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GAVIN'S STORIES . . .

Strangely Amusing and Illuminating Stories From the Great Philosopher, Gavin and Aloysius &tSftDotIotE

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1. JUAN AND THE AMAZON WOMEN

Deep in the jungles of South America, there lived a tribe of Amazon warrior women headhunters. One day, the incredibly skilled and wonderful Spanish explorer Juan de Burrito de la Mucho! Grande stumbled across their village while looking for a contact lens. Faced with certain death at the hands of hundreds of fierce but beautiful amazion women, he kindly asked if the beautiful young ladies had seen his contact lens. Since, of course, the hundreds of fierce but beautiful amazon women had never seen soft contact lenses -- though they were familiar with hard contacts; they used those for diaphragms (with a smiley-face painted on them: "servix with a smile") -- they, of course, merely grunted twice and brandished their stone spears a tad bit more menacingly, and poked poor Juan de Burrito in the booty. Rubbing the new red spot on his bottom and frowning, he kindly asked the Amazon babes to lend him one of their "smiling servix" hard contact lenses, and so they agreed to give him one after he spent a night of carnal passion with them. Being a hearty young Spanish lad, and, since he wanted the lenses badly, he agreed. The next morning, still gleaming from the night before, the again trekked out into the harsh, unyielding jungles of South America. Wherever he looked, he saw smiles -- he could not understand why. (He was undoubtedly quite fortunate that he did not encounter a patriarchal tribe that used the hard contact lenses for prophylactics.)

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2. PRINCE GENE AND PRINCESS BOP

Long, long ago, in the land beyond the wobbly road, there lived an unhappy prince named Gene. Gene was unhappy because his father wanted him to marry the princess Bop. But Gene didn't want to marry anyone. He just wanted to chase the bunnies and frolic and play in the meadow. So one day, Gene came up with a plan. He decided he would use his NERGRO SEMANGEMATOR to cause the sun to go nova, while he escaped the disaster on a very special photon. However, 23 hours before he could put his plant into operation, an asteroid hit the planet, and the following cloud cover obscured his NERGRO SEMANGEMATOR's transmission beam to the sun, and so he resorted to shooting the damn bitch in the head with a bazooka. The end.

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3. THE KING AND THE GREAT ZAMIS

Once upon a time, there lived a king whose crown rested on a troubled brow. You see, this king had an annoying and nagging problem: a thorn in his side; a fly in the soup. And this problem was so bad that it threatened the socio-economic stability of his kingdom and perhaps of the _world itself_ (irregularity)! He contacted the wisest sages in the land to no avail. Finally he found the greatest wizard in the land: The Great ZAMIS! And he said that he definitely saw a cucumber of great wealth in the King's future. Since the king was a very silly sod (and damn gullible, too), he went to the market and bought the first cucumber he saw for $199.95 (in gold pieces), thinking that this was the cucumber of great wealth that Zamis spoke of. He cut from the end four inches and gave them to a dirty old man who made permanent residence deep in the Amazon (but was temporarily staying on a bench in downtown New York City directly in front of a topless bar). The man did not seem grateful. The King immediately returned to Zamis and told him of the cucumber. Zamis was unimpressed. "You must study Zen Buddhism," said Zamis. But the King said, "What about the Italians?" Zamis ensured the King that usually Italian buddhists were fat, ugly, and had shiny bellies. The King disagreed strongly, and Zamis' honor was threatened. Zamis bellowed, "May you be plagued always by dog hair in your mouth!" Suddenly, he was gone. After a few minutes, the King began to get a funny taste in his mouth. In moments, he realized he was soon to die. He screamed as the dog hair spread into his nose. Soon every every square inch of his exposed skin was covered. Then his eyes watered, and he realized that the hair was growing there, too. Soon to be a fur rug, he gasped, "Good-bye!"

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INTERMISSION 1

QUESTION: If the iridium layer exists, why do short people tie their shoelaces backwards?

Answer: Well, as everyone knows, if the iridium layer exists, then the dinosaurs died out because of an asteroid impact. The mutants of the dinosaurs are, in fact, the short people. They tie their shoelaces backwards in mourning of their long-lost loved ones because of this event.

AND NOW, BACK TO THE ACTION . . .

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4. NICOLE'S DREAMS

There once was this girl named Nicole. Nicole had troubled dreams. She would see herself in the middle of a giant chessboard dressed in flowing white robes, and she heard this loud voice whisper the word: "Tongue! Tongue!" She went to a wise sage to interpret the dream, and he said that the giant chessboard symbolized the desk of love (since there was no one else on the board). He also said that the voice that whispered, "Tongue! Tongue!" was that high school foreign language teacher that had always troubled her so. After the wise sage had finished, she said, "Hey, you know, like, you could be right!" So she reamed him and took his basketball trophy and pawned it and bought a trumpet and got sucked into the Twilight Zone. So Rod Serling walked up to her and offered her a cigarette, belched, and then he said, "Come wiz me to the Cazbah," and when she brandished her orange juicer (the same device by which she reamed the wise sage -- whose whole is no wider), he ran away screaming. Since Nicole was bored, she turned the juicer on herself.

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5. FRED AND GROVER'S QUEST

Once upon a time there was a sea urchin named Fred. He met a bird named Grover. This was especially interested because birds don't like cold water. So, Grover and Fred went on a sacred quest to find out why a bird would be around cold water. They came across a wild, wise coral reef named 101001011. But since they couldn't communicate with him (coral can't talk, silly), they couldn't deduce that he was wise. In a last, desperate attempt to learn the truth, they reamed the reef (which was a neat trick, since neither of them could readily find the coral's anal cavity. They just plugged the closest hole they could find). After they were satisfied, they returned to Eden. You see, Grover was the first true bird and the reason he liked cold water is because he didn't have any cavities!

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6. FRED JORDACHE

There was once a man named Fred Jordache who really liked bottoms. One day he found a rather friendly bottom walking down the street, and he asked her for directions to a rest room. After she told him, he asked her what she was doing and she said, "Oh, just hanging around!" They laughed for a time and then rented a motel and spent a night of ecstasy together. After making love like crazed weasels, Ms. Bottom asked him, "Will you respect me in the morning?" Touching the skin of her cheek softly, he whispered back to her, "Certainly not. You're a disembodied pelvis." She let out a puff of gas.

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7. POOPLAH'S QUEST

There once lived a protozoan named Pooplah. Pooplah was in love wth the beautiful and amazing Princess Margo. But because Pooplah was only a microscopic organism, he could not voice his true feelings. So he bid a tearful good-bye to his friends on the microscope slide and went on a quest. He was looking for a way to finally ooze on his dream girl and show her the wonderful feeling of osmosis. The first thing that he came across was a small dust particle with latent inbred schizophrenic/multiple-personality traits, walking with a slight limp (which is a neat trick for a dust particle). The dust particle said, "I think your quest is really silly. No I don't! I mean, Princess Margo will just get a cold from you. No she won't! -- Yes she will!" Suddenly the dust particle juiced in his pajamas! And then, the dust particle whipped out his . . . puree blender and maliciously threatened to remove Pooplah's contractile vacuole with it. (Pooplah never knew a blender could do that!) Eventually, after twenty-three nanoseconds of mortal combat with the dust particle, Pooplah managed to vanquish the evil beast. Continuing on, he encountered some Spanish flye (tm) that carbon-14 dating indicated to be approximately 1.6 weeks old. Avoiding the fact that unaged Spanish flye can be very hazardous, he introduced it to Margo anyway. After convulsing violently, she returned to her room and promptly kicked the bucket. Pooplah didn't even get a chance to "osmosis" her. So the moral of the story is never use or play with Spanish flye, unless it's artificially processed (with sweeteners), or unless it's two weeks old. Otherwise you could become real unhappy-like.

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8. HEAD HONCHO

The office was dark and damp. Within sat the monarch of students and teachers alike behind a desk notched with the marks of axes and knives. In stepped the downcast foreign languages teacher, weary with work, to face the judgement of the HEAD HONCHO. With a booming voice that commanded respect, he spoke: "The results of the evaluation are in," he said. "The penalty for failure is to be strapped against a large striped pole securely and then whipped until completely and utterly senseless with a rubber hose covered in maple syrup. Afterwards, we will use a microscope coverslide on your jugular vein and give you a trillion paper cuts. Then we will pop you until you get a bloody nose and start crying. And then, we will drip sulfuric acid on your forehead FOREVER!" He broke into hysterical laughter. After accidentally relieving himself, the now-mortified teacher ran like a sissy out of the mystical chamber. When HEAD HONCHO was quite certain the sissy-teacher had left sight, he pulled out his stuffed aardvark and played doctor.

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9. SATAN'S DEMISE

Once upon a time, there was an evil teacher named Satan. This teacher ruled her students with an iron hand, a will of steel, and a heart of ice. She was stilted and nonsensical. One day, poor, innocent yet determined students made a desperate attempt at freedom. They acquired a few matches and some gasoline in a metal canister. Secretively, they planned to pour the gasoline over Satan's head when she was writing nonsense on the top of the overhead projector and set fire to her body. Then, as she lie writhing on the floor, Pork would give her a body slam she would never forget. As her skin bubbled, they'd remove the air from the room, and her blood would boil and her body inflate in the near-vacuum. But before she died from zero atmospheric pressure, they would pump air back into the room and maliciously call her "Gan!" from a nearby window. Then, Raba would challenge and browbeat her and make her hair go flat. Then Gabin would enter with the dreaded orange juicer shoved up the wazoo and taunt her (because he wouldn't let her shove it up hers). Then the Great Zamis would enter with his grey T-shirt and spit at her mushy, yucky bodily remains. Since, being Satan, she would not beead -- merely stunned. Then these freedom-fighting students would bring in their most dreaded weapon of all, the SUPERNATURAL OMNIPRESENT UNIVERSAL ENTITY LEANN LIN (tm), who would cast powerful spells and heinous majik that would render Satan helpless. Then, with Nemec, they would put her on top of the VCR cart, and wheel her down to the A/V room where the servants of GH0D would dispose of the evil teacher once and for all.

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INTERMISSION 2: AN HAIKU BY ALOYSIUS

Mafia watch me Zippo makes me think of May I love gasoline

AND NOW, THE GRAND FINALE . . .

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10. THE HOLY WHISTLE OF HARMONY

Once upon a time in a world not unlike our own, there was a valiant Sensei who was charged with a sacred mission by the Great Colossal Wazoo. This sensei had to find the Holy Whistle of Harmony. The Whistle lay smack dab in the middle of the Prefecture of Peril. So she slung her overhead projector over her back and went on her way. On the way to the Prefecture of Peril, the valiant Sensei of Law encountered a large pit, perhaps 100 meters in diameter. The bottom of the pit was enshrouded in darkness. "Could the Whistle of Harmony be located in this abyss?" she thought. Looking closely, she saw a shimmer of light at the bottom of the abyssal depths. Believing this was a sign from the Wazoos, she prepared to descend the pit. Fashioning a crude helicopter/blender from the overhead projector, and using a molar tooth for fuel, she descended into the pit. Suddenly, the light bulb burned out and she fell hundreds of meters in the doomed craft to the floor below. When she came to, she saw on the sandy floor the biggest gosh darn diamond she ever did see. It shone with an erie, artificial light. The diamond seemed to mystically call her, so she went against better judgement and pocketed it. When she put the crystal in her pocket, it began to glow through her garments. Confused, she took it back out of her pocket. Lo and behold -- there was the Holy Whistle of Harmony, encased inside the diamond! Knowing that the diamond is the hardest natural mineral, our valiant Sensei realized she was going to have something of a time getting the Whistle out of the diamond. After a few moments of concentration, she realized she had a rather more pressing concern: she was hundreds of meters inside a dark pit with her helicopter/blender utterly beyond repair. In despair, she backed up aganst a wall and fell through it! In her despair, she had discovered what seemed to be a secret passage! In she went, using the diamond as a light. She walked for many hours until her little short stubby legs could carry her no longer. As she sat and rested, she began to smell gasoline! Frantically searching for the gas pipe leak, she managed to find the pilot light switch for the gas-powered furnace. Mistaking the ON knob for the OFF, she accidentally turned up the flame. The resulting explosion removed the diamond from her hand and flung it through the burning, coarse air. Sensei awoke from her dreamless sleep in what seemed to her to be a hospital room, all painted with white. From her groggy eyes she espied the magic Whistle freed from its diamond prison! It was hanging from the opposite wall on a nail. As she tried to get up, she realized she was in a full body cast! Nevertheless, she inched her way to the edge of the bed. But alas! She fell in a stiff lump on the floor with a loud "KA-WAPPA-BAM-KABLEWY!" Then she heard footsteps in the hall outside! Realizing that it would be quite impossible for her to get up and hide -- since she was in a body cast and had rather uncomfortable burns all over her body -- she cunningly disguised herself as a lamp post. Hoping that the new intruder would not recognize her as an agent of the Great Colossal Wazoo, she stood very still. Presently, in walked a doctor with a long, frightening thermometer in hand. Unfortunately, the lamp post disguise did not deceive him -- he spotted our heroine quite easily. "Time to take your rectal temperature," he cackled, holding up his thermometer so it glinted in the artificial light. Breaking loose her short, stubby legs from the plastery mold, she began to run from the doctor around the room. Leaping over the bed and through the curtains, the doctor finally tripped on the bed post and impaled himself on the thermometer. This was the break she was counting on. Amazingly, she had not been burned, because her skin was in perfect condition (except the cellulite). Using the tattered body cast as clothing, she scooped up the whistle and opened the window with intent to escape. Unfortunately, she did not realize that the window was rigged with an anti-dummy(tm) anti-theft device that delivered one trillion volts of raw electricity to her probing fingers. The following involuntary jerk of her arm due to the high voltage caused her arm to dislodge from the socket. (Fortunately, plaster does not conduct electricity well at all; otherwise, she might have been brutally and horribly killed.) Picking up her separated arm from the rubble of the room with her remaining good arm, she ventured into the harsh, unyielding world just outside the electrically-drained window. Inching her way across the ledge hundreds of meters above the ground, she slowly made her way to a window washer's platform. Suddenly, screaming vultures descended from the sky and started clawing at her. With only her severed arm as a weapon, you can imagine it didn't work too well. So, in a valiant attempt to keep the Whistle of Harmony out of avian hands, she jumped from the ledge, plunging to certain death! As she fell, she blew the magic Whistle with weary lips. The sweet sounds surrounded her with white light and she was transported directly in front of the Great Colossal Wazoo! "We see that you have finished your great sacred quest and have recovered the Whistle of Harmony from the very bowels of the Prefecture of Peril successfully." He cast a Great Wazoo spell and the severed limb was magically reattached to the bloody stump. (She discovered later in life, however, that she had lost a lot of feeling in her finger tips.) "We will reward you," he continued, "with the greatest prize any mortal could ever hope for -- the Great Zamis as a lifelong companion in the great hills behind the wiggly river. In addition, we will give you one of these excellent inflatable five-foot Whistle of Harmony dolls. Have a nice day." This valiant Sensei spent many happy years between the inflatable Whistle and the Great Zamis. They had many children and ulcers and lived happily ever after. Hic. Cough.

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