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Newsgroups: alt.tasteless From: tenney@med.unc.edu (Charles R. Tenney) Subject: Canonical List of David Koresh Jokes Message-ID: <1993May18.073736.13648@samba.oit.unc.edu> Originator: tenney@cahaba Organization: UNC-CH School of Medicine Date: Tue, 18 May 1993 07:37:36 GMT Lines: 743

Well, here is THE canonical list of Jokes about the all-but-forgotten little flamefest out at Ranch Apocalypse. I was myself privileged, BTU^HW to have left the TV on after the noontime news, through one soap opera and into another. Whilst fixing lunch I heard "we interrupt this program to bring you a special report." Yes, when I first heard of the fire, those people were all still alive. I got to watch the fire develop and spread, and get to the point where escape was difficult, then unlikely, then impossible. Then the fire trucks showed up. My only regret about seeing it was my failure to recognize that I do not own a videotape that would not have been worth taping over. I recall thinking that since they were worried about risk to the fire dep't, they could sure have used a few of those armored cars with water cannon in the turret, like the Polish Gov't was using against its own people a few years back. Hell, they're not using them now, and could have used the dollars we'd have paid in rent. Not that there'd be anything tasteful about saving the lives of those cultists, and the innocent children--unless the BATF, with typical forethought, had neglected to see that the water tanks were full, necessitating an emergency fillup at the nearest septic tank.

But I digress. I honestly thought I had everything I'd seen in this file, but I now realize I'm missing one of the rec.humor.funny postings. I can tell because that contained my own "Recipe" which appears first below (hey, it was the first one I saw). It was attributed to "heard from a friend." Too bad, there were some good ones in there. This does, however, contain the rec.humor.funny posting that Nigel Allen posted a couple of days ago. I apologize for duplicates, missing attributions, and extraneous junk lines but I was haphazard about the way I stuck stuff in here. So, without further ado:

Recipe:

Obtain one Lamb o' God. Garnish with approximately 90 vegetables, and seal up tightly with Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Allow them to stew in their own juice for 51 days, then sear quickly using a wood fire.

Serves 1 media circus.

[Hmmm. That really should be "Obtain one Lamb o' God, brains removed." Also, it needs the "Marinate for 6 hours with CS teargas" that shows up in the other recipe. --CRT]

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Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, BD's use natural lighting.

Q: How many BDs can you fit in the back of a Volkswagon? A: All of them, right now. The ones who left are wimps, and don't count.

Q: Whats the heat capacity of a BD? A: Not high enough, apparently.

Bonus Question: Is a BD at constant volume, constant pressure, both, or neither? A: They are sensitive to pressure and too tightly wrapped. So, constant volume. The final volume change is considered chaotic, and not indicative of their normal state. I have considered it to be instantaneous.

I wanna be a Branch Davidian. I wanna find someone I love and set them on fire, RIGHT NOW.

The things I can learn doing thermodynamics homework. Wow. I hope I spelled Branch Davidian right. -- Brian Simmons, Denver,Colorado,USA. - bsimmons@csn.org End of article 25393 (of 25716)--what next? [^Nnpq]

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Hmmm. This just occured to me: Q: How many BDs can you fit into a Volkswagon ? A: All of them. 9 on the seats, and the rest in the ashtray...

-- Tony Quirke, Wellington, New Zealand. Quirke_a@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz

In article <1asa3B2w165w@hale.cts.com> system@hale.cts.com (System Administrator ) writes: > >I was thinking, now that the Waco mob is gone, shouldn't they be >refered to as Ash Davidians?

In the Calender of the Branch Davidians, Ash Wednesday follows Passover, having come this year on April 19.

-- -- Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of

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From: jcollier@nyx.cs.du.edu (julian collier)

one thing kinda bothers me. they haven't found all that many bodies. they did find that one buried school bus that was cool enough to sustain life. i bet the davidians are hiding out somewhere underground and one day they'll pop up out of their tunnels with machine guns and kill all the fbi and firemen, etc that are poking around in the ashes. just a thought.

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Hot off the timbers, a receipe for Davidian Flambe'

Ingredients:

1 Davidian (preferably young)

1 gallon of lantern fluid (Coleman is the best, cleaner burning)

1 large wood frame house

1 match

100 Cubic Feet of CS gas

30 Knot Southern breeze

100 Gallons of water

Prep:

Marinate Davidian in CS for about 6 hours (add more CS as needed)

Cooking:

Remove Davidian from marinade and reserve liquid

Pour 3 and 3/4 quarts of lantern fliud on frame of house

Pour remainder on Davidian

Light match and apply to house

Allow to cook for 30 minutes. Or until well charred on outside meat should be blackened and falling of the bone.

Put out flames with water

Scoop 1 cup of water off charred section of floor

Add CS marinade to water to make 2 cups of gravy

Remove charred Davidian and cover with gravy

Salt and pepper to taste

Serving suggestion:

serve with a side of asparegus and Hollandaise

Bon Appetit'

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David KorASH & the Ash Davidians Joke List 1.0 ----------------------------------------------

What Does WACO stand for?

1. We Ain't Comin' Out 2. We All Cremated Ourselves 3. When Attacked, CookOut!

What are they gonna call the TV Miniseries about David Koresh?

"A Match Made in Heaven"

What kind of pants do Branch Davidian's wear?

Charred-Ash Jeans

What were David KorASH's Last Words?

"No, Bud Light!" "Just kidding, I'm not really God." "OW!!!!" <- best guess.

What do David KorASH and Burger King Whopper have in common?

They are both flame broiled.

Why is David KorASH still in the news?

Because of his smouldering personality.

What do David KorASH and Richard Simmons have in common?

They are both flamers.

Why did KorASH like the Brach Davidians?

Because they were such a bright group.

When did the FBI get what they wanted?

When KorASH finally went out.

What do David KorASH and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both dead.

What is KorASH wearing right now?

His best Sunday soot.

What else?

Charcoal slacks.

What else?

A smoking jacket.

What do you call Asian Branch-Davidians?

Rice Crispies.

Which Simpsons character is most like David Koresh?

Mr. Burns

Why didn't KorASH surrender to the FBI?

He didn't want to be grilled by authorities.

Why else?

He didn't want the FBI to give him get the 10th degree.

How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?

Both have flammable compounds in them.

Why did David KorASH have so many wives?

They made excellent matches.

David KorASH Favorites:

SONG:

I'm Burning Up Great Balls of Fire Eternal Flame Hot in the City You Light Up My Life Blaze of Glory Disco Inferno Smoke Gets in Your Eyes Burning Down the House

MOVIES:

Fareignheit 451 Towering Inferno Last of the Red Hot Lovers Turk 182 Backdraft Firestarter

MUSICIANS:

Charo David Byrne

ATHELETES:

Arther Ashe

HOLIDAYS:

Ash Wednesday

I GUESS THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: IF YOU SMELL GAS, DON'T LIGHT A MATCH.

(FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR REMARKS ON THIS TRAGIC LOSS OF PRIVATE PROPERTY)

MORE JOKES TO COME AS THIS BURNING ISSUE DEVELOPS...

Waldo waldo@indirect.com

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In article <wwf1.735401853@Ra.MsState.Edu> wwf1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Bill Ford) write s: >geoffm@netcom.com (Geoff Miller) writes: >>(Thomas A. Dennis) writes: >>>Heard this afternoon that the Branch Davidian compound went up in flames. >>>The first thing that popped into my mind was, just what will become of the >>>Korpus Koresh? > >>You mean the Corpus Crispi? > >>Geoff > >David H. Koresh on a pogo stick, you guys are bad. Hee.

That would be a KoreshKabob.

-- -- Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of

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"A.J. Janschewitz" <p00445@psilink.com>

Just think ... if Bill Clintoon had his BTU tax in effect, he could have cleaned up on the heat generated by the Branch "Kindling" Davidians.

Cult members ... a renewable source of energy!

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Article 2700 in rec.humor.funny (moderated): Message-ID: <S540.60e5@looking.on.ca> Date: Thu, 22 Apr 93 3:20:02 EDT Subject: Special WACO, TEXAS issue From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator) Keywords: topical, chuckle, sick, religion Lines: 202

Due to the large number of Branch Davidian jokes, I'm putting out this special issue. For those of you unaware of the situation, this religious group's compound was consumed by fire recently, ending a long siege by US Federal agents.

Obviously, most of these jokes are in the "sick" or "offensive" category. You've been warned.

Original jokes are so designated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Good Ol' Texas Barbecue From: MSINCLAI@drew.drew.edu (Matthew Sinclair)

[My brother, a currency trader in NYC, told me this one; he heard it on the trading floor soon after the burning of the Branch Dravidian's compund was first reported.]

What does Waco stand for?

What a cook out!

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Branch Davidians From: boyd@cs.buffalo.edu (Daniel F Boyd) Keywords: topical, original, chuckle

What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?

A heretic.

What do you call a Scientologist with a flamethrower?

A copycat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Try to remember... (David "Jim" Koresh) From: jbaltz@sci.ccny.cuny.edu (Jerry B Altzman)

Q: Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?

A: They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. (tm)

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: David Koresh was gay From: OTTO@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (M. Otto)

Did you hear that David Koresh was a closeted gay?

He was flaming, but he didn't come out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Why so few prophets? From: mserv@mozart.cc.iup.edu (Mail Server)

Q: Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?

A: It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost inevitable.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: What happened in Waco - history as theatre From: oaf@martigny.ai.mit.edu (Oded Feingold) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, sick, religion Approved: funny@clarinet.com

The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had anyone in the FBI understood that David Koresh was encapsulating Jewish history.

First they re-enacted Passover, then there was the re-enactment of the Warsaw ghetto uprising.

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Waco: The Day After From: mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch)

The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects: Orthodox and Extra-Crispy. *** NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series: Weber Barbecues, Inc. ***

*** Q: What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children? A: Ashley. *** Q: How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco conflagration? A: Strict OSHA standards requring automatic sprinkler systems for all cult compounds that accomodate 50 or more fanatics. *** Q: What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal? A: Crispy Critters!

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Them Waco Wackies From: zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, religion

Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?

A: Roasted nuts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Branch Davidian Membership Drive From: andrew@cubetech.com (Andrew Loewenstern)

heard from my father...:

After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians will be holding a bar-b-que to attract new members.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Blaze of Glory From: hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu (Ben Hitz) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion

Sadly enough, I made this one up:

Q: How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ?

A: God spoke to him through a burning buiding.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: WACO From: LEMON_JOHN@tandem.com

I finally learned from a coworker what WACO stood for:

We All Cooked Ourselves

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: More Texas Barbeque From: cfarmer@orion.convex.com (Claude Farmer)

Heard from a coworker:

What do you get when you cross David Koresh & Jeffrey Dahmer?

Brunch Davidian (barbeque naturally).

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Waco One-Liners From: babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion

Well, since the traditional 45 minute mourning period has passed, it's time for:

BAD WACO ONE LINERS!

These are originals, thought up on the drive to work this morning:

Q: Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians? A: Because of their contribution to global warming.

Q: Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the second messiah? A: He got fired.

Q: Did you hear about the tragedy at Waco? A: Evidently an NBC News crew was trying to move in for a close-up...

Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection? A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame me, but..."

This is too easy...

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Oops! Sorry about that! From: mjassels@cs.concordia.ca (Michael Assels) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion

I bet the Branch Davidians were really surprised when they woke up in Hell.

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Another WACO Acronym From: edg@netcom.com (Ed Greenberg) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion

WACO: We're A Combustible Organization

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Freedom of speech and religion From: john@chance.gts.org (John R MacMillan) Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion

I was just wondering, is it ethical to yell ``Branch Davidian'' in a crowded movie theatre?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

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How do you pick up a Branch Dividian chick?

With a dust buster.

Why did David Koresh burn down his compound?

He was keeping up with the Joneses.

What was the first thing God said when Koresh got to Heaven?

Well done.

-- Ride the steam roller or stand there whimpering and die cboes@gmuvax2.gmu.edu

When koresh comes out of the underground bunker, if he sees his shadow there'll be 6 six more weeks of winter.

Well, now's the time to move in the bulldozers and quickly lay the 15' thick reinforced concrete foundations Waco Branch Davidian Memorial Crematorium & Parking Lot... That should fuck up his plans for emerging unscathed :-) Of course the FBI should set up listening devices in case he tries tunneling, in which case the site for disposing of various chemical & biological weapons will be some tunnel near Waco.

Q: What would Koresh be doing were he to be alive now? A: Scratching on the roof of his bunker.

Mike

-- The "usual disclaimers" apply. | Meiko Mike Stok | Reservoir Place mike@meiko.com | 1601 Trapelo Road Meiko tel: (617) 890 7676 | Waltham, MA 02154

What sound did the tank make as it demolished the wall of the compound in Waco Texas?

Kor-eEESHH!

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: New Reality Show Scheduled for NBC This Fall From: burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)

NBC announced plans for a new show this fall that essentially revives an old show: "The FBI".

Scripts are only now being worked on, but the theme music for the show has already been decided:

"We didn't start the fire..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Waco/David Koresh From: 73256.3042@compuserve.com (Phil Salkie) Keywords: topical, chuckle, original

Well, David Koresh is going to go down in the annals of psychiatric history. He's the first person ever to have a 1400 acre Messiah complex.

I can't believe that the FBI, with all its resources, didn't know what would happen once they sent the tanks in. After all, even a first-year medical student knows that a compound fracture is always followed by an inflammation.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Waco jokes missing from the Special Issue From: glreno@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Gerald Reno)

These were floating around the office, but not in your special issue!

How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman? With a dust-buster

What did God say to David Koresh when he met him? Well done.

What is the new Branch Davidian holiday? Ash Monday.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: New Taste Treat From: mrs@netcom.com (Morgan Schweers)

Sent to me by a friend... (sej@aol.com)

From the blackened hills of Apocalypse Ranch . . .

WACO CRISPS (tm) Tangy Self-Fried Zealots _Now flavored with spicy pepper gas!_

Waco Crisps (tm) . . . a tempting taste-treat containing a healthy blend of gun nuts, battered and smoked kid, and chunks of genuine imitation Lamb of God.

Another quality snack the makers of MOVEable Feasties and Jonestown Jambalaya.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you have when you put Dahmer, Koresh and Mike Tyson in the same room?

The butcher, the baker and the license plate maker. (Stolen from a.t.j)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vinnie Jordan vinniej@sco.COM "Liberace was a great piano player, but he sucked on the organ." Mike Oxbig +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In article <1993May11.145039.11910@cc.umontreal.ca> coady@ERE.UMontreal.CA (Mich ael Coady) writes: >Hello all, > Hope you can forgive me if this one has already made the rounds, >but what do you get when you cross Jeffrey Dahmer and David Koresh? >Brunch Davidian.

It has already made the rounds, and I don't forgive you.

At least this post gave me an opening for an interesting tidbit of information I happened across recently. I was browsing through my newest textbook, "201 Russian Verbs", when quite by accident I noticed that the Russian word "korish'" means "you are smoking". No shit. "Smoking" as in "smoking a cigarette", but still...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "This machine is called a 'death-ray projector' and a Sean McAfee ruby is put in to act on the light molecules. Thus, the smmcafee@mtu.edu waves of light are broken down." --from "Gamera vs. Barugon"

Found this on rec.humor.funny

Now that the crisis in Waco is settled, the Justice Department has embarked on a search for other Branch Davidian cultists from across the country.

Initially, they were going to put their pictures on milk cartons, but then decided match books would be more appropiate. Article 2757 (2 more) in rec.humor.funny (moderated): Message-ID: <S555.5b12@clarinet.com> Date: Thu, 13 May 93 12:20:02 EDT Subject: But he sure got nailed From: mjamroz@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Margaret Jamroz) Keywords: topical, smirk, religion Lines: 14

After examining the remains of David Koresh, apparently they found a hole in his forehead.

No mention of any in his hands or feet, though.

maggie jamroz northwestern university medical school -- -- Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of | Medicine want with my opinions? "My karma ran over my dogma." | What would I want with theirs?