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Path: uuwest!control.spies.com!spies!sgiblab!munnari.oz.au!metro!socs.uts.edu.au!syzygy!axolotl From: axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au (Iain Sinclair) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: 26 of the best -- alt.tasteless '92 Message-ID: <axolotl.721621155@syzygy> Date: 13 Nov 92 02:19:15 GMT Sender: news@socs.uts.edu.au Reply-To: axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au Organization: University of Technology, Sydney Lines: 1014

Here's some articles from my alt.tasteless archives. For some reason I categorised them into: "anecdote", "prank", "tasteless fact", and "art" (includes original writing).

I deleted some stuff (indicated by [...]), for brevity (I don't have unlimited disk space). These are just some of the ones I liked personally. Your newsreader might be able to split this article as a digest.

Enjoy, and may the best man/woman/disfigured psuedohermaphrodite win!

From: bediger@isis.cs.du.edu (Bruce Ediger) Subject: The Trouble With Wimmen Date: Thu, 2 Jan 92 00:31:32 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

I just had dinner and a long talk with my ex-girlfriend, Kimberly. Apparently she has just had a very bad dating experience. Some guy that she found very attractive asked her out. That date went very well: the traditional good first date, according to her account. On the second date she decided that she would have sex with "attractive guy". Sometime during the Physical Act of Luv, she noticed that "attractive guy" had cleverly removed the condom he initially had on. Spurt-spurt-spurt, "attractive guy" comes in her.

Now she's all bent out of shape: she's not on the pill, so there's a fair to middling pregnancy chance. "Attractive guy" is quite promiscuous, and apparently bisexual, so she thinks that she might be getting AIDS.

So I asked her if I could fuck her in the butt, since it wouldn't matter anyway.

From: 2frjscabby@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Subject: 3 grossest sex stories Date: 20 Jan 92 17:52:16 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

A friend of mine once shared his three most disgusting sex stories with me.

[...]

2) It seems my friend was getting a head job in his dorm room. He came without warning in his "girlfriend's" mouth and she looked around for a place to spit it out. She grabbed a 7UP can off the desk and spit into it. A bit later (you probably see this coming) his roomate came back and went to finish his half-drank 7UP. Upon first drink, he immediatly puked come vomit all over the room.

3) My friend was mashing with a girl in a dark bedroom. He got her shirt off and maneuvered down to suck her tits. After sucking on her nipple for a minute he tasted some liquid in his mouth. Surpised, he flipped on the light. Turns out he wasn't sucking her nipple at all---IT WAS A BOIL!!!!

[...]

From: tgee@alfred.carleton.ca (Travis Gee) Subject: dick in urinal Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1992 05:39:22 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: prank

This from a buddy whose father was there... in a med school in the late 50's the following prank is reputed to have been 'pulled' (pun apparent later). After finishing up with their cadaver, several med students removed the dick and smuggled it out of the dissection room. Late that night, at the pub, one of the guys went into the men's room (which was quite busy) with the dick in his pocket. He went up to a free urinal and stood there a few moments. Suddenly he stepped back, and (dead dick in hand) made a ripping motion, said in a loud voice "THIS DAMN THING *NEVER* WORKS!!!" and hurled the fleshy bit into the urinal. Needless to say, the vomit flowed. Two decades later.......son of said doctor had his brain stolen (well, *his* cadaver's brain at the University of Western Ontario). I turned up two days later in the large salad bowl of the main cafeteria. It was apparently a lovely centerpiece, with some spoon-shaped bits missing when it was finally recognized as cortex rather than cauliflower.

From: isds22013010@memstvx1.memst.edu Subject: Emergency Room Date: 24 Apr 92 23:46:35 -0600 Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

This story was told to me by my girlfriend. It seems her sister used to work in the emergency room here in Memphis Tn. One night an elderly woman came in complaining of "woman" problems of some sort.

After they examined her, they found a twenty-ounce sweet potatoe complete with about six or seven feet worth of vines that had sprouted in her cunt. It was so foul and rotten that the doctors and nurses could hardly stand to remove it. (Sorry no GIFs...)

Another night, a wino came in because he was constipated. They gave him some laxative, and told him to wait for a couple of hours. The bum got tired of waiting and went into the bathroom and returned four or five minutes later covered in blood and shit. Evidently, he tried to remove his turd with a plastic hospital spoon.

Gosh, suddenly I'm hungry for sweet potatoe pie and maybe some choclate ice cream and ketchup....

Later... -J.D. (The Lynch Man)

From: rigler@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Otto Slugworth) Subject: Re: penises Date: 25 Apr 92 02:36:18 GMT Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

[...]

There are several documented cases of men coming to emergency rooms to have Barbie Dolls [tm] removed from their rectums. ('Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!--sorry). It seems they were inserted head first with the arms angled downwards (BIG MISTAKE!!!!).

All of these men claimed that their daughters had carelessly left the dolls in the bathtub and blah blah blah... ('Yeah, in the bathtub...that's the ticket...')

Next time I'll tell you all about men who insert glass rods up their urethras and accidentally break them.

BTW: I don't want anyone to get the impression that these topics are of any interest to me whatsoever. *Ugh* Disgusting! *shivver*

[...]

From: pet@mullian.ee.mu.OZ.AU (paul eng-yi tan) Subject: Killed Herself While Doing an Exam (true) Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1992 00:39:10 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

I heard a story from my friend's sister. It's supposed to be true. In the Geelong Grammar Yr 12 Accounting exam, one girl apparently couldn't take it any longer. She stuck the point of two pencils up her nostrils and slammed her face against the table, with all the examiners and other students looking on. Pretty gruesome eh?

[...]

From: skrishna@cocoa-pebbles.ai.mit.edu (Sarath Krishnaswamy) Subject: Biting the hand that feeds you Date: 17 Aug 92 16:59:21 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: anecdote

Just saw an article tacked to my girlfriend's bulletin board about a paraplegic who'd been hospitalized with "major foot injuries". Seemed he'd recently found a cute little stray puppy and, being a Sensitive Kind Of Guy, took the darling little thing into his home, where it would romp happily about his legs as he watched TV.

Unfortunately, it seemed that at some point the aforementioned C.L.S. puppy found an open sore on the guy's foot and started licking. And then started chowing down. Since said S.K.O. Guy was a paraplegic he of course had no idea what was going on until his wife "... saw blood on the puppy's nose, followed the trail to my bed, and freaked out." The bottom of his foot had been "...chewed down to the bone, from heel to toe."

Ain't puppies cute when they're little?

Sarath.

[...]

From: geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM (Geoff Miller) Subject: ]<ool Restroom Pranks Date: 17 Jan 92 18:49:36 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: prank

Speaking of ass-cheeks pressing together and making a fucking mess, check this out. You know how the urinals in public restrooms are usually located right next to the partitions for the shitter-stalls? And you know how the edges of these partitions are almost always an inch or two from the wall?

Well, here's whatcha do. Sometime when the end stall is occupied and you're taking a hellacious beer- or coffee-piss, turn to the side without warning and do a bank shot onto the wall behind the edge of the partition; the object is to try and hit the guy in the stall taking a dump. The resulting shouts of shock, fury and outrage would be priceless, so be sure to have an accom- plice standing nearby with a tape recorder if at all feasible.

Then calmly turn around and walk out. After all, what's the guy gonna do, run out of the restroom after you with his pants down around his ankles and the remnants of a prematurely-pinched loaf being spread out like creampuff filling between his awkwardly shuffling asscheeks and his dripping shlong flopping comically all over the place? Hell, no; you'll have it made.

[...]

From: darling@cellar.org (Thomas Darling) Subject: Fun things to do in XXX theatres Date: 8 Feb 92 14:12:15 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: prank

Perhaps some of our alt.tasteless readers who frequent porn theatres can share some of their techniques for terrorizing their fellow film-lovers.

The obvious one is a water pistol filled with Jergens hand lotion. People do NOT react well when they get a squirt from the row behind them.

Naturally, there are always the fraternity bonehead options involving urine and such, but we're going for finesse here.

[...]

From: dcm3c@fermi.clas.Virginia.EDU (David Cowan Meeker) Subject: Re: Wanted: dirty tricks Date: 29 Apr 92 16:50:28 GMT Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.tasteless Summary: prank

Have you heard of the quip, "Instant Asshole -- Just Add Alcohol ..."? I knew a guy like that. After about two drinks, this man turned into some kind of cross between Yosemite Sam and an angry bull gorilla.

But when it came right down to it, this boy was a Homophobe. We speculated repressed homoerotic urges that only surfaced in a symbolic fashion when he was real drunk.

Like one of his favorites. Sneaking up from behind on friends at keg parties. Grabbing their behinds, and doing pelvic thrusts into their butts while screaming at the top of his lungs. Preferably when that friend was trying to work some babe.

After a particularly vivacious night, three of his friends decided that he deserved a little remedial action.

About 2 a.m., he finally went back to his room to either recover from the booze or just die outright, like some wild animal. After waiting to make sure that he was suitably passed out, two of them started working on the lock of his door while the third adjourned to the bathroom to ready the second phase of the gag.

When, after much effort, the door fell unlocked, the two crept inside. Carefully and slowly, they pulled down his pants to his ankles and proceeded to hog-tie the boy with his own belt.

By this time, the third had arrived back from the bathroom. Holding a rubber newly filled with fresh, warm semen.

Gingerly, the intrepid trio pulled down his breifs and pried apart his butt cheeks. They then placed that soiled condom firmly between the halves and closed them so that the end was kind of stuck out and made their stealthy exit.

They all crept back off to their own rooms, confident of their success and making damn sure that their own doors were locked.

When they all awoke the next morning, they waited for the explosion. It NEVER CAME. They ate lunch with the guy that afternoon. Complaints of hangover, but NO MENTION. Nothing.

But consider:

If you thought that YOU had consented to a violent butt rape in you drunken stupor, would you tell YOUR friends?

I don't think that they ever did tell him the truth.

Scarred for life...

From: kevin@howdy.cc.columbia.edu (Kevin Harris) Subject: Re: need help w/jerk roommate Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1992 15:53:20 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: prank

Your ex-friend just might appreciate being placed on any (or all) of the following mailing lists.

kevin

-------------------- National Socialist Movement PO Box 42 Chillicothe, OH 45601

-------------------- Fusion Magazine (a LaRouche publication) Box 17149, Washington, DC 20041

-------------------- National Federation For Decency PO Drawer 2440 Tupelo MS, 38803

-------------------- Christian National Socialist White America Party Box 1133 Pacific Palisades,CA 90272

-------------------- Christians Awake PO Box 3513 West End Station Birmingham,AL 35211

-------------------- Christian Anti-Communist Crusade 227 E.Sixth St Box 890 Long Beach,CA 90801-0941

-------------------- and finally, one I *know* he'll love to hear from...

-------------------- Aryan Nations Church of Jesus Christ Christian Box 362 Hayden Lake,ID 83835

From: nesdoly@dvinci.USask.Ca (Mark Nesdoly) Subject: Rail guns and liquid nitrogen Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1992 16:33:42 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: prank

Every three years, the engineering student society here puts on a science & technology show for the general public. The latest was called Spectrum '92.

Submissions for displays are made by both graduate and undergraduate students, and if accepted, are granted some cash to set up the display.

One of the proposals was from a grad student, and this guy has demented sense of humor.

He proposed the following:

Build and set up a 25 kV rail gun, with a sharpened blade as the movable rail.

Situate the end of the gun over a gopher hole, and place a large vat of liquid nitrogen (flush with the ground) behind the gopher hole.

When the gopher sticks its head up, fire the gun. The blade will lop off the gopher's head, sending it into the vat of liquid nitrogen. The gopher's head may then be extracted with a set of forceps so that you can see the expression of the gopher's face just before it died.

He thought that since this is mainly a rural province, this project would relate to everyone in one way or another.

This was a REAL proposal.

[...]

From: Pat Cain <cain_p@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz> Subject: Two short newspaper articles Date: Fri, 07 Feb 92 12:29:42 Y Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

I found these last week in the 'World in Brief' section of our local newspaper here in Wellington, "The Dominion" (definitely not a tabloid newspaper). From the 'World in Brief' section...

RAPE REVIVES WOMAN A YOUNG Romanian woman, 18, whom doctors had declared to be clinically dead regained consciousness as she was being raped on a slab by a mortuary attendant, Bucharest press said yesterday. Her parents said they would not press charges because their "daughter owed her life to him".

(I wonder how many other bodies received similar treatment from him :-)

BABY'S TOES BITTEN OFF AN 11-year-old Denver girl left to babysit her three-week-old sister bit off two of the infant's toes and part of her ear. Doctors were unable to reattach the toes. The children's mother told police the older girl brought her the crying baby and one of the toes within minutes of being asked to watch the baby.

From: ustai@memstvx1.memst.edu Subject: Re: You want TASTELESS? - You got it. Date: 9 Mar 92 09:59:59 -0600 Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

[...]

Ripleys says that there was one beheaded chicken that lived for quite a bit. The owner fed it with a syringe. Charged an entry fee to see it too.

[...]

From: dipirro@star.dec.com (Steve DiPirro) Subject: Dr. Smiley-Face Date: 18 Mar 92 21:25:22 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

From USA Today, March 11, 1992

Top Burn Doctor Under New Probe

The chief of staff at one of the USA's most famous burn hospitals is under investigation again for using a surgical marker to draw "happy faces" on patients' body parts. Officials at the Shriners Burns Institute in Cincinnati said the state chapter of the American College of Surgeons will investigate Glenn Warden's drawings on the penises of two patients and on the upper abdomen of a woman.

...[other stuff deleted]...

In another incident last spring, Warden apologized to the staff and was suspended a week for placing his initials on the skull of a severely burned 9-month-old infant during surgery.

[...]

From: andyw@teal.csn.org (Andy Watson) Subject: Cultural Relativism Gone Too Far Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 06:32:03 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

I am told this day by a business associate recently returned from Indonesia that village women there publicly suckle babies at the breast, often with a *pig* [an actual farm animal] on the other tit. And if the woman has _two_ children to breastfeed, the pig gets priority, the logic being that a pig is more valuable to the woman and her family.

[...]

From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (Arthur Delano) Subject: Re: Head survival time after decapitation Date: 22 Apr 92 22:34:55 GMT Newsgroups: alt.folklore.science,alt.religion.kibology,alt.tastless Summary: tasteless fact

from: A History of Brain, Head, and Body Transplants

1887 -- French scientists attach the heads of executed prisoners fresh from the guillotine onto the bodies of large dogs. The heads do not respond.

1912 -- Russian scientists kept a severed dog head alive for several hours with an artificial circulation machine. In later years, Russian scientist Fladimir Demikhov transplanted the front half of one dog onto the body of a German shepherd, a feat that Dr. White has called "beautiful, a tremendous accomplishment." The pain-crazed dog halves kept attacking each other and had to be killed. Dr. White had admitted doing many similar experiments (parabiosis).

1964 -- Dr. David Gilboe, University of Wisconsin, decapitated 15 dogs and kept the heads alive with mechanical pumps. By this time, Dr. White had removed the brains from many monkeys and kept them alive with machines. The brains exhibited electrical activity and absorbed oxygen and glucose, indicating they were alive. Dr. White claims there is no pain involved. Other medical experts have disagreed, since the pain and fear felt by the living brain can't be estimated, and the normal defense mechanism of "fainting" under stress by cutting the blood supply off is denied to the isolated brain by its attachment to circulating machines.

1965 -- Dr. White removed the brain of a dog and implanted it in the neck of another dog, where it remained alive for some period of time.

1970 -- Dr. White transplanted the entire head of one monkey onto the neck of another one, which lived for 24 hours.

1971 -- Dr. White begins to transplant the heads of monkeys onto the decapitated bodies of other monkeys, connecting the jugular and carotid arteries. The spinal cord cannot be connected, so the head and body are both paralyzed. The bodies/heads lived for up to two weeks.

1973 -- Dr. White drained the blood from a tiny monkey, refrigerated the head for an hour, then pumped the blood back in. According to medical expert Hans Reusch, this little creature existed in great pain afterward. Dr. White has said that the pain and suffering of lab animals used in experiments have no relevance.

1980 -- White's appearance on European TV, doing experiments on an injured, terrified, restrained small monkey causes an uproar among viewers.

1977,1984 -- Dr. White declares himself ready to transplant human heads.

in: XYY Magazine, Standard X Press, 82 Kimball Ave., Yonkers, NY 10704 required reading

AjD ...because the Disumbrationist Institute cares.

From: mokry@kickapoo.ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry) Subject: Dungeons & Torture Date: Sat, 11 Jul 1992 07:28:42 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

The following is from _Born_in_Blood:_The_Lost_Secrets_of_Freemasonry_ by John J. Robinson (published by M.Evans & Company / New York). Reproduced without permission.

[...]

With few or no sanitary provisions, and no air circulation, the stench would be almost three-dimensional. In purpose-built dungeons, a drain was provided for the urine, excrement, vomit, and blood. This gave the French the opportunity to develop a Gallic refinement called the "oubliette." The oubliette was a small pit or chamber just beneath the heavy iron sewer-drain cover in the floor. Into this chamber was put any prisoner who was unusually unruly, incorrigible, or destined for particular degradation. With a cell too small (and too deep) to lie in, the wretched man had to sit or kneel in the half-full drain pit, which was constantly replenished by the filth of his fellow prisoners.

[...]

So many members and servants of the Templars were arrested in France that they had to be distributed to dozens of locations, many of which had not been designed as prisons. This must have placed a strain on the number of complex instruments of torture available, so that some improvisations were called for, the simplest of which were charcoal fires and hot irons. Since friars and priests were generally forbidden to spill blood, a number of devices had been developed to enable them to convey exquisite agony without breaking the skin. One of these was a device with two iron bands, widely spaced behind the calf, and a screw that was turned to apply pressure at the front between the braces, breaking the shinbone. A common and easily rigged device was a box frame around the leg. Boards were placed between the frame and the leg and wedges driven between them with mallets. By this means, deliberate local pressure could be applied to break the bones of the foot, the ankle, the knee, and the legbones between.

The hot iron might be applied anywhere on the body, including the genitals, and sometimes was used in the form of pincers, to nip away pieces of flesh with the red-hot jaws automatically sealing and cauterizing the wounds. Cold pincers were used to pull out the fingernails and teeth of some of the Templars, with tooth sockets probed to add to the pain.

[...]

From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman) Subject: Re: I fell down in my shower (was Re: sick lyrics) Date: 21 Sep 92 06:28:02 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

Man appears at the ER of a large hospital, wearing an overcoat, and holding a bag in front of him. Doctor eventually coaxes him to drop to bag, to reveal a two-day old cat corpse impaled on this guy's schlong. Apparrently, the cat died while he was grunting into it, and went all hard around his knob. As anyone who has been in this situation will know, it's impossible to lose your erection when this happens.

Anyway, this guy wasn't brave enough to cut away the corpse, and the only reason he was at the hospital was that Fluffy was starting to *smell*.

From: weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu (Matthew P Wiener) Subject: Ferret Legging Date: 4 Nov 92 19:56:48 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: tasteless fact

The Nov 92 HARPER'S, contains an excerpt of a Feb/Mar 83 OUTSIDE article, now being republished in OUT OF THE NOOSPERE. It's about the "sport" of ferret legging, which consists of sticking two hungry ferrets down your pants legs, and seeing how long you last. No underwear, no jackstrop. The ankles are tied shut. Your belt is pulled tight. The pants should be loose enough that the animals can change legs. No filing of teeth. You and the ferrets must be sober. You are allowed to try, from outside the pants, to knock the ferret off of whatever it has grabbed onto.

As of 1972, the world record was 40 seconds. The 60 second mark was broken a few years later. The current [83] record? 5 hours, 26 minutes, by one Reg Mellor, aged 72, of Yorkshire. A small excerpt of the excerpt:

"Come on, Reg," I said. "Do they bite your--you know?"

"Do they!" he thundered with irritation as he pulled up his pants. "Why, I've had 'em hangin' from me tool for hours an' hours an' hours! Two at a time--one on each side. I been swelled up big as that!" Reg pointed to a five-pound can of instant coffee.

Anyway, it's certainly recommended reading, as is page 25. -- -Matthew P Wiener (weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu)

From: rl103465@cs.tut.fi (Rauli Lauhanen OH1MKS) Subject: Finnish TV-policy ( Was: blood and guts ) Date: 5 Feb 92 20:34:45 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: art

[...]

Say that Again !!! Just last Sunday I watched One serie from Telly ( Channel 2 , national network of Finnish goverment - Not Cable-Tv..) It was called "Hero" , and It was a story of a young boy. This program was produced by "Children & youth's TV Department", and according to program info, it was aimed for children.

Tasteless things happened:

One Group Of terrorist attack, while President is Opening New bridge. A security-man kills shoot them with Submachine gun, and finally Kill's them one by one, By SHOOTING TO THEIR NECK with a revolver - beautiful close-ups

President Get arrested

That boy - Hero was kissing his girlfriend, and clutching her breast, when he syas "AUTCH !! your tit bite me !!!" Girl took one Gerbil ( This film didn't feature Richard Gere ! ) from under her shirt, and tells that "This is my Gerbil, Max. I used to have another one, called Moriz, Ya know - Max and Moriz, But I had to give Her away, because these two rascals were always fucking under my shirt, and made a terrible mess every time....."

as told - this program was aimed for kids !!

Also things worth mentioning from Finnish TV and Film-policy:

On 9-o-clock news, a lil time ago there was a shot of a Finnish Video-artist "Teemu M{ki" . One of his "Masterpieces" were shown: 5 min extract of how this guy was torturing a cat to death, while simultaneusly wanking. Of course these Born-again-beleivers with no balls and friends were not friends of good entertaiment, so they had blanked one corner of screen, and added a text into that space, saying: "The Artist is masturbating..." Wheeee !!! In the interwiew he said, that this film was filmed "To show the evilness of the world" Teemu M{ki has also filmed several other "Art-films" - like one where one dynamic Youppie is talking in Cellular-phone - simultaneusly holding hie foot at the Bumber of BMW, suddendly gets his clothes of, and starts FUCKING - Yes, Fucking His BMW, by sticking his cock into BMW's exhaust-pipe ( Or should I say - Sexhaust-pipe..) , and moans - start wanking, and shoots his cum over the car. beutiful, poetic, and - Very authentic !!!!

Best thing is about to come. Even worried mothers phoned to YLE due that Cat-torturing, He received a big amount of money from TV- and Video board of Finnish Goverment, and Is still receiving. Well - Maybe they just think that He's an artist, worth economical help...

[...]

From: jeroen@cs.few.eur.nl (Jeroen Thur) Subject: Re: Grosser than gross Date: 27 Jan 92 20:53:41 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: art

Here in Holland, 2 men (Waardenburgh & de Jong) were spitting at each other in one of their theatre-shows. They began with spitting in the pocket of the opponent's shirt and every time they tried to get the most green big juicy goob they could produce and eventually they would be spitting in each other's face and after sucking the goob of their cheeks (very slowly) they would spit it right back.

It was not a show to watch with your best clothes on...

[...]

From: case@diku.dk (Steven Snedker) Subject: 3rd Copenhagen Film Festival Date: 15 Jun 92 10:34:27 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless,rec.arts.movies Summary: art

This saturday I had the pleasure of attending a part of the 3rd Copenhagen Film and Video festival. This annual festival was as usual dedicated to 'the subversive', and featured many fine films, that I definately would have seen had I not been an abused wage slave with too much work and too little fun etc. etc. Anyway, the films I managed to see were:

Mistress of the Rings (Steen Schapiro, Denmark 1992)

A fine documentary on piercing. We get to see all the piercings found in the Pierce FAQ. Highlights include a girl with 20 rings in the set of lips, she probably doesn't use when she's kissing her granny, a man with a septum piercing large enough for a finger to be thrusted through, a live nipple piercing (female, nice tits) and a live Prince Albert. Various accounts of male genital piercings had led me to believe that the amout of blood would be incredible, but although the needle was horribly large not much blood was oozing out the glans of the happy young punk. Nonetheless a lot of the assembled males groaned. I was a bit dissapointed that the film wasn't as exploitative as I had wished for. But at least the pierce shots were clear, and the sight of a big gleaming guiche can make anybody happy. ** (On a scale from * to ****)

Stigmata -The Transfigured Body (Leslie Asako Gladsjo, USA 1990)

More piercing stuff, this time a bit more exploitative. Dreary politically correct lesbo bodyart speeches with cuts to interesting piercings. The tape broke down halfway through the showing, so it never really got anywhere. **

Leeches and Fleeches (Barbara Thiel, Germany 198?)

Arty farty drag of people having fun with leeches. Also features the meaningless carving of wounds in the body. The footage of birds high on a mountain in the Alps doesn't give much in way of a clue. Lousy cinematography, shaky camera, rough editing and all the usual 'subversive' 'art' film tricks on both the visual and audio side doesn't really help at all. *

[...]

Bestiality -The Facts (Er, eh...American, around 1970..duh)

This 16mm gem, alledgely found in a N.Y. antique shop, has an authorative doctor (looking much like Sean Connery, btw) telling us about bestiality. He begins in ancient egypt and ends up with Kinsey figures saying that 1 out of every 3.5 person has had a sexual experience with an animal. Then he proceeds to interview a girl that on a trip to Europe ended up in Morroco looking for cheap hash. Unfortunately she went out for a walk alone one night and was captured by evil swarty men, that made her a prostitute. She was promised to be set free if she made love to a dog, but she had seen another girl get her pussy torn apart by a retreating dog cock. These nasty africans would hit the dog hard with a stick, when it had entered the girl, making it pull out. Our heroine solved this problem by fellating the dog several times. It's quite a funny scene with the all excited and eagerly prying 'doctor' interviewing the girl on a sofa. He is in fact so excited that his trouser legs start to creep up his leg inevitably revealing a pair of sock suspenders. But the intelligent viewer of course knew that he wore such all along. The documentary then focusses a bit on the new (1968) danish pornography legislation, interviewing people on the streets of Copenhagen and the manager of Color Climax Corp., also then one of the biggest porn companies. And then we're ripe for the main attraction. An interview with BODIL! Appreciative grunts were heard throughout the hot theater. I'll try to the best of my ability to transcribe it, marred as my memory is after its meeting with unusual amounts of booze and 10-12 english hooligans after the show:

[...]

[Bodil doesn't speak english, so Svend has to translate both questions and answers. She is around 17, a beautiful young girl] S: And, Bodil, You make love to animals? B: Yes. S: When did you have your first erotic experience with an animal? B: When I was 12. S: What kind of animal was that? B: A dog. S: Do you make love with other types of animals? B: Oh, yes. I do pigs, horses and a bull. But the bull is now with some cows. S: What about men? B: I tried it once, but it wasn't really anything [I suppose that she must be referring to the logger story]. S: Not anything at all? B: No, I'd much rather be with my animals. S: When did you start doing movies. B: One year ago, 'Animal Orgy'. S: And will you continue to make films. B: Yes, I'd like to get enough money to buy my own farm. S: Is that your dream. B: Yes, the best I can think of is to have my own farm with all my animals around me.

[...]

From: nikolai@csource.oz.au (nikolai kingsley) Subject: Genesis P Orridge - my Hero! Date: Fri, 28 Aug 92 16:38:46 +1000 Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: art

COUM Transmissions

... are, or were, a performance art group that featured two of the founding members of Throbbing Gristle: Genesis P Orridge and Cosey Fanni Tutti. unlike certain performance artists - or at least, what most people consider performance artists to be like (i.e. laurie anderson), COUM were slightly different. Genesis recalls:

... I used to do things like stick severed chickens' heads over my penis, and then try and masturbate them, whilst pouring maggots over it... In Los Angeles, in 1976, at the Institute of Contemporary Arts (LAICA), Cosey and I did a performance where I was naked. I drank a bottle of whiskey and stood on a lot of tacks. And then I gave myself enemas with blood, milk and urine, and then broke wind so a jet of blood, milk and urine combined shot across the floor in front of Chris Burden and assorted visual artists. I then licked it off the floor, which was a not-clean concrete floor. Then I got a 10-inch nail and tried to swallow it, which made me vomit. Then I licked the vomit off the floor and Cosey helped me lick the vmoit off the floor. And she was naked and trying to sever her vagina to her navel - well, she cut it from her vagina to her navel with a razor blade, and she injected blood into her vagina which then trickled out, and we then sucked the blood from her vagina into a syringe and injected it into eggs painted black, which we then tried to eat. And we vomited again, which we used for enemas. Then I needed to urinate, so I urinated into a large glass bottle and drank it all while it was still warm. (This was all improvised). And then we gradually crawled to each other, licking the floor clean ('cause we don't like to leave a mess, y'know; after all, it's not fair to insult an art gallery). Chris Burden, who's known for being outrageous, walked out with his girlfriend, saying, `This is not art, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and these people are sick.'

[...]

From: jmmoelan@cs.vu.nl (Moelands JM) Subject: GOD LOVES AMERICA (BUT EVERYBODY ELSE HATES IT) Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:14:55 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: art

[...]

GOD LOVES AMERICA (BUT EVERYBODY ELSE HATES IT)

A huuuuge black nigger-dick pumping in a white slime-covered pussy... god, what a nightmare. I woke up and felt miserable. I threw away the My Little Pony-blanket, and immediately my juicy knobcancer- tumor splattered funny red liquids on the ceiling. It must be Splaturday I guessed. God, what a rotten life. I got up, leaving behind about .5 kg (1 lbs.) of skin. My psiorasis was getting worse and worse! God, what a way to start another rotten day. At that point I heard someone scratching on the door. I felt something emotional was gonna happen. Was my sister gonna give me her daily blow job? No, it's Gorefest II, my new German Shephard. He jumped in my room friskily, his tongue hanging out of his panting mouth, his eyes looking at me enchantedly. Yep, he's horny again. And so was I. At first I thought he was gonna jump right at me coz I expected that he couldn't wait to see my sperm encrusted pleasure pump. But no, he squatted in front of me and gazed longing at me, while he forced a tiny, soft turd out of his shithole. Yes! It's time for a Shit-Kiss (TM). I carefully took the stool between my lips and sucked it in till its warm wetness touched my tongue. I deeply inhaled the fresh aroma while my nose touched Gorefest's wet one. A tender moment. Then he opened his mouth and we started frenching. We played with his gift of love between our tongues. We enjoyed trading it back and forth between our mouths and shared the intense joy of slowly sucking on it whilst holding it between our lips and teeth. And so the canine gastro- intestinal product eventually melted away in our mouths. Hungrily I licked the last pieces of dogshit out of his facial hair, longing for more, but... "NO! I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, she's still young (6 years old), she's innocent and blind and gives fantastic head, and you know that, but... I just CAN'T say 'NO' to you coz I love you, I want you so much" I shouted. Not only did I make an absolute fool of myself now, but I also offended Gorefest II. I ran to the altar of Excretia, my godess (she's half lobster, half Barbara Bush, wears Mickey Mouse earrings, a pamper and has a giant colostomy bag) and started praying to her to find consolidation. But I knew she couldn't comfort me coz the only things she always gave me were orgasms, so I ran down the stairs and saw _his_ letter. Don't ask me why, but I immediately knew it was _his_. Yes, Erich Honecker had written me a love letter. Every time I had seen him on TV I felt one with him, and I knew he was feeling the same way too, I dunno, it must be some kind of telepatic bond. You know, we had so much in common: our liver-cancer, our miserable lifes, the fact that he spent a lot of time in prison and I spent a lot of time in the madhouse (so we were both victims of the system), all the people that didn't understand us, our mutual compulsion to kill and torture, the fact that Honny (that's how I called him) and I both aren't nazis (I'm a _neo_-nazi). I knew how much he had wanted to start a brand new life in Chile, together with his wife and daughter, to forget all his pain and misery and sorrow, but his former comrades wouldn't let him... just like... Yes! Yes! Yes! Now I knew what I had to do: to be reborn! To start a brand new life! And for that, I had to deal with my parents, who presented me with this hell called life. And a hell it was. A few hours before I was born, when the contractions really started to worry my mom, my father hooked her in tens of fish-hooks that were hanging from the ceiling of their bedroom. While my mom was still hanging in this mildly uncomfortable position, my father kicked the shit out of the big bulge on my mother's belly, screaming things like "Fat fat bitch you're too lazy even to give birth to your own child without any help from a hard working man" till I was thrown out of the uterus with the power of a dinosaur's ejaculation. After I was born, I was an anal virgin for about 3 seconds, coz my father instantaneously planted me on his rock-hard pulsating pleasure prodder that was lubricated with my birth fluids, winded my umbilical cord (which was still attached to both me and my mom) around me, and gave it a hard pull, so that the cord unrolled quickly and I started to rotate on his purple-headed warrior faster and faster till the cord wrapped me up the other was around. The expression on my face obviously turned him on, coz he pulled my umbilical cord again and again till he approached the point of climax. Then he wrapped it a few times around his neck till it obstructed his breathing, and then tighened it with one hand and shoved me up and down his blue-veined love snake with the other till he ejaculated chocking, on the edge of consciousness. (Talking about the height of strangle-sex...) That was the last climax he ever had, coz the thousand-fold intensification of his sexual delight caused by the lack of oxygen caused an arterial blood-explosion right in the lust-centre of his brain so till now he never woke up again from the coma in which he was in for almost 20 years now, in the basement.

[...] [goes on for quite a while :-)]

After what seemed an endless moment, I hit the ground. There I was. A little confused I looked around me and saw that the uterus had partly come out with me, inside out, and was sticking to my feet. I took my knife (that I still had clenched between my teeth all the time), took the womb and cut me loose from my mother in one stout stroke. Excitement overwhelmed me and I couldn't breath for a moment. Then I looked around at my own blood-covered nudity and started to cry and cry and cry. I was so happy. Now I was freed from I my sins, I could do anything I wanted. I could even move to Germany to live together with all my neo- nazi friends, who still think I'm a natural skinhead (but it's my cancer). Yes, I could begin an entirely new life full of love, warmth, friendship, hapiness, joy, sunshine, sex, violence, rape, disabled children, cancer....

From: vinniej@sco.COM (One Sick Individual) Subject: Just Imagine Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1992 01:18:12 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Summary: art

Y'know, I got to thinking about the whole animal rights issue. I realized how fortunate we were to be on top of the food chain.

To the animal rights people, I say, we live in a world where we are the dominant species among creatures such as rodents and pigeons. So let's look at it as if we weren't the dominant species on the earth.

Just for argument's sake, let's say that the primates were running things in the animal kingdom, and they were using us as a food crop. We'd be kept in pens all day. Since we were only farm animals, we could do pretty much nothing except fuck and eat. Now, they'd want us to fuck in order to propagate the species. And they'd want us to eat a lot in order to make nice chops and roasts.

Now, you'd say, "What's so bad about eating and fucking all day?"

Well, fucking would lose its appeal when you consider that there wouldn't be no Cindy Crawfords and Tom Cruises. No, no, no, they would want you big and fat. So all your potential sex partners would look like Roseanne Barr or Oprah Winfrey, and your male ones like William Conrad and Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson.

Food would look bad when you consider what we feed our animals that we use for food. We feed chickens seeds, cows grass, and pigs just about anything, including pork.

So here's how I picture your last day on earth as a food animal;

You're laying in the back of the pen after feasting on a pail of slop consisting of rotten vegetables and human scraps. You're all stretched out, with one of the Roseanne things licking the sweat off of your hide. You grunt and roll over. Spotting one of the Oprah things, you sidle up and begin your mating ritual. After a while, you mount it and pump away for a while into its fat, flaccid body, releasing your spooge and feeling all the satisfaction one feels after watching Lawrence Welk. As you wander back into the shade to sleep, you see the primate farmer coming toward the pen. He has the stick he always carries. You've seen this before. He chases one of the other humans out of the pen, and he has never been seen since. But no one knows where they go.

As an animal, your senses are heightened. Something instinctively tells you that the farmer has come for YOU this time. You begin to panic, and you feebly attempt to avoid him. But he's done this before. As you run toward the corner, he steps into your path, causing you to dodge away to the other side. You try to change direction. The farmer sidesteps, making you change direction yet again. This time, you cannot avoid the chute, the one you saw so many before you run down and never return. As you run down the chute, you realize that that's where he intended for you to go in the first place. A feeling of doom comes over you as the chute narrows to the point that there is no room to turn around, only forward.

As you get farther into the pen, the smell of sweat, blood, excrement and urine are overpowering. Your animal instinct tells you that this is the place that you are going to die. At the bottom of the chute is an opening, and you make a dash for it, as it is the only possible way out. Just as you reach it, and your hope is beginning to surface, a hammer comes from straight up above you and crushes your skull. Before you die, everything goes red from all the burst blood vessels behind your eyes. As you let out your last breath, you realize that this had been your destiny from the day you were born.

[...] -- Iain Sinclair axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au