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From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: alt.religion.kibology FAQ -- Ninth Edition Message-ID: <BzDtxI.G6A@world.std.com> Organization: Two rooms filled with typography, in downtown Boston Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 02:36:53 GMT Lines: 453

ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ--NINTH EDITION (12/16/92) ===================================================

EXCERPTED FROM THE "ASK KIBO" BOOKS COWRITTEN WITH JAN-CECIL BRUNVADAMS, RON GOULART, MICHAEL TOBIAS, AND EDWARD D. WOOD JR.

Answers to these Frequently Asked Questions have been verified by Encyclopedia Britannica. They have not, however, been verified to be _correct_.

Please send corrections to kibo@world.std.com. Questions will be answered if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

"WHAT DOES KIBO LOOK LIKE?" Six two (-ish), skinny, dark brown hair (medium-length), Abe Lincoln beard, glasses. Exactly the same fleshtone as Michael Jackson's TV Guide cover photo.

"WHAT DOES KIBO SOUND LIKE?" Mostly like Mr. Rogers. For a truly accurate image, imagine 40% Mr. Rogers, 35% Michael Dukakis, and 25% Don Adams. (Actually, Kibo was required to take voice training classes in college--they wanted him to talk like Adam West. One of his instructors also worked on Dukakis. This technique is obviously completely useless.)

"CAN KIBO DO ANY IMPRESSIONS?" A few, but they're very bad so he won't do them for you. However, people occasionally accuse him of doing a Mr. Rogers one, which he can only do when he's _not_ trying to.

"HAS KIBO BEEN IN HARVEY PEKAR'S COMIC BOOK `AMERICAN SPLENDOR'?" Of course not. Don't be silly. However, it's rumored that he is partially obscuring Waldo in "Where's Waldo?"

"WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BOZOLOGY?" Bozosity abounds!

"AND IS THIS RELATED TO KIBO'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF STUFF [G.U.T.S.]? WHAT IS HIS G.U.T.S., ANYWAY?" Everything abounds!

"OH."

"HOW DO YOU TELL IF SOMEONE'S A BOZO?" Ask them. If they say yes, they're a good bozo. If they say no, they're a bad bozo. If they refuse or evade, they're the very worst kind, and will be first against the wall when the revolution comes!

"WHO CREATED KIBOLOGY?" The idea came from either Mark&Jason Dominus or Todd McComb, but they don't remember which one of them it was. Neither does Kibo. He blames them both equally.

"WHO'S VISITED KIBO'S APARTMENT?" Mark&Jason Dominus, Sean "Xibo" Coates, Harry Mandel, John Corr, Meg Bertoni, Kibo's parents, Tom, Tom, and Tom, Jim Kasprzak, Scott "~ibo" Ramming, Noah Friedman, Mark Hill, but certainly not Patrick L. Obo.

"WHO IS PATRICK L. OBO?" Remember the recent _Star_ tabloid cover story, "CRAZED FAN STALKS SUZANNE SOMERS"?

"WHAT'S KIBO'S PURITY TEST SCORE?" He forgot. Wasn't spectacularly high or low. He denies Bush's accusation that there was A Pattern.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S IQ?" He hasn't had any such tests lately. However, he has been scored as surprisingly normal on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). A certain minor religion's "Free Personality Test" claims he'll go insane soon. [Afterword: Kibo still hasn't bought a copy of "Dianetics", so he is obviously insane now.]

"HOW DID KIBO ACQUIRE THIS MUCH POWER?" He invented the smilie.

"THEN WHY DOES KIBO REFUSE TO USE ANY :-)S IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?" He doesn't want to show off his skills. He can type the three parts in under a tenth of a second, blindfolded.

"WHAT DID KIBO BUY AT THE MARKET RECENTLY?" (From Kibo's three most recent grocery receipts from daily shopping trips)

DR PEPPER (4) Eight liters, three days. ARRID-REGULA Time for a new can of deodorant. PLAST FORKS All the plastic cutlery got used up FORKS simultaneously. Same goes for paper CUTLERY plates, see below. MAPLE LINKS Wrong. Brown'N'Serve BACON flavor. STOVETOP STF Turkey flavor, the best. V8 COCKTAIL (3) Does that make one V24? Twelve V2s? GROCRY I have no idea what this was, now. SUP 12Z BOWL Paper bowls/plates. DIX 9IN PLTE CERTS (3) Pocket cache of mints was low. PEPPERONI The most perfect snack meat. HERSHEY DRIN Chocolate artificial milk. LCHOY MS EGG (2) I know LaChoy egg rolls are crummy, but I like them anyway. I don't know why. CHEEZ IT Not for me, for a visitor. I do not eat cheese, and certainly not "cheez". SR CRM MNCHM Um... don't recall. BBQ RIPPLINS Keeblerized potato chip substitute. MEAT A lot of breaded chicken fillets. PRINGLE RIP (2) Rippled pringles. HOOD CALMILK Calcium-enriched, lactose-reduced milk, for cooking (not drinking) BOSCO The only non-artificially-flavored chocolate syrup available here.

"DOES KIBO PERFORM STANDUP COMEDY?" Not any more. Too scary and not profitable.

"IF KIBO EVER GOES BALD, WILL HE STAY BALD OR WILL HE JOIN THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN?" I wouldn't dream of being a Hair Club for Men client unless I can also be the president.

"WILL KIBO EVER CORRECT THIB TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR?" Where?

"WHY DO I WRITE ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON IN SOME PLACES IN THIS FAQ LIST?" Because it would look like I had a big ego if I kept saying "I".

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE BEATLE?" Paul.

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MONKEE?" Mike, or maybe Peter. However, this answer would be completely different if Charles Manson hadn't done so badly in his audition for them. (Little-known fact.)

"HAS KIBO EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN MOVIE?" Yes, _Bedtime for Bonzo_, twice. Also, night before last, actually threw up while reading a synopsis of _Hellcats of the Navy_. However, this answer would have been completely different if Ingrid Bergman's availability hadn't prompted the studio to replace Reagan with Bogie in _Casablanca_. (Little-known fact.)

"WHERE HAS KIBO BEEN?" The northeastern quadrant of the United States. And Cleveland. When he can afford it, he'll go everywhere else. Especially the Moon.

"KIBO SAID `SIL!'. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" If you have to ask, you'll never know. Sil!

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE COLOR?" Pantone Reflex Blue(tm). But only on coated paper. Fuzzy-paper aficionados or video weenies don't know what they're missing.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAS KIBO SEEN `GONE WITH THE WIND'?" None.

"HAS KIBO READ THE SEQUEL?" He read the synopsis in _Life_ magazine and nearly broke his rib cage laughing.

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH OR DUKAKIS IN '88?" No. Ron Paul (Libertarian party).

"WHY?" He had the least-groomed fuzzy eyebrows and thus looked the most honest.

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH, CLINTON, OR PEROT IN '92?" Yes. Perot. He did it just because he wanted to enjoy the chaos it could cause.

"WHAT DOES KIBO THINK OF TELEVISION?" TV is evil must be destroyed. A good way to do this is to watch your set until it burns out.

"WHAT ONE WORD WOULD KIBO USE TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF?" "Kibo."

"WHAT'S KIBO'S SHOE SIZE?" 11-1/2, wide. The boots he's been wearing lately are 30, which is measured in centimeters because the boots were made by Communists.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S HAT SIZE?" Large.

"WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES KIBO DRIVE?" Living in central Boston, it's much cheaper not to have one, and perfectly easy to get everywhere on foot or by public transportation or taxi.

"DOES KIBO EXPECT `STAR TREK VI' TO BE ANY GOOD?" Possibly. It'll be better than V, obviously, but I doubt it'll be the best of the bunch.

"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH SULU?" About ten percent of the profits, or something. After Star Trek XII, Paramount will pay to have his wart removed.

"AND WHAT ABOUT `DEEP SPACE NINE'?" Will you screaming nerdo zonkers shut up about Star Trek already? I keep telling you, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GENE RODDENBERRY'S DEATH. End of discussion.

"WELL, NOW THAT IT'S A YEAR LATER, DO YOU EXPECT `STAR TREK VII' TO BE ANY GOOD?" Possibly... and monkeys might fly out of Shatner's hair!

"DID BURT REYNOLDS REALLY DO THE VOICEOVERS FOR TROY'S CHARACTER ON THE SERIES `OUT OF THIS WORLD'?" Sorry, that's irrelevant to alt.religion.kibology. Try rec.arts.tv.

"IF KIBO WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD HE BE?" Yggdrasil.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?" Four to five in the morning, whether he's awake or not.

"DOES KIBO HAVE ANY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS?" No, he avoids sports religiously.

"WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE TALKED ABOUT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?" Exactly one-half of the entire universe, including a rather large chunk of the creamy center of the Milky Way.

"IS IT TRUE THAT KIBO WOULD WITHER AND DIE WITHOUT HIS TV SET?" No. You're thinking of Kibo's Usenet feed.

"DOES KIBO HAVE AN S.O.?" I don't consider myself to have one, but she called herself my SO once. Does that qualify? I think I lost her phone number.

"HOW LONG HAS KIBO BEEN ON USENET?" Since about '87. He's had E-mail access since '85.

"WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE NET HAS ENCOUNTERED KIBO?" Unknown, but probably a large fraction. Of course, Kibo has encountered most of the net, since he reads a few zillion groups. Well, actually, his minions do it for him.

"WHO ARE KIBO'S NET.COHORTS?" Too many to list. Next!

"HOW DOES KIBOLOGY COMPARE?" Kibology is better.

"BETTER THAN SCIENTOLOGY?" Anything is!

"DID KIBO SAY, `EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS'?" No.

"DID KIBO SAY, `DID KIBO SAY, "EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS"?'?" Yes.

"IS KIBO FOR REAL?" He's more real than Doogie Howser. Not as real as Al Sharpton. But then, you don't want him to be.

"HOW'D YOU GET THAT NAME?" It was an accident involving a dictionary, a contraction, some computers, and reverse hypnosis! Run for your lives!

"WHAT DOES KIBO MEAN, ANYWAY?" What he says.

"NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES THE _NAME_ `KIBO' MEAN?" It means that the person who has that name is named "Kibo".

"HOW IS IT PRONOUNCED?" There are three ways. The most common is "Keebo". The second most common has the `short i' sound as in the word "bit". The least common has the `long i' as in "eye". Needless to say, Kibo says it the weird long-i way.

"WHAT'S `HELVETICA'?" Kind of like the antichrist, only without the horns.

"IS KIBO RELATED TO XIBO?" No.

"WHAT'S A XIBO?" A bad bozo, who isn't allowed.

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT XIBO?" I could if I wanted to. See, I'm allowed to. Xibo isn't allowed. As the saying goes, "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo, Spot, Sandro Wallach, Noah Friedman (after midnight), or especially Patrick L. Obo."

"WHO'S XIBO?" A very bad bozo, who still isn't allowed, no matter how much he whines about it.

"WHERE'S XIBO?" Sittin' in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere .plans for nobody.

"WHY IS XIBO SO FAR AWAY FROM KIBO?" Because they're on opposite sides of the real world.

"WHO IS SPOT?" He's just a dog.

"WHY IS SPOT NOT ALLOWED?" He's _just_ a _dog_!

"DID SPOT DO SOMETHING BAD?" No, he's never been allowed to do anything.

"WHY DOES KIBO MAKE SO MANY TYPOS? CAN'T HE PROOFREAD?" William Shakespeare spelled his own name four different ways, too. And Einstein wore mismatched socks. So Kibo's allowed too.

"WHO IS HARRY?" Slightly above Spot's level.

"IS HE ALLOWED?" No.

"WHY IS KIBO'S .SIGNATURE SO LONG?" Because it contains an actual-size map of the entire Universe.

"KIBO, DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU'RE COSTING THE NET HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BY POSTING THAT .SIGNATURE?" Those are just 1983 dollars.

"DON'T YOU CARE?" Of course I care. Just not very much.

"YOU SHOULD PUT THIS IN YOUR .SIGNATURE." Maybe.

"IS KIBO ON WOODY'S SIDE OR MIA'S?" Woody's. Mia's turned evil!

"WHY IS THE APARTMENT DOWN THE HALL ALWAYS WATCHING THE SAME TV CHANNEL KIBO'S WATCHING?" Conspiracy. I can't elaborate further.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF KIBO'S FAVORITE TYPEFACES?" Icone, Goudy Oldstyle (only in metal, though), Information Extended Black, Journal, Eusebius, Tempo Medium Italic, Stellar, Ludlow Garamond, Adobe Garamond, Michaelangelo, the original Baskerville, and Jenson's original 1470 type.

"AND LEAST FAVORITE?" Biffo Script, Huit Light, Braggadocio, ITC Fat Face, Helvetica Medium, and Chicago.

"WHAT IS `E!'?" 24 hours of TV commercials every day. It's the channel devoted to telling you how great all the other channels are! And the big "E!" in the corner of the screen _never_ goes away. Watch "E!" in your hot-tub! While bungee-jumping! Get the latest on Roseanne's new tattoo! Watch the editing process of "Look Who's Talking 3"! Scrutinize trends in game-show-host teeth!

"WHO IS BIFF?" BIFF IZ A REELY K00L D00D !!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE P0STS 2 THE NET FR0M HIZ BIG BROTHERS C-64 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 BIFF IS AWESUM ..........,,,,

"SAY, KIBO, ARE YOU RELATED TO BIFF?" N0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"IS BIFF A KIBOLOGIST?" Everyone's a Kibologist... whether they know it or not!

"KIBO, CAN YOU POST A .GIF OF YOURSELF?" Yes. But not right now. I've been meaning to when I have time to finish airbrushing my glossies.

"HOW DO YOU SING THE QUOTATION MARKS IN `"KIBO"'?" First you hold up your right hand and make the international double-quote gesture with a quick downward arc of the index and middle fingers (do not do this backwards in most parts of the world.) Then, after "Kibo," do the same with your left hand. Other "quoted" words may "also" be "pronounced" in this "`way'".

"WHY IS KIBO SO COOL?" He's not telling, because then you'd all remake yourselves in his image, and he'd just be average! Did you know that NEARLY HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD are BELOW AVERAGE? Shocking but VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA!

"AS YOU MIGHT KNOW, KIBO LIVES IN BOSTON. WHY?" Proximity to the MIT nuclear reactor, Necco factory, Tea Party ship, and that glass building that drops windows on people. Oh, yeah, and it's also the Hub of the Universe. But Kibo is the axle.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY QUOTED KIBO QUOTES?" The widest I've ever seen Kibo quoted is: ` ` K i b o ' ' ...but in some extended fonts it could be a bit wider.

"WHY DID ISTANBUL GET THE WORKS?" Actually, they just got some business cards. I had to put Turkish accent marks on ITC Souvenir Light; you haven't lived until you've seen a Souvenir `g' with the little doohickey floating over it.

"IS ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ARCHIVED ANYWHERE?" Yes. FTP to world.std.com, look in /pub/alt.religion.kibology. Find about 5000 articles to play with. Read them all. Then see a doctor. I recommend Dr. Theguywhocanrepairyourheadafteritexplodes... he's really nice.

"HAS PHILIP K. DICK APPROVED OF THIS?" To quote from the first chapter of PKD's _Gather Yourselves Together_ (1952), "He put his suitcase down and made certain that his wallet was buttoned into his pocket in such a way that it could not possibly fall out." Unlike PKD's characters, Kibo forgets to do stuff like this, and so occasionally his pocket falls out.

"WHAT DOES `OBIK' MEAN?" Obik a special aerosol spray that makes things resistant to further use of Obik. Contains no harmful radioactive plutonium!

"WHAT DOES `XVOB' MEAN?" It's in code. Ssh. It's a _secret_.

"WHAT FLAVORS DO NEW CRUNCHY KibOs COME IN?" Regular, ham'n'egg, honey-lutefisk, cheez'n'whiz, nearly-kosher tofu, and dog.

"WHY DID MY LEFT SIDEBURN FALL OUT?" That happened to William Shatner once, in the episode where the Transporter created an evil twin--hey, wait, I told you: STOP ASKING ME STAR TREK QUESTIONS! Shatner only got the Kirk role on Star Trek because he was married to Majel Barrett Roddenberry, anyway.

"WHY DO EXPLODING HEADS SHOW UP SO MUCH IN BAD MOVIES AND TV?" Because they're sheer comedy! A laugh a minute! *boom* Hey, look, honey, that guy's head just exploded FOR NO REASON! It's almost as funny as a midget. Hey, look, honey, he's STILL short! You'll laugh for HOURS! Coming soon to Fox.

"IF MOST PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-HANDED, WHY ARE ALL NEUTRINOS LEFT-HANDED?" It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them.

"WILL I EVER GET A LIFE?" I suggest you check alt.religion.kibology for the answer, every hour. On the hour. Don't forget to keep us posted, too.

"HAVE I YET ACCUMULATED A LETHAL DOSE?" Perhaps just a lethal doze.

"WHY AM I ASKING THIS?" Who do I look like--Criswell? Actually, my hairdo is stranger than his. But then again, he went bald later. And I didn't.