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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college From: betel@camelot.bradley.edu (Robert Crawford) Subject: The Kloo Gnomes Message-ID: <betel.728428720@camelot> Sender: news@bradley.bradley.edu Organization: Bradley University Date: 30 Jan 93 21:18:40 GMT Lines: 229

This is something that has been spreading around Bradley University for the last year or so. This is the chief explanation, but the basic idea is that Kloo Gnomes bring people the clues they need to get through life. People who are apparently clue-less have "killed their Kloo Gnomes." (The one documented example involves someone who dropped a brick on a squirrel when they were a kid. They thought it was a rat.)

The Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos

Dedication

This is dedicated to all the world's Kloo Gnomes,

"The Kloo Gnomes Giveth, and The Kloo Gnomes Taketh Away."

Forward

I first saw my Kloo Gnome one night while I was in High School. I was calmly driving along after a date, when I heard a voice from the seat next to me. It definitely wasn't the radio, since I had Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason in the player, and it was in the middle of an instrumental. The voice said something that truly surprised me: "Uh, do ya think ya could slow down a little?" This was surprising because I had been with my friend Mark when he took that very same curve at 80 in his Daytona. "Yeah, well, that was a Daytona. This is a Subaru. Your gonna kill us both." Apparently the voice was telepathic. I chanced a look over into the passenger seat, and saw him. He was a little guy, standing about 8 inches tall, wearing a ridiculous purple hat with a golden 'K' emblazoned upon it. Besides that ridiculous hat, his clothes were relatively normal -- jeans and a sweatshirt. "Who and what in the hell are you?" I asked, showing my typical level of tact. "Oh, shit," he responded, "you got me. OK, OK, I'm your Kloo Gnome." "Clue gnome?" "No, _KLOO_ Gnome, with a K and a capital G." "KGlue gnome?" "Buddy, your using your clues up fast. That's K-L-O-O G-N-O-M-E." "And what the fuck is a Kloo Gnome?" "Yah finally got it! I told the Director you weren't that dense!" "Thanks, I think." "Well, anyway, Kloo Gnomes are responsible for handing out clues." "Kloos?" "Clues." "Ah, OK." "Anyway, could ya slow down a little and let me out? That's all I'm required to tell you, so I'm free to go now." "Required to tell me?" "Well, when ya catch a leprechaun, its gotta tell you where its gold is, right?" "If you say so." "Well, all Kloo Gnomes gotta do is tell you what a Kloo Gnome is. It is, after all, the Ultimate Clue. Now will ya slow down, please?" "I'm only doing eighty." "Yeah, well, my squirrel can't just _start_ out at eighty, ya know." "No, I didn't. Squirrel?" "He's in the back seat. Don't worry, he's house trained." "Ok..." "Good, you're below sixty now. Goodbye!" With that he disappeared, and I could have sworn I saw a little figure riding a squirrel flash in my headlights for a split second.

Needless to say, after that I calmly drove home. I was determined to find out more about Kloo Gnomes.

Since then I have managed to catch my Kloo Gnome in the act four times. Each time I have been able to entice more information out of him. I have even been able to see some of the Sacred Books of Kloos, the history texts of the Kloo Gnomes. This, along with the information of others that have been Klooed in, has gone into the production of this text, The Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos.

Kloo Gnomes

Origin Early in human history we were, to put it mildly, clueless. A primitive woman brought a burning branch back to the campsight to provide warmth and light. One of the tribes men pissed on it, to put it out. A primitive woman shaved her legs with her husbands spear, resulting in his spear being too dull to bring down the next weeks meals. It was a sorry state of affairs. Whatever force put humanity on this planet (the Sacred Books of Kloo neglect to mention the nature of this force) decided Something Had to Be Done. And so it/he/she brought forth the Kloo Gnomes. In these days Kloo Gnomes were everywhere, busily spreading clues to humanity. They tried to concentrate certain clues no certain areas, but mistakes were made. For this reason nearly every culture on the planet developed the bow at the same time. Two culture were given the clues about pyramids. But the Kloo Gnomes got better at their trade. The very legends of the ancients speak of the Kloo Gnomes -- the SBOK mentions one called Prometheus, who gave fire to the wrong tribe, and was chained to a rock in the Sinai where hamsters nibbled at his penis for months on end. The legend was obviously altered for a more sensitive human audience. During this time the Kloo Gnomes developed into five distinct classes. The Grunt Kloo Gnomes were the field operatives, the guys in the field who delivered clues to humanity. There is one of them for every human being. The second class is the Bureaucrat, that group of Kloo Gnomes whose responsibility it is to decide who gets what clue when. It is remarkable to note that despite the Kloo Gnome's having developed bureauracracy, they still get things done. Third is the Researcher Kloo Gnome, the Gnomes that actually compile the clues. Theirs is the ultimate in pure research -- they have no idea who is going to get the clues they produce, and the products of their labor are meaningless to them. Fourth there is the Noble Kloo Gnomes. There are only a few dozen of these, for these are the rulers of the Kloo Gnome realm. One of them is King Kloo himself, the others include various princes and the heads of the Grunts, Bureaucrats, Researchers, and the Kavalry. The Kloo Kavalry is the military arm of the Kloo Gnomes. More about them later.

Leprechauns

Early in the days of the Kloo Gnomes, some of the Gnomes decided that they would rather keep the clues for themselves. This group, under the leadership of Kloo Gnome Khan, split and took off for parts unknown. Since the split, the Kloo Gnomes have treated them like lepers, and thus their name, Leper-Khans. The leprechauns (to use the English corruption of the Klooish) have tried ever since to intercept the Grunt Kloo Gnomes, to kill them and steal the clues being delivered to humanity. They have even degenerated so far as to begin eating Kloo Gnomes, a practice that started sometime after the Great Clover Famine. The Kloo Gnomes haven't let this go unanswered, however. The Kloo Kavalry was formed to protect Grunts as they go about their business, and has been responsible for all of the anti-leprechaun measures that have been developed. The first battlefield between the Gnomes and the leprechauns was Britain. It was there that the Kavalry discovered that leprechauns didn't have the sense to step over a closed circle. The Kavalry built stone circles to serve as sanctuaries for the Grunts, the most famous of which is Stonehenge. The paths worn by the Grunts running from circle to circle have gone down into legend as the ley lines. This battle raged on for centuries, and sadly the leprechauns began to win. They forced the Gnomes back into the sanctuary of the civilization that had most benefited from their activities, Imperial Rome. The Romans had somehow realized the power of circles for increasing the supply of clues. Every city the Romans built included a circular Coliseum, where unbeknownst to the Romans, the Kloo Gnomes could seek shelter from the leprechauns. However the leprechauns knew how the Roman constructions were saving the Kloo Gnomes. They were now in control of northern Europe, and set the Germanic tribes to marching south. We all know the result of this war. The Kloo Gnomes were stuck in Byzantium until the Moslem minarets began to appear, creating yet another sanctuary for the Kloo Gnomes.

Squirrels

Most Kloo Gnomes ride specially bred squirrels equipped with FTL drives. This allows them to deliver clues in a timely manner and has even allowed them to branch out to delivering clues to extra-terrestrials. The choice of squirrels is apparently a religious matter, and not all Grunts ride them. For example, the Mongolian Kloo Gnomes ride gerbils, the Western US Kloo Gnomes ride prairie dogs, and the Australian Kloo Gnomes had an aborted experiment with riding wallabies. Every member of the Kloo Kavalry rides a squirrel. These are special squirrels, brought up on campuses like Bradley's, and renowned for their ferocity and loyalty. In many ways they are the war-horses of the forest world. Leprechauns have never been seen riding animals, and in fact have their FTL systems rammed up their asses. Some of them, especially those born since WWII, have been seen hitching rides on vehicles, primarily Harley-Davidsons, Gremlins, Yugos, and Corvettes.

Circles and Clovers

As mentioned above, Kloo Gnomes find refuge in circles. Leprechauns do not know they can step over the circle, so end up running around and around it until they pass out from exhaustion. On the other hand, leprechauns are attracted to clovers, and the large number of clover-leaf interchanges that have sprouted across the U.S. has been linked to the poor state of education. The appearance of crop circles in Britain in the last few years marks the development of a new Kavalry tactic. They bait some leprechauns, and them take off in a run. The leprechauns get ingrossed in the chase, and don't realize when the Kavalry has closed the loop and formed a circle within the high plants. The chase goes on until the circle is fully formed, and then the Kavalry retreats to the center of the circle to rest. The leprechauns realize that not only are they kept from the Gnomes by a circle, but that they are also within a circle. Trapped, they run continuously until they pass out. Then the Kavalry rides out and finishes them off. Most of the time the simple circle isn't enough, and the Kavaly ends of forming complexes of circles with lines between them. One ambush was ruined by a group of college students who tried to form their own crop circle, to prove that they were hoaxes.

-- Drink Tree Frog Dark!

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