thereupon the Angel Commanded the Lord: Take ye this Honest Book of Truth to thine bosom and cherish it. Carry it forth to The Land and lay it before Kings of Nations and Collectors of Garbage. Preach from it unto the Righteous, that they may renounce their ways and repent.

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CONVENTIONAL CHAOS DO NOT BEND

GREYFACE

In the year 1166 B.C., a malcontented hunchbrain by the name of Greyface, got it into his head that the universe was as humorless as he, and he began to teach that play was sinful because it contradicted the ways of Serious Order. "Look at all the order about you," he said. And from that, he deluded honest men to believe that reality was a strait jacket affair and not the happy romance as men had known it.

It is not presently understood why men were so gullible at that particular time, for absolutely no one thought to observe all the _disorder_ around them and conclude just the opposite. But anyway, Greyface and his followers took the game of playing at life more seriously than they took life itself and were known even to destroy other living beings whose ways of life differed from their own.

The unfortunate result of this is that mankind has since been suffering from a psychological and spiritual imbalance. Imbalance causes frustration, and frustration causes fear. And fear makes a bad trip. Man has been on a bad trip for a long time now.

It is called THE CURSE OF GREYFACE.

Bullshit makes the flowers grow & that's beautiful.

-43-

MAP LIBRARY Climb into the Chao with a friend or two MAP LIBRARY And follow the Way it carries you, MAP LIBRARY Adrift like a Lunatic Lifeboat Crew Over the Waves in whatever you do. HBT; The Book of Advice, 1:1

MANDALA

[Illustration: Five irregularly shaped nine-sided figures are arranged so that the overall appearance is of a pentagon. The Hand of Eris rests inside them all.]

NO TWO ELEMENTS INTERLOCK BUT ALL FIVE DO INTERLOCK

-44-

MEANWHILE, at the Chinese laundromat...

DOGMA I - METAPHYSICS #2, "COSMOLOGY"*

THE BOOK OF THE UTERUS from The Honest Book of Truth revealed to Lord Omar

-I-

1. Before the beginning was the Nonexistent Chao, balanced in Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Hodge and the Podge. 2. Whereupon, by an Act of Happenstance, the Hodge began gradually to overpower the Podge - and the Primal Chaos thereby came to be. 3. So in the beginning was the Primal Chaos, balanced on the Edge of Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Podge and the Hodge. 4. Whereupon, by the Law of Negative Reversal,** the Podge swiftly underpowered the Hodge and Everything broke loose. 5. And therein emerged the Active Force of Discord, the Subtle Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao, to guide Everything along the Path back to Oblivion - that it might not become lost among Precepts of Order to the Region of Thud. 6. Forasmuch as it was Active, the Force of Discord entered the State of Confusion, wherein It copulated with the Queen and begat ERIS, Our Lady of Discord and Gross Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao. 7. And under Eris Confusion became established, and was hence called Bureaucracy; while over Bureaucracy Eris became established, and was hence called Discordia. 8. By the by it came to pass that the Establishment of Bureaucracy perished in a paper shortage. 9. Thus it was, in accord with the Law of Laws. [A hand points to the next page] 10. During and after the Fall of the Establishment of Bureaucracy was the Aftermath, an Age of Disorder in which calculation, computations, and reckonings were put away by the Children of Eris in Acceptance and Preparation for Return to Oblivion to be followed by a Repetition of the Universal Absurdity. Moreover, of Itself the Coming of Aftermath waseth a Resurrection of the Freedom-flowing Chaos. HAIL ERIS! 11. Herein was set into motion the Eristic Pattern, which would Repeat Itself Five Times Over Seventy-three Times, after which nothing would happen.

---------- * This doctrine should not be confused with DOGMA III -- HISTORY #6, "HISTORIC CYCLES," which states that social progress occurs in five cycles, the first three ("The Tricycle") of which are THESIS, ANTITHESIS and PARENTHESIS; and the last two ("The Bicycle") of which are CONSTERNATION and MORAL WARPTITUDE.

** The LAW OF NEGATIVE REVERSAL states that if something does -not- happen then the exact opposite _will_ happen, only in exactly the opposite manner from that in which it did not happen.

NOTE: It is from this text from The Book of Uterus, that POEE has based its Erisian Calendar with the year divided into 6 Seasons of 73 days each. Each of the Five Apostles of Eris has patronage over one Season.

DULL BUT SINCERE FILLER

-46-

"And behold, thusly was the Law formulated: IMPOSITION OF ORDER = ESCALATION OF DISORDER!" HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 1:6

THE FIVE ORDERS OF DISCORDIA ("THEM") Gen. Pandaemonium, commanding

The seeds of the ORDERS OF DISCORDIA were planted by Greyface into his early disciples. They form the skeleton of the Aneristic Movement, which over-emphasizes the Principle of Order and is antagonistic to the necessary compliment, the Principle of Disorder. The Orders are composed of persons all hung up on authority, security, and control; i.e., they are blinded by the Aneristic Illusion. They do not know that they belong to the Orders of Discordia. But _we_ know.

1. THE MILITARY ORDER OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE FIVE-SIDED TEMPLE. This is for all of the soldiers and bureaucrats of the world. 2. THE POLITICAL ORDER OF THE PARTY FOR WAR ON EVIL. This is reserved for lawmakers, censors, and like ilk. 3. THE ACADEMIC ORDER OF THE HEMLOCK FELLOWSHIP. They commonly inhabit schools and universities, and dominate many of them. 4. THE SOCIAL ORDER OF THE CITIZENS COMMITTEE FOR CONCERNED CITIZENS. This is mostly a grass-roots version of the more professional military, political, academic, and sacred Orders. 5. THE SACRED ORDER OF THE DEFAMATION LEAGUE. Not much is known about the DL, but they are very ancient and quite possibly were founded by Greyface himself. It is known that they now have absolute domination over all organized churches in the world. It is also believed that they have been costuming cabbages and passing them off as human beings.

Don't let A person belonging to one or more Order T H E M is just as likely to carry a flag of the immanentize counter-establishment as the flag of the the establishment -- just as long as it is Eschaton a flag.

[Illustration: a pentagon] HIP-2-3-4, HIP-2-3-4 MILITARY GO TO YOUR LEFT-RIGHT...

-47-

THE FOLLOWING IS QUOTED FROM BERGAN EVANS ON NORBERT WEINER, NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

The second concept Wiener has to establish is that of entropy. Probability is a mathematical concept, coming from statistics. Entropy comes from physics. It is the assertion -- established logicallly and experimentally -- that the universe, by its nature, is "running down," moving toward a state of inert uniformity devoid of form, matter, hierarchy or differentiation.

That is, in any given situation, less organization, more chaos, is overwhelmingly more probable than tighter organization or more order.

The tendency for entropy to increase in isolated systems is expressed in the second law of thermodynamics -- perhaps the most pessimistic and amoral formulation in all human thought.

It applies, however, to a closed system, to something that is an isolated whole, not just a part. Within such systems there may be parts, which draw their energy from the whole, that are moving, at least temporarily, in the opposite direction; in them order is increasing and chaos is diminishing.

The whirlpools that swirl in a direction opposed to the main current are called "enclaves." And one of them is life, especially human life, which in a universe moving inexorably towards chaos moves toward increased order.

PERSONAL PLANETARY PI, which I discovered, is 61. It's a Time-Energy relationship existing between sun and inner planets If the telephone and I use it in arriving at many facts rings today... unknown to science. For example, Water it! multiply nude earth's circumference -- Rev. Thomas, Gnostic 24 902.206 56 by 61 and you get the N.Y.C. Cabal distance of moon's orbit around the earth. This is slightly less than actual distance because we have not yet considered earth's atmosphere. So be it. Christopher Garth, Evanston.

"I should have been a plumber." -- Albert Einstein

-48-

"Grasshopper always wrong in argument with chicken" -- Book of Chan, compiled by O.P.U. sect

ZARATHUD'S ENLIGHTENMENT

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.

One day Zarathud took the students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your purpose in life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied, "MU."*

Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody could understand Chinese.

---------- * "MU" is the Chinese ideogram for NO-THING. FIND PEACE TAO FA [Illustration: a book labeled "Words WITH A TSU-DAN if Wisdom. The pages are all blank.] CONTENTED CHAO

-49-

THE SACRED CHAO MUST THE SACRED CHAO (pronounced "the sacred cow") is the key to illumination. Devised by the Apostle Hung Mung in ancient China, it was modified and popularized by the Taoists and is sometimes called the YIN-YANG. The Sacred Chao is not the yin-yang of the Taoists. It is the HODGE-PODGE of the Erisians. And, instead of a Podge spot on the Hodge side, it has a PENTAGON which symbolizes the ANERISTIC PRINCIPLE, and instead of a Hodge spot on the Podge side, it depicts the GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA to symbolize the ERISTIC PRINCIPLE.

The Sacred Chao symbolizes absolutely everything anyone need every know about absolutely anything, and more! It even symbolizes everything not worth knowing, depicted by the empty space surrounding the Hodge-Podge.

HERE FOLLOWS SOME PSYCHO-METAPHYSICS. If you are not hot for philosophy, best just skip it.

The Aneristic Principle is that of APPARENT ORDER; the Eristic Principle is that of APPARENT DISORDER. Both order and disorder are man-made *concepts* and are artificial divisions of PURE CHAOS, which is a level deeper than is the level of distinction-making.

With our concept-making apparatus called *mind* we look at reality through the ideas-about-reality which our cultures give us. The ideas-about-reality are mistakenly labeled "reality" and unenlightened people are forever perplexed by the fact that other people, especially other cultures, see "reality" differently. It is only the ideas- about-reality which differ. Real (capital-T True) reality is a level deeper than is the level of concept.

We look at the world through windows on which have been drawn grids (*concepts*). Different philosophies use different grids. A culture is a group of people with rather similar grids. Through a window we view chaos, and relate it to the points on our grid, and thereby understand it. The ORDER is in the GRID. That is the Aneristic Principle.

[Illustration: a menagerie of Sacred Chaos overlap each other, as if to approach the reader]

Western philosophy is traditionally concerned with contrasting one grid with another grid, and amending grids in hopes of finding a perfect one that will account for all reality and will, hence, (say unenlightened Westerners) be True. This is illusory; it is what we Erisians call the ANERISTIC ILLUSION. Some grids can be more useful than others, some more beautiful than others, some more pleasant than others, etc., but none can be more True than any other.

DISORDER is simply unrelated information viewed through some particular grid. But, like "relation," no-relation is a concept. Male, like female, is an idea about sex. To say that maleness is "abscence of femaleness," or vice versa, is a matter of definition and metaphysically arbitrary. The artificial concept of no-relation is the ERISTIC PRINCIPLE.

The belief that "order is true" and disorder is false or somehow wrong, is the Aneristic Illusion. To say the same of disorder, is the ERISTIC ILLUSION.

The point is that (little-t) truth is a matter of definition relative to the grid one is using at the moment, and that (capital-T) Truth, metaphysical reality, is irrelevant to grids entirely. Pick a grid, and through it some chaos appears ordered and some appears disordered. Pick another grid, and the same chaos will appear differently ordered and disordered.

Reality is the original Rorschach.

Verily! So much for all of that.

The Words of the Foolish and those of the Wise [Illustration: Are not far apart in Discordian Eyes. a hand points HBT; The Book of Advice, 2:1 to the next page]

The PODGE of the Sacred Chao is symbolized as THE GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA, which represents the Eristic Principle of Disorder. The writing on it, _kallisti,_ is Greek for "to the prettiest one" and refers to an old myth about the Goddess. But the Greeks had only a limited understanding of Disorder, and thought it to be a negative principle.

[Illustration: a The PENTAGON represents the Aneristic stylized pentagon Principle of Order and symbolizes the HODGE. with a "5" in the The Pentagon has several references; for one, center] it can be taken to represent geometry, one of the earliest studies of formal order to reach elaborate development;* for another, it specifically accords with THE LAW OF FIVES.

THE TRUTH IS FIVE BUT MEN HAVE ONLY ONE NAME FOR IT. -- Patamunzo Lingananda

It is also the shape of the United States Military Headquarters, the Pnetagon Building, a most pregnant manifestation of straightjacket order resting on a firm foundation of chaos and constantly erupting into dazzling disorder; and this building is one of our more cherished Erisian Shrines. Also it so happens that in times of medieval magic, the pentagon was the generic symbol for werewolves, but this reference is not particularly intended and it should be noted that the Erisian Movement does not discriminate against werewolves -- our membership roster is open to persons of all races, national origins, and hobbies.

---------- * The Greek geometrician Pythagorus, however, was not a typical aneristic personality. He was what we call an EXPLODED ANERISTIC and an AVATAR. We call him Archangle Pythagorus.

-52-

THE HODGE/PODGE TRANSFORMER

[Illustration: The Hodge/Podge Transformer. There are two plates set vertically on the left and right; the left plate is labeled "ANERISTIC," and the right plate is labeled "ERISTIC." Hermes-like wings point to each plate. Connecting the two plates are a myriad tubes, and in the direct center is the legend, "FIFTH DIMENSIONAL CHAOS MATRIX." Attached to the intervening tubes are various artifacts: a balloon reading "Hot Air" tied to a bend; a weight attached to another bend labeled "5 Tons Flax"; the Golden Apple of Discordia rests on a platform in the mess, and a pentagon hangs from another bend, with the legend "Tilt."]

28 DAY RECORDING

5. Hung Mung slapped his buttocks, hopped about, and shook his head, saying, "I do not know! I do not know!" HBT; The Book of Gooks, Chap. 1

-53-

BRUNSWICK SHRINE

In the Los Angeles suburb of Whittier there lives a bowling alley, and within this very place, in the Year of Our Lady of Discord 3125 (1959*), Eris revealed Herself to The Golden Apple Corps for the first time.

In honor of this Incredible Event, this Holy Place is revered as a Shrine by all Erisians. Once every five years, the Golden Apple Corps plans a Pilgrimage to Brunswick Shrine as an act of Devotion, and therein to partake of No Hot Dog Buns, and ruminate a bit about It All.

It is written that when The Corps returns to The Shrine for the fifth time five times over, then shall the world come to an end:

...Impending doom has arrived...

And Five Days Prior to This Occasion The Apostle The Elder Malaclypse Shall Walk the Streets of Whittier Bearing a Sign for All Literates to Read Thereof: "DOOM," as a Warning of Forthcoming Doom to All Men Impending. And He Shall Signal This Event by Seeking the Poor and Distributing to Them Precious MAO BUTTONS and Whittier Shall be Known as The Region of Thud for These Five Days.

As a public service to all mankind and civilization in general, and to us in particular, the Golden Apple Corps has concluded that planning such a Pilgrimage is sufficient and that it is prudent to never get around to actually going. _ QUIET NIGHT S c/o ---------- * Or maybe it was 1958, I forget.

-54-

STARBUCK'S PEBBLES

.

. .

. .

Do these five pebbles _really_ form a pentagon? Those biased by the Aneristic Illusion would say yes. Those biased by the Eristic Illusion would say no. Criss-cross them and it is a star.

An Illuminated Mind can see all of these, yet he does not insist that any one is really true, or that none at all is true. Stars, and pentagons, and disorder are all his own creations and he may do with them as he wishes. Indeed, even so the concept of the number five.

Can you chart The real reality is there, but the COURSE everything you KNOW about "it" to is in your mind and yours to do Captain with as you like. Conceptual- Valentine's ization is art, and YOU ARE THE SWEETHEART? ARTIST.

Convictions cause convicts.

[Illustration: a balloon from off-page reads: "HEMLOCK? I never touch the stuff!"] [Illustration: a young boy looking through a microscope at a magazine] When I was 8 or 9 years old, I acquired a split beaver magazine. You can imagine by disappointment when, upon examination of the photos with a microscope, I found that all I could see was dots.

7. Never write in pencil unless you are on a train or sick in bed.

-55-

ERIS CONTEMPLATES FOR 3125 YEARS

------------------------------------| Pun-Jab is Sikh, Sikh, Sikh! |-- THE PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC (POEE) A Non-prophet Irreligious Disorganization

MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, K.S.C. Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold HIGH PRIEST

THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT HOUSE OF APOSTLES OF ERIS [X] Official Business [ ] Surreptitious Business page 1 of __ pages [ ] The Golden Apple Corps [X] House of Disciples of Discordia: The Bureaucracy, Bureau of: _DOOM__ [ ] Council of Episkoposes; Office of High Priesthood, Sect of the POEE [ ] Drawer "O" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Today's DATE: Day of the Carrot Yesterday's DATE: Yes Originating CABAL: JOSHUA NORTON CABAL -- San_Francisco To: REV. RAMPANT PANCREAS, tRRoCR(a)pttM; Colorado Encrustation

Brother Ram,

Your acute observation that ERIS spelled backwards is SIRE, and your inference to the effect that there is sexual symbolism here, have brought me to some observations of my own.

ERIS spelled fore-part-aft-wards is RISE. And spelled inside out is REIS, which is a unit of money, albeit Portugese-Brazilian and no longer in use. From this it may be concluded that Eris has usurped Eros (god of erotic love) in the eyes of thse who read backwards; which obviously made Eros sorE. Then She apparently embezzled the Olympian Treasury and went to Brazil; whereupon She opened a chain of whore houses (which certainly would get a rise from the male population). I figure it to be this in particular because MADAM reads the same forwards and backwards. And further, it is a term of great respect, similar to SIRE.

And so thank you for your insight, it may well be the clue to the mystery of just where Eris has been fucking around for 3125 years.

FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

[Signed: Mal-squared]

NOT FOR CIRCULATION

KALLISTI -- Hail Eris! -- ALL HAIL DISCORDIA

Safeguard this letter: it may be an IMPORTANT DOCUMENT! Form No. O.D.D. IIb/ii.1-37D.VVM:3134 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

-56-

DOGMA III - HISTORY #2, "COSMOGONY" which is not the same as DOGMA I - METAPHYSICS #2, "COSMOLOGY"

In the beginning there was VOID, who had two daughters; one (the smaller) was that of BEING, named ERIS, and one (the larger) was of NON-BEING, named ANERIS. (To this day, the fundamental truth that Aneris is the larger is apparent to all who compare the great number of things that do not exist with the comparatively small number of things that do exist.)

Eris had been born pregnant, and after 55 years (Goddesses have an unusually long gestation period - longer even than elephants), Her pregnancy bore the fruits of many things. These things were composed of the Five Basic Elements, SWEET, BOOM, PUNGENT, PRICKLE AND ORANGE. Aneris, however, had been created sterile. When she saw Eris enjoying Herself so greatly with all of the existent things She had borne, Aneris became jealous and finally one day she stole some existent things and changed them into non-existent things and claimed them as her own children. This deeply hurt Eris, who felt that Her sister was unjust (being so much larger anyway) to deny Her her small joy. And so She made Herself swell again to bear more things. And She swore that no matter how many of her begotten that Aneris would steal, She would beget more. And, in return, Aneris swore that no matter how many existent things Eris brought forth, she would eventually find them and turn them into non-existent things for her own. (And to this day, things appear and disappear in this very manner.)

At first, the things brought forth by Eris were in a state of chaos and went in every which way, but by the by She began playing with them and ordered some of them just to see what would happen. Some pretty things arose from this play and for the next five zillion years She amused Herself by creating order. And so She grouped some things with others and some groups with others, and big groups with little groups, and all combinations until She had many grand schemes which delighted Her.

Engrossed in establishing order, She finally one day noticed disorder (previously not apparent because everything was chaos). There were many ways in which chaos was ordered and many ways in which it was not.

"Hah," she thought, "Here shall be a new game."

And She taught order and disorder to play with each other in contest games, and take turns amusing each other. She named the side of disorder after herself, "ERISTIC," because being is anarchic. And then, in a mood of sympathy for Her lonely sister, She named the other side "ANERISTIC" which flattered Aneris and smoothed the friction a little that was between them.

Now all of this time, Void was somewhat disturbed. He felt unsatisfied for he had created only physical existence and physical non-existence, and had neglected the spiritual. As he contemplated this, a great Quiet was caused and he went into a state of Deep Sleep which lasted for five eras. At the end of this ordeal, he begat a brother to Eris and Aneris, that of SPIRITUALITY, who had no name at all.

When the Sisters heard this, they both confronted Void and pleaded that he not forget them, his First Born. And so Void decreed thus:

That this brother, having no form, was to reside with Aneris in Non-Being and then to leave her and, so that he might play with order and disorder, reside with Eris in Being. But Eris became filled with sorrow when She heard this and then began to weep.

"Why are you despondent?" demanded Void. "Your new brother will have his share with you." "But Father, Aneris and I have been arguing, and she will take him from me when she discovers him, and cause him to return to Non-Being." "I see," replied Void. "Then I decree the following:

"When your brother leaves the residence of Being, he shall not reside again in Non-Being, but shall return to Me, Void, from whence he came. You girls may bicker as you wish, but My son is your Brother and We are all of Myself."

And so it is that we, as men, do not exist until we do; and then it is that we play with our world of existent things, and order and disorder them, and so it shall be that non-existence shall take us back from existence and that nameless spirituality shall return to Void, like a tired child home from a very wild circus. \ / "Everything is true -- Everything is permissible!" --------- -- Hassan i Sabbah / \

-59-

There is serenity in Chaos. Seek ye the Eye of the Hurricane.

A POEE MYSTEREE RITE: SRI SYADASTIAN CHANT written, in some sense, by Mal-2

Unlike a song, chants are not sung but chanted. This particular one is much enhanced by the use of a leader to chant the Sanskrit alone, with all participants chanting the English. It also behooves one to be in a quiet frame of mind and to be sitting in a still position, perhaps The Buttercup Position. It also helps if one is absolute zonked out of his gourd.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB. O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Hung Mung. SYA-DASTI. O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Mojo. SYA-DAVAK-TAVYA. O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Zarathud. SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI. O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Elder Mal. SYA-DASTI-KAVAK-TAV-YASKA. O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Gulik. SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI-SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA. O! Hail Eris. All hail Discordia. RUB-A-DUB-DUB.

It is then repeated indefinitely, or for the first two-thousand miles, whichever comes first.

-60-

CLASSIFICATION OF SAINTS

1. SAINT SECOND CLASS To be reserved for all human beings deserving of Sainthood. Example: St. Norton the First, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico (his grave near San Francisco is an official POEE Shrine).

The following four categories are reserved for fictional beings who, not being actual, are more capable of perfection.

2. LANCE SAINT Good Saint material and definitely inspiring. Example: St. Yossarian (_Catch 22,_ Heller).

3. LIEUTENANT SAINT Excellent Goddess-saturated Saint. Example: St. Quixote (_Don Quixote,_ Cervantes).

4. BRIGADIER SAINT Comparable to Lieutenant Saint but has an established following (fictional or factual). Example: St. Bokonon (_Cat's Cradle,_ Vonnegut).

5. FIVE STAR SAINT The Five Apostles of Eris.

NOTE: It is an Old Erisian Tradition to never agree with each other about Saints.

Everybody understands Mickey Mouse. Fe understand Herman Hesse. Only a handful understood Albert Einstein. And nobody understood Emperor Norton. -- slogan of Norton Cabal -- S.F.

-61-

TEST BY DOCTORS PROVE IT POSSIBLE TO SHRINK

ON OCCULTISM

Magicians, especially since the Gnostic and Quabala influences, have sought higher consciousness through the assimiliation and control of universal opposites -- good/evil, positive/negative, male/female, etc. But due to the steadfast pomposity of ritualism inherited from the ancient methods of the shaman, occultists have been blinded to what is perhaps the two most important pairs of apparent or earth-plane opposites: ORDER/DISORDER and SERIOUS/HUMOROUS.

Magicians, and their progeny the scientists, have always taken themselves and their subject in an orderly and sober manner, thereby disregarding an essential metaphysical balance. When magicians learn to approach philosophy as a malleable art instead of an immutable Truth, and learn to appreciate the absurdity of man's endeavors, then they will be able to pursue their art with a lighter heart, and perhaps gain a clearer understanding of it, and therefore gain more effective magic. CHAOS IS ENERGY.

This is an essential challenge to the basics concepts of all Western occult thought, and POEE is humbly pleased to offer the first major breakthrough in occultism since Solomon.

Stud [Illustration: a Demonology wizard, holding a wand With An high in the air. The Enemy wand is tipped with This Hand of Eris] Sunday" sez Thom, Gnos

-62-

THE POEE ASTROLOGICAL SYSTEM

1. On your next birthday, return to the place of your birth and, at precisely midnight, noting your birth time and date of observation, count all visible stars.

2. When you have done this, write to me and I'll tell you what to do next.

The theorem to be proved is that if LOOK FOR THIS any even number of people take seats at SNOWFLAKE -- IT random around a circular table bearing HAS MAGIC place cards with their names, it is PROPERTIES always possible to rotate the table | until at least two people are opposite v their cards. Assume the contrary. let [Illustration: a n be the even number of persons, and let five-pointed their names be replaced by the integers snowflake] 0 to n - 1 "in such a way that the place cards are numbered in sequence around the table. If a delegate d originally sits down to a place card p, then the table must be rotated r steps before he is correctly seated, where r = p - d, unless this is negative, in which case r = p - d + n. The collection of values of d (and of p) for all delegates is clearly the integers 0 to n - 1, each taken once, but so also is the collection of values of r, or else two delegates would be correctly seated at The eminent 16th century the same time. Summing the above mathematician Cardan so equations, one for each delegate, gives detested Luther that he S - S + nk, where k is an integer and S altered Luther's birthdate = n(n - 1)/2, the sum of the integers to give him an unfavorable from 0 to n - 1. It follows that n = 2k horoscope + 1, an odd number." This contradicts the original assumption. "I actually solved this problem some years ago," Rybicki writes, "for a different but completely equivalent problem, a generalization of the non- attacking 'eight queens' problem for a cylindrical chessboard where diagonal attack is restricted to diagonals slanting in one direction only."

-63-

THE CURSE OF GREYFACE AND THE INTRODUCTION OF NEGATIVISM

To choose order of disorder, or disorder over order, is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to, creative order, and also be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder.

The Curse of Greyface included the division of life into order/disorder as the essential positive/negative polarity, instead of building a game foundation with creative/destructive as the essential positive/negative. He has thereby caused man to endure the destructive aspects of order and has prevented man from effectively participating in the creative uses of disorder. Civilization reflects this unfortunate division.

POEE proclaims that the other division is preferable, and we work toward the proposition that creative disorder, like creative order, is possible and desirable; and that destructive order, like destructive disorder, is unnecessary and undesirable.

Seek the Sacred Chao -- therein you will find the foolishness of all ORDER/DISORDER. They are the same!

[Illustration: cryptic heiroglyphs]

-64-

ERISIAN MAGIC RITUAL: THE TURKEY CURSE

Revealed by the Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo as a specific counter to the evil Curse of Greyface, the TURKEY CURSE is here passed on to Erisians everywhere for their just protection.

The Turkey Curse works. It is firmly grounded on the fact that Greyface and his followers absolutely require an Aneristic setting to function and that a timely introduction of Eristic vibrations will neutralize their foundation. The Turkey Curse is designed solely to counteract _negative_ Aneristic vibes and if introduced into a neutral or positive Aneristic setting (like a poet working out word rhythms) it will prove harmless, or at worst, simply annoying. It is not designed for use against negative _Eristic_ vibes, although it can be used as an Eristic vehicle to introduce positive vibes into a misguided Eristic setting. In this instance, it would be the responsibility of the Erisian Magician to manufacture the positive vibrations if results are to be achieved. CAUTION -- all magic is powerful and requires courage and integrity on the part of magician. This ritual, if misused, can backfire. Positive motivation is essential for self-protection.

TO PERFORM THE TURKEY CURSE:

Take a foot stance as if you were John L. Sullivan preparing for fisticuffs. Face the particular greyface you wish to short-circuit, or towards the direction of the negative Aneristic vibration that you wish to neutralize. Begin waving your arms in any elaborate manner and make motions with your hands as though you were Mandrake feeling up a sexy giantess. Chant, loudly and clearly:

GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

The results will be instantly apparent.

-65-

A PRIMER FOR ERISIAN EVANGELISTS by Lord Omar

THE SOCRATIC APPROACH is most successful when confronting the ignorant. The "socratic approach" is what you call starting an argument by asking questions. You approach the innocent and simply ask, "Did you know that God's name is ERIS, and that He is a girl?" If he answers "Yes," then he is probably a fellow Erisian and so you can forget it. If he says "No," then quickly proceed to:

THE BLIND ASSERTION and say, "Well, He _is_ a girl, and His name is ERIS!" Shrewdly observe if the subject is convinced. If he is, swear him into the Legion of Dynamic Discord before he changes his mind. If he does not appear convinced, then proceed to:

THE FAITH BIT: "But you must have faith! All is lost without faith! I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith." And then add:

THE ARGUMENT BY FEAR and in an ominous voice ask, "Do you know what happens to those who deny Goddess?" If he hesitates, don't tell him that he will surely be reincarnated as a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud (which would be a mean thing to say), just shake your head sadly, and, while wiping a tear from your eye, go to:

THE FIRST CLAUSE PLOY wherein you point to all of the discord and confusion in the world and exclaim, "Well, who the hell do you think did all of this, wise guy?" If he says, "Nobody, just impersonal forces," then quickly respond with:

THE ARGUMENT BY SEMANTICAL GYMNASTICS and say that he is absolutely right, and that those impersonal forces are female and that Her name is ERIS. If he, wonder of wonders, still remain obstinate, then finally resort to:

THE FIGURATIVE SYMBOLISM DODGE and confide that sophisticated people like himself recognize that Eris is a Figurative Symbol for an Ineffable Metaphysical Reality and that The Erisian Movement is really more like a poem than like a science and that he is liable to be turned into a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in The Region of Thud if he does not get hip. Then put him on your mailing list.

-66-

[Illustration: a hand extended out of a pool of water, making the "V" sign] SINK: A GAME by Ala Hera, E.L., N.S.; Rayville Apple Panthers

SINK is played by Discordians and people of much ilk.

PURPOSE: To sink an object or a thing . . . in water or mud or anything you can sink something in.

RULES: Sinking is allowed in any manner. To date, ten pound chunks of mud were used to sink a tobacco can. It is preferable to have a pit of water or a hole to drop things in. But rivers, bays, gulfs -- I dare say even oceans -- can be used.

TURNS are taken thusly: whomsoever gets the junk up and in the air first.

DUTY: It shall be the duty of all persons playing SINK to help find more objects to sink, once one object is sunk.

UPON SINKING: The sinked shall yell, "I sank it!" or something equally as thoughtful.

NAMING OF OBJECTS is sometimes desirable. The object is named by the finder of such object and whoever sinks it can say, for instance, "I sunk Columbus, Ohio."

"In a way, we're kind of a Peace Corps." -- Maj. A. Lincoln German, Training Director of the Green Beret Special Warfare School, Ft. Bragg, N.C.

-67-

A JOINT EFFORT OF THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY Post Office Liberation Front EXPORT LICENSE NOT REQUIRED THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER.

WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTY-FIVE DAYS YOU WILL RECEIVE FIFTY-FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS OF CHAINS! In the meantime -- plant your seeds.

If a lot of people who receive this letter plant a few seeds and a lot of people receive this letter, then a lot of seeds will get planted. Plant your seeds.

In parks. On lots. In public flower beds. In remote places. At City Hall. Wherever -- whenever. Or start a plantation in your closet (but best read up on that beforehand). For casual planting, it's best to soak them in water for a day and plant in a bunch of about five (5), about half-an-inch deep. Don't worry much about the weather, as they know when the weather is wrong and will try to wait for nature. Don't soak them if it's wintertime. Seeds are a very hearty form of life and strongly desire to grown and flourish. But some of them need people's help to get started. So plant your seeds.

Make a few copies of this letter (five would be nice), and send them to friends of yours. Try to mail to different cities and states, or even different countries. If you would rather not, then please pass this copy on to someone and perhaps they would like to.

THERE IS NO TRUTH to the legend that if you throw away a chain letter then all sorts of catastrophic, abominable, and outrageous disasters will happen. Except, of course, from your seed's point-of-view.

-68-

Q. "How come a woodpecker doesn't bash its brains out?" A. Nobody has ever explained that.

AVATARS Erisian Eristic Aneristic Misc. 5th Column +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ | 1A | 1B | 1C | 1D | 1E | Exploded M +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ U | 2A | 2B | 2C | 2D | 2E | Expanded N +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ D | 3A | 3B | 3C | 3D | 3E | Conscientious A +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ N | 4A | 4B | 4C | 4D | 4E | Conscious E +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ | 5A | 5B | 5C | 5D | 5E | Unconscious +-------+-------+---------+-----+----------+ H O +---+ [Illustration: a girl in a dress; L | | on the dress is written "Mary Jane." Y +---+ Next to the girl is a plant, which is quite clearly cannabis. Underneath them both is a palm pressed downward: above the palm is the word KEEP and beneath are the words PRICES DOWN.]

"And God said, Behold, I have given you ever herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth...to you it shall be for meat." -- Genesis 1:29

-69- Questions Have a friend class talk. Permit each child to tell any part of the unit on "Courtesy in the Corridors and on the Stairs" that he enjoyed. Name some cases of disturbance in your school.

EXECUTED

Chapter 1, THE EPISTLE TO THE PARANOIDS by Lord Omar

1. Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear - and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM!

2. Ye have case out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone.

3. All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye wax sore afraid of dark corners, nooks, and sink holes.

4. O how the darknesses do crowd up, one against the other in ye hearts! What fear ye more than what ye have wroughten?

5. Verily, verily I say unto you, not all the Sinister Ministers of the Bavarian Illuminati, working together in multitudes, could so entwine the land with tribulation as have your baseless warnings.

DESPITE strong evidence to the contrary, persistent rumor has it that it was Mr. Momomoto's brother who swallowed Mr. Momomoto in the summer of '44.

-70-

Advertisement

BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI Founded by Hassan i Sabbah, 1090 A.D. (3090 A.L., 4850 A.M.) Reformed by Adam Weishaupt, 1776 A.D. (5776 A.D., 5536 A.M.)

THE ANCIENT ILLUMINATED SEERS OF BAVARIA invite YOU to join The World's Oldest and Most Successful Conspiracy

Have you ever SECRETLY WONDERED WHY the GREAT PYRAMID has FIVE sides (counting the bottom)? IS there an ESOTERIC ALLEGORY con- cealed in the apparently innocent legend of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? WHAT IS the TRUE secret SINISTER REALITY lyind behind the ANCIENT Aztec Legend of QUETZLCOATL? WHY do scholarly anthropologists TURN PALEA with terror at the very MENTION of the FORBIDDEN name YOG-SOTHOTH WHO IS the MAN in ZURICH that some SWEAR is LEE HARVEY OSWALD? WHAT REALLY DID HAPPEN TO AMBROSE BIERCE?

If your I.Q. is over 150, and you have $3 125.00 (plus handling), you _might_ be eligible for a trial membership in the A.I.S.B. If you think you qualify, put the money in a cigar box and bury it in your backyard. One of our Underground Agents will contact you shortly.

I DARE YOU!

TELL _NO_ ONE! ACCIDENTS HAVE A STRANGE WAY OF HAPPENING TO PEOPLE WHO TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI!

May we warn you against imitations! Ours is the original and genuine

"Nothing is true. Everything is permissible" -- Hassan i Sabbah

Nil Carborundum Illegitimo

OFFICIAL "Illuminate the opposition!" Bavarian Illuminati -- Adam Weishaupt, "Ewige Blumenkraft!" Grand Primus Illuminatus

-71-

INTER-OFFICE PRIVATE WIRE SENT

THE ANCIENT ILLUMINATED SEERS OF BAVARIA -- VIGILANCE LODGE Mad Mailk, Hauptscheissmeister; Resident for Norton Cabal

DISCORDIAN SOCIETY SUPER SECRET CRYPTOGRAPHIC CYPHER CODE

Of possible interest to all Discordians, this information is herewith released from the vaults of A.I.S.B., under the auspices of Episkopos Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, K.N.S.

Sample message: HAIL ERIS

Conversion: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

STEP 1. Write out message (HAIL ERIS) and put all vowels at end (HLRSAIEI) STEP 2. Reverse order (IEIASRLH)( STEP 3. Convert to numbers (9-5-9-1-19-18-12-8) STEP 4. Put into numerical order (1-5-8-9-9-12-18-19) STEP 5. Convert back to letters (AEHIILRS)

This cryptographic cypher code is GUARANTEED TO BE 100% UNBREAKABLE.

BEWARE! THE PARANOIDS ARE WATCHING YOU!

-72-

Here is a letter from A.I.S.B. to POEE:

The World's Oldest and Most Successful Conspiracy

BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI Founded by Hassan i Sabbah, 1090 A.D. (3090 A.L., 4850 A.M.) Reformed by Adam Weishaupt, 1776 A.D. (5776 A.D., 5536 A.M.)

[ ] Official Business [X] Surreptitious Business

From: MAD MALIK, Hauptscheissmeister

Dear Brother Mal-2,

In response to your request for unclassified agitprop to be inserted in the new edition of _Principia,_ hope the following will be of use. And please stop bothering us with your incessant letters!

Episkopos Mordecai, Keeper of the Notary Sojac, informs me that you are welcome to reveal that our oldest extant records show us to have been fully established in Atlantis, circa 18 000 B.C., under Kull, the galley slave who ascended to the Throne of Valusia. Revived by Pelias of Koth, circa 10 000 B.C. Possible it was he who taught the inner teachings to Conan of Cimmeria after Conan because King of Aquilonia. First brought to the western hemisphere by Conan and taught to Mayan priesthood (Conan is Quetzlcoatl). That was 4 Ahua, 8 Cumhu, Mayn date. revived by Abdul Alhazrad in his infamous _Al Azif,_ circa 800 A.D. (_Al Azif_ translated into Latin by Olaus Wormius, 1132 A.D., as _The Necronomicon._) In 1090 A.D. was the founding of the Ismaelian Sect (Hashishim) by Hassan i Sabbah, with secret teachings based on Alhazred, Pelias, and Kull. Founding of the Illuminated Ones of Bavaria, by Adam Weishaupt, on May 1, 1776. He based it on the others. Weishaupt brought it to the United States during the period that he was impersonating George Washington; and it was he who was the Man in Black who gave the design for the Great Seal to Jeferson in the garden that night. The Illuminated tradition is now, of course, in the hands of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria (A.I.S.B.), headquartered here in the United States.

Our teachings are not, need I remind you, available for publication. No harm, though, in admitting that some of them can be found disguised in Joyce's _Finnegan's Wake,_ Burrough's _Nova Express,_ the King James translation of _The Holy Bible_ (though not the Latin or Hebrew), the _The Blue Book._ Not to speak of Ben Franklin's private papers (!), but we are still suppressing those.

Considering current developments -- you know the ones I speak of -- it has been decided to reveal a few more of our front organizations. Your publication is timely, so mention that in addition to the old fronts like the Masons, the Rothchild banks, and the Federal Reserve System, we now have significant control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (since Hoover died last year, but that is still secret), the Students for a Democratic Society, the Communist Party U.S.A., the American Anarchist Association, the John Dillinger Died For You Society and the Camp Fire Girls. It is still useful to continue the sham of the Birchers that we are seeking world domination; so do not reveal that political and economic control was generally complete several generations ago and that we are just playing with the world for a while until civilization advances sufficiently for phase five.

Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria -- The Discordian Society --

[Illustration: a hand reading MORE points to the next page] MALIK to Mal-2 pg. 2

In fact you might still push Vennard's _The Federal Reserve Hoax_: "Since the Babylonian Captivity there has existed a determined, behind-the-scenes, under-the-table, atheistic, satanic, anti-Christian force -- worshippers of Mammon -- whose undying purpose is world control through the control of Money. July 1, 1776 [correct that to May 1st -- Vennard can't get anything right] the Serpent raised its head in the underground secret society known as the Illuminati, founded by Adam Weishaupt. There is considerable documentary evidence to prove all revolutions, wars, depressions, strikes, and chaos stem from this source." Etc., etc. You know the stuff.

The general location of our U.S. HQ, incidentally, has been nearly exposed; and so we will be moving for the first time this century (what a drag!). If you want, you can reveal that it is located deep in the labyrinth of sewers beneath Dealy Plaza in Dallas, and is presided over by the Dealy Lama. Enclosed are some plans for several new potential locations. Please review and add any comments you feel pertinent, especially regarding the Eristic propensity of the Pentagon site.

Oh, and we have some good news for you, Brother Mal! You know that Zambian cybernetics genius who joined us? Well, he has secretly coordinated the FBI computers with the Zurich System and our theoreticians are in ecstasy over the new information coming out. Look, if you people out there can keep from blowing yourselves up for only two more generations, then we will finally have it. After 20 000 years, Kull's dream will be realized! We can hardly believe it. But the outcome is certain, given the time. Our grandchildren, Mal! If civilization makes it through this crisis, our grandchildren will live in a world of authentic freedom and authentic harmony and authentic satisfaction. I hope I'm alive to see it, Mal, success is in our grasp. Twenty thousand years...!

Ah, I get spaced just thinking about it. Good luck on the _Principia._ Ewige Blumenkraft! HAIL ERIS.

Love, MAD MALIK [A fingerprint follows]

-74-

THE GOLDEN SECRET

NONSENSE AS SALVATION

The human race will begin solving its problems on the day that it ceases taking itself so seriously.

To that end, POEE proposes the countergame of NONSENSE AS SALVATION. Salvation from an ugly and barbarous existence that is the result of taking order so seriously and so seriously fearing contrary orders and disorder, that GAMES are taken as more important than LIFE; rather than taking LIFE AS THE ART OF PLAYING GAMES.

To this end, we propose that man develop his innate love for disorder, and play with The Goddess Eris. And know that it is a joyful play, and that thereby CAN BE REVOKED THE CURSE OF GREYFACE.

If you can master nonsense as well as you have already learned to master sense, then each will expose the other for what it is: absurdity. From that moment of illumination, a man begins to be free regardless of his surroundings. He becomes free to play order games and change them at will. He becomes free to play disorder games just for the hell of it. He becomes free to play neither, or both. And as the master of his own games, he plays without fear, and therefore without frustration, and therefore with good will in his soul and love in his being.

And when men become free mankind will become free. May you be free of The Curse of Greyface. May the Goddess put twinkles in your eyes. May you have the knowledge of a sage, and the wisdom of a child. Hail Eris. T'AI --- --- --- --- --- --- -------- -------- --------

-75-

THUS ENDS _PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA_

This being the Fourth Edition, March 1970, San Francisco: a revision of the Third Edition of 500 copies, whomped together in Tampa, 1969; which revised the Second Edition of 100 copies from Los Angeles, 1969; which was a revision of _Principia Discordia, or How the West Was Lost,_ published in New Orleans in 1965 in five copies, which were mainly lost.

If you think the _Principia_ is just a ha-ha, then go read it again.

(K) ALL RIGHTS REVERSED -- REPRINT WHAT YOU LIKE

Published by POEE Head Temple -- San Francisco "ON THE FUTURE SITE OF BEAUTIFUL SAN ANDREAS CANYON"

Office of my high reverence [Illustration: the Golden Malaclypse the Younger, K.S.C. Apple of Discordia] OPOVIG -- High Priest, POEE

THE LAST WORD

The foregoing document was revealed to Mal-2 by the Goddess Herself through many consultations with Her within his pineal gland. It is guaranteed to be the Word of Goddess. However, it is only fair to state that Goddess doesn't always say the same thing to each listener, and that other Episkoposes are sometimes told quite different things in their Revelations, which are also the Word of Goddess. Consequently, if you prefer a Discordian Sect other than POEE, then none of these Truths are binding, and it is a rotten shame that you have read all the way down to the very last word. ANTI-ARISTOTELIAN LEAGUE LIBRARY

-)(-

DISCORDIAN SOCIETY Dedicated to an advanced understanding of the paraphysical manifestations of everyday chaos

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A LOPSIDED PINEAL GLAND?

Well, probably you do have one, and it's unfortunate because lopsided pineal glands have perverted the Free Spirit of Man, and subverted Life into a frustrating, unhappy and hopeless mess.

Fortunately, you have before you a pathway that will show you how to discover your salvation through ERIS, THE GODDESS OF CONFUSION. It will advise you how to balance your pineal gland and reach Spiritual Illumination. And it will teach you how to turn your miserable mess into a beautiful, joyful, and splendid one.

POEE is a bridge from PISCES to AQUARIUS

-)(-

SPECIAL AFTERWORD to the Loompanics Edition of _Principia Discordia_ G.H. Hill, San Francisco, 1979 All Rites Reversed (K) Reprint What You Like 26 November 1979

INTERVIEW WITH NORTON CABAL by Gypsie Skripto, Special Correspondent

It has been ten years since I met the mysterious Malaclypse the Younger. I was free lancing for the underground papers and went by POEE Head Temple at 555 Battery Street to try for an interview.

I found him in the Temple P.O. Box busy wrapping up the new Fourth Edition of _Principia._ He seemed impatient with me, insisting that he didn't have the time or inclination for foolish questions from reporters. Undaunted, I burst out with questions like whether he preferred Panama Red or Acapulco Gold and how the fuck did we manage to fit inside of a tiny post office box and other things a propos a naive young semiliterate dropout hippy writer. He asked me if I wanted to drop mescaline and fuck all night and said he knew how to turn himself into a unicorn and there might be room for a tiny interview on the cover of the _Principia_ if I wanted to work for the _Greater Poop_ so I said sure, okay, I've never dropped mescaline in a post office box before.

It turned out I was among the last to see Malaclypse. As subsequent issues of _Greater Poop_ revealed, he was to disappear and POEE business was to be assumed by his students at Norton Cabal. Professor Ignotum P. Ignotius, Department of Comparative Realities, was assigned the Trust of the POEE Scruple and Rev. Dr. Occupant became Keeper of the Box. The newly published copies of _Principia_ were distributed by Mad Malik, Block Disorganizer, who had distribution contacts with the Aluminum Bavariati. Practical relations remained in the hands of concept artist G. Hill.

When the 1,000 _Prinicipias_ were gone the _Greater Poop_ stopped publishing, Head Temple closed down and the Cabal just seemed to evaporate. Finallly even the box was closed. But over the years I noticed that copies were still circulating, and that independent Discordian Cabals would occasionally pop out of nowhere (and still do). And I would wonder what ever happened to Malaclypse.

When I read the _Illuminatus_ trilogy I resolved to again find and interview the denizens of Joshua Norton Cabal of the Discordian Society.

* * *

As I cabled over Nob to San Francisco's Station 'O' Post Office I couldn't help but wonder at Goddess' hand in assigning street addresses to Her outposts. Mal-2 had told me that Good Lord Omar always filed everything under "O" for "Out of file."

"Maya is marvelous" I was thinking when I rapped on the little metal door and was greeted warmly by a huge beard who introduced himself as Proessor Ignotus. He ushered me into a spacious would paneled and tapestry hung parlor where three others were laughing and passing around a wine jug. The sunny one in a tunic was the Reverend Doctor Occupant, the trim khaki and jeans was Mad Malik and the wine jug claimed to be Hill. I got the recorder on....

GYPSIE SKRIPTO [in response to a question]: ...1969 but only briefly. I guess I missed you guys.

MAD MALIK: No wonder, he was pretty much a one man show then. We were just his students and were usually off on errands. You worked for the _Poop?_

Gypsie: Well, for one night anyway. The inteview is in the _Principia._

REV. DR. OCCUPANT: Malik was the only one he would ever let write for the _Poop_ or get on the letterhead.

Gypsie: Did you [Malik] have higher authority than the others?

Malik: No, [but I was allowed to speak to the _Poop_] because [Malaclypse the Younger] hated politics. He was infuriated with Johnson and Nixon over Viet Nam because it was turning the renaissance into a political revolution and was stealing his sacred thunder. So he trained me in Zenarchy, which he learned from Omar, and I was the official anarcho-pacifist for the Cabal. Also I was liaison to The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, the Chicago Discordians. Later Omar activated the Hung Mung Cong Tong and ELF, on zenarchist principles, and also Operation Mindfuck. I was also into those. Though at that time I was masquerading in _Greater Poop_ as a cremated cabbage to throw off the FBI.

Gypsie [to Hill]: Since you wrote it, I take it you are an anarchist?

G.H. HILL: Since then I have given up anarchy. Too many rules -- hating the government and all that stuff.

IGNOTUM PER IGNOTIUS: It's like hating your own fantasies.

Malik: [Anarchy] is also standing ujp and proceeding forward, fantasy rule or not. The condition is the same.

Occupant: Brother needs some wine!

Malik: We have had this argument before, Reverend Doctor Brother. But wine before platitudes, fill it up.

Gypsie [to Hill]: And pacifism?

Hill: I'm not sure I ever was one. Mal-2 was not, Malik was. Personally I accepted self defense yet I could never reconcile that with the ideal. I finally gave up on that one too. Actually I just gave up on idealism.

Ignotius: Idealism lives with rules. Realism lives with rocks.

Hill: Yeah. I get along better with rocks.

Malik: Mal-2 once told me that pacifism was a dilemma. If everybody was a pacifist then everything would be perfect. But nobody is going to be a pacifist unless I am first. But if I am and somebody else is not, then I get screwed. He said that there were five choices under that circumstance. The first was napalming farmers and the second was executing your parents. The third was hypocrisy, the fourth was cowardice, and the fifth was to swallow the dilemma. Zenarchist are trained in dilemma swallowing.

Occupant: So are other Erisians, like POEE.

Ignotius: That is characteristic of the Discordian perspective.

Hill: But of course training contradicts Discordian principles.

Malik: Oh so what. Contradictions are nothing to Discordians.

Occupant: Dilemma, Schlimemma. [to Gypsie] What do _you_ think of this, pretty ma'am? We don't get to hear your thoughts.

Gypsie: I'm reporting now, you talk.

Occupant: Later then?

Gypsie: Perhaps. Later.

Occupant: You are smiling.

Gypsie: Hey, guy, later. [to Hill] Doesn't this leave you a little schizy?

Hill: It's okay, I'm half Gemini.

Gypsie: What's the other half?

Hill: Taurus. That makes me stubborn schizy.

Ignotius: I'm a Whale.

Occupant: I choose Satyr.

Malik: Spirits don't have signs.

Hill: A character can have a sign if I want it so.

Occupant: Well I can have a sign if _I_ want to and screw both of you.

Malik: Come on Greg, you just think that we are your characters....

Occupant: You were inhabited by Malaclypse the Younger. He caused you to create roles and those roles are being performed by us spirits.

Ignotius: A perfectly normal pagan relationship.

Hill: Well you can look at it like that if you want to, but I created Mal-2 to my specifications just as I conceived all the rest of you.

Occupant: You didn't invent Eris. She _caused_ you to think you created the spirit of Malaclypse.

Hill: Oh bull! Besides, I changed her so much the Greeks would never recognize her.

Occupant: That's what She wanted!

Ignotius: Deities change things around all the time.

Malik: What you don't realize is that a spirit has a self identity.

Hill: Nope. A spirit is a product of definition and the one who is doing the defining around here is me. Your identity is what I say it is. Just to prove it, I'm going to change your name.

SINISTER DEXTER: It's okay with me. Fate is fate. I never much liked "Mad Malik" anyway.

Ignotius: Besides people confused him with joe Malik in _Illuminatus._

Dexter: I sort of enjoyed the confusion part.

Occupant: Doesn't prove anything anyway.

Gypsie: That name sounds familiar. Where is it from?

Hill: It's a name I came up with in the old days and never used much. It's on page 38 of the _Principia_ referring to Vice President Spiro Agnew. I always thought I invented it but now it sounds like a Stan Freberg name now that I think about it. It may have stuck in my preconscious memory from early TV.

Gypsie: Can you use it without his permission?

Hill: If it is his? I don't know. I hope so. It means "left right" in Latin and is a perfect name for libertarian anarchist. Actually in my kind of art the question of what can I use freely and what can I not is a very tricky problem.

Gypsie: How do you mean?

Hill: Well, take a collage for example. Like the early one on page 36 of the _Principia._ Each little piece was extracted from some larger work created by some other artist and published and maybe copyrighted. I find them in newspapers and magazines mostly. Often from ads. With a collage you select and extract from your environment and then assemble into an original relationship.

The _Principia_ itself is a collage. A conceptual collage. All of it happens simultaneously. But visually it is a montage, passing through time, like a book does.

There is a lot of pirated stuff in the _Principia,_ especially in the margins. But also I sympathize with artists who must own and sell their works to earn a living. Art, like knowledge, should be free fodder for everyone. But it isn't. It is perplexing.

Gypsie: Where did all the things in _Principia_ come from?

Hill: Well, a full answer would take a whole book in itself. Most of the writing credited to a name is a true person and almost always a different name means a different person. Most of the non-credited, you know, Malaclypse, text is mine although some things credited to either Mal-2 or Omar were actually co-written and passed back and forth and rewritten by each of us. The marginalia, dingbats and pasted in titles and heads and things came from wherever I found them -- some of which is original but uncredited Discordian output, like the page head on 12 and other pages which is from a series of satiric memo pads from Our Peoples Underworld Cabal. All page layout is mine and some whole graphics like the Sacred Chao and the Hodge Podge Transforme are mine but mostly I just found stuff and integrated it. Mostly I did concept, say 50% of the writing, 10% of the graphics, all of the layout.

Gypsie: Specifically, what are some of the sources?

Hill: Well, the poem on the front cover is by Walt Kelly and was spoken by one of his characters in _Pogo._ The government seals starting on page 1 are from a book of sample seals fro the U.S. Government Printing Office. Western Union on page 6 got into the act because I used to be a teletype operator and had access to blank forms. Rubber stamps came from all over the place and some, like the apple on page 27, I carved myself. A few I ordered to my specification, like on page 1. The quote on top of page 8 might be from Barnum, I'm not sure. The jumping man on page 12 is from an advertisement. I recognize the style -- a popular commercial artist -- but I don't know his name. The Chinese on that page is a grocery ad, I think. The Norton money on page 14 is historic, plus my little additions. The apple on page 17, as well as the triangle on 23 and the Sacred Chao on 50 are, believe it or not, pasteups from _mimeographs,_ from Seattle Cabal. That group produces the best damn mimeography I've ever seen. The Lick Here Box on page 23 is one of many tidbits making the rounds in alternative/underground newspapers these days. Trip 5 page header on 29 was a chapter title in one of Tim Leary's books. The Knight on the bull with the TV antenna on his helmet on page 46 came from a very artistic magazine called _Horseshit_ and put out by two brothers from Long Beach. I don't remember their names. Wonderful magazine.

Occupant: Eris told Mal-2 what to use and where to find it.

Hill: Yeah, in a way that is right. That is why my name does not appear anywhere on the _Principia_ and why it wa spublished with a broken copyright -- Reprint What You Like. I knew I was taking liberties and didn't want my intentions to be misunderstood. It was an experiment and was intended to be an underground work that involves a different set of ethics than commercial work.

Gypsie: There are no real names at all?

Hill: Oh, some. Camden Benares is a real name because he legally changed his original name to his Holy Name. Also, instead of using Mordecai Malignatus I used Bob Wilson's real name on page 12 because _Werewolf Bridge_ was a work before Discordianism. And of course real people like Neils Bohr crop up in quotes.

Gypsie: What do you think about the _Principia_ now? Would you want to change it?

Hill: I consider it a successful work and I wouldn't want to change it. In some ways it is immature and I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, but it accomplished the objectives I set for myself and it has trhe effect I want it to have. There are a few errors though.

Gypsie: Like what?

Hill: Oh, I changed a quote from Tom Gnostic on page 61 and I don't think he ever did forgive me for it. He's righ. Starbuck's Pebbles should have been preceded by the Myth of Starbuck which was being saved for something else and never got used. I should have used it when I had the chance. And then Eris did a neat little trick on me by having IBM make the Greek selectric typewriter element not coincide with all the characters on their keyboard. So the little "kallisti" that first appears on the title page and lastly on the back cover came out "kallixti" and I was too dumb to know the difference.

Gypsie: Will there ever be a Fifth Edition?

Hill: There already is a Fifth Edition, by Mal-2. It is a one page telegram that reduces everything to an infinite aum. I found it at Western Union where a machine got stuck and kicked out hundreds of pages of nothing but M's. He made it the Fifth Edition and then left.

Principia/Malaclypse was a very personal work for me and actually took 10 years to culminate. It was one single statement that included my adolescence in the 50's and my young adulthood in the 60's. When I finally had the pasteups done I knew that I had finished it. That is why, quote, Malaclypse left. I knew it was finished. I didn't know exactly what it was, but it was done?

Occupant: See?

Gypsie: Earlier you said that you met your objectives. Just what were those objectives?

Hill: Well, that's hard to answer because it kept refining itself over the years. In 1969 I mainly thought of myself as a cosmic clown and I set out to prove, by demonstration, that a deity can be anything at all.

In other words, people invent gods and not the other way around. Later I decided that I was doing some kind of conceptual art.

In the 50's my culture taught me that I was created by and for a deity, a specific male deity, and that all other deities are FALSE. Yet my growing experience showed me that any deity is true in some sense and false in some other sense. So I set out to do what my society told me is impossible -- make a real religion from a patently absurd deity.

In the 50's a female deity was blasphemy. In the 70's a humorous deity is still considered impossible, ridiculous and blasphemous. Eris is a real deity and even though I don't promote Erisianism as a serious religion....

Occupant: I do!

Dexter: You speak for yourself.

Ignotius: Here, here.

Hill: ...I do point out that it makes just as much sense from its own perspective as all the others do from each of their own perspectives.

Occupant: I think paganism is a valid spiritual path. I encourage Erisianism because it makes fun of itself. I think this is healthy.

Ignotius: If you can live rewardingly with Goddess Eris you can live with any deity, including none at all.

Dexter: I don't much go for the worship business but I agree with Occupant about the spirit of the thing. We live in a time of turmoil, the whole planet is in a state of change. If we, as a species, cower from the confusion then we die with the dying. This is revolution.

Ignotius: I am an atheist myself. There is no Greg Hill.

[laughter]

Gypsie [to Hill]: What do you think of _Illuminatus?_

Hill: Oh, I love it. I was finishing _Principia_ when Shea and Wilson were working on _Illuminatus._ It took Dell five years to publish it...maybe that is significant. The 1969 Discordian Society was a mail network between independent writers of various kinds. Norton Cabal was just me and my characters and I used the other cabals as a sort of laboratory. In return other Discordians would bounce their stuff off of me. We would toss in ideas and anybody could take anything out. It was a concept stew. The exchanging of ideas and techniques broadened and encouraged all of us.

I like _Illuminatus_ for the surrealism. A very effective method of writing.

Ignotius: I got misquoted. Worse, I wasn't even in that scene and if I had been then I would have said something else.

Dexter [to Ignotius]: That was me in that scene.

Ignotius: Oh, is that what it was?

Dexter: He got our names mixed up.

Hill: He got mixed up about me, too, in _Cosmic Trigger._ BOb says that when Oswald was buying the assassination rifle, my girlfriend was printing the first edition of _Principia_ on Jim Garrison's Xerox. It wasn't my girlfriend, it was Kerry's; it wasn't the _First Ed Principia,_ it was some earlier Discordian thoughts; it wasn't Garrison's Xerox, it was his mimeograph; and it wasn't just before Kennedy was shot but a couple of years before that.*

The _First Ed Principia,_ by the way, was reproduced at Xerox Corp. when xerography was a new technology. Which was my second New Orleans trip in 1965. I worked for a guy on Bourbon Street who was a Xerox salesman by day.

Dexter: I think that George Dorn took too much guff from Hagbard. If someone pulls a weapon on me, I'm more inclined to either leave or kill the sonofabitch.

Occupant: You are supposed to be a pacifist.

Dexter: I'm speaking figuratively of course. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

Gypsie [to Hill]: Did you really translate erotic Etruscan poetry?

Hill: Sure, but I used a pen name. I signed it "Robert Anton Wilson."

[a quick rap is heard on the door]

Gypsie: I have only one question left...

Dexter: I'll get it.

Gypsie: ...what I really want to know is how can we all fit inside of a tiny little post office box?

Dexter [to Gypsie]: It's a telegram for you, from Mal-2.

Gypsie: To me?

[paper tearing]

Gyspie [reading]: "If I told everybody how they could live inside of a post office box then everybody would stop paying landlords and go live inside their post office boxes. It would collapse the building! Can you _imagine,_ post offices collapsing all over the country, the hemisphere, the PLANET! The whole world's communication system would be destroyed. No, no, I must not say. I _dare_ not!"

# # #

---------- * I checked this further with Mr. Thornley. He says that the woman in question was not his girlfriend, she was just a friend, and it wasn't a couple of years before Kenedy was shot but had to be a couple of years after (but before Garrison investigated Thornley). -- GS

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FIFTH EDITION ODD# infinity

P R I N C I P I A D I S C O R D I A or A Catterpillar's Praise to the Butterfly

being the FINAL STATEMENT of Malaclypse the Younger

published by Joshua Norton Cabal San Francisco (K) All Rites Reversed

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