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From: d9rd@dtek.chalmers.se (Robert P L Danielsson) Newsgroups: rec.humor,eunet.jokes Subject: 70 viticisms guaranteed to offend almost anybody Summary: Offensive Keywords: Offensive, racist, sexist, etc ... Message-ID: <C1Iw2C.15L@news.chalmers.se> Date: 27 Jan 93 17:18:11 GMT Organization: Chalmers University Of Technology Lines: 454

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Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?

A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !

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Q. Whats the difference between a nigger and a tyre ?

A. Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them ...

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Q. Why did the Irisman refuse to be a Jehovas Witness ?

A. Because he didn't see the accident ...

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Q. Why do Iraquians carry shit in their wallets ?

A. For identification.

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Q. How do you get a kleenex to dance ?

A. Blow a boogie into it.

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Q. Why did the poof get fired from the job at the spermbank ?

A. He was caught drinking on the job ...

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Q. Whats the definition of a perfect woman ?

A. a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.

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Q. How do you get four poofs on a barstool ?

A. Turn it upside-down ...

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Q. Why don't Westindian cheerleadergirls do the splits ?

A. They would stick to the floor !

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Q. Why do blacks wear widebrimmed hats ?

A. To prevent birds from shitting on their lips.

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Q. Why do blacks wear platform shoes ?

A. To stop their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

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Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?

A. Sheep.

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Q. How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ?

A. "Trust me!"

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Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?

A. Two hours of begging.

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Q. What do you get if you cross Bo Derek with a nigger ?

A. 10 of spades ...

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Q. What do you do in case of fallout ?

A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes !

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Q. What has six legs and eats pussy ?

A. You, me and Billy Jean King.

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Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?

A. Slow natives.

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Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?

A. Two lips on your organ ...

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Q. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a gorilla ?

A. A dumb gorilla.

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Q. What does it say inside a nigger's lips ?

A. Inflate to twenty pounds.

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Q. Why brixton niggers have such small steeringwheels ?

A. So that they can drive with their handcuffs on ...

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Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ?

A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.

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Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?

A. Air is free ...

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Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?

A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

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Q. What do you have when you're up to your ankles in niggers ?

A. Afro turf.

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Q. What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ?

A. Fred Astairs face.

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Q. What's yellow ugly and sleeps alone ?

A. Yoko Ono.

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Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?

A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked !

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Q. Whats black and white and has three eyes ?

A. Sammy Davies Jr. and his wife.

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Q. What do Hockey goalies and westindian girls have in common ?

A. They both change their pads after three periods.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a monkey ?

A. Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to fuck niggers.

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Q. Why does Barbara Bush always get on top ?

A. Because George can only fuck up.

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Q. Why did god create the orgasm ?

A. So that niggers should know when to stop fucking.

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Q. What do you do if you see a drowning nigger ?

A. Throw him an anchor.

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Q. How do you save a drowning nigger ?

A. Take your foot of his head.

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Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ?

A. Gifted.

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Q. What do you call an Irishman with four 'O'-levels ?

A. A liar.

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Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?

A. In case you miss.

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Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in poland ?

A. A tourist.

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Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?

A. 100 way to wok your dog.

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Q. How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights ?

A. If she farts, her ankles swell.

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Q. How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear ?

A. Look for dandruff on her shoes.

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Q. Why don't niggers drive convertibles ?

A. Thier lips would slap them to death in the wind.

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Q. What's the definition of mass confusion ?

A. Father's day in Brixton.

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Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?

A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.

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Q. How do you kill a westindian ?

A. Slap the toiletseat over his head while he's taking a drink of water.

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Q. What happens when a jew walks in to a wall with a full erection ?

A. He breaks his nose.

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Q. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway ?

A. It depends on how thin you slice them.

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Q. What's the difference between a bowlingball and a westindian girl ?

A. You can only get three fingers in a bowlingball.

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Q. What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans ?

A. Billy Jeans.

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Q. How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ?

A. When you find a string in your bloody mary.

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Q. Do you know how to save a drowning nigger ?

.. No ?!? Good!

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Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?

A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.

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Q. What's natural dentalfloss ?

A. Pubic hair.

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Q. How did god make puertoricans ?

A. He sandblasted niggers.

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Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?

A. He didn't like the way he was beeing reared.

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Q. Why don't niggers have chequebooks ?

A. Because it's hard to sign your name with a spraypaint.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a Jew with a gypsy ?

A. A chain of empty stores.

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Q. Why do Iraquians smell so bad ?

A. So blind people can hate them as well.

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Q. What are the three greates lies ?

A. 1) Black is beautiful 2) The check is in the mail 3) Of course I won't come in your mouth.

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Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?

A. So you can carry them home like a sixpack.

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Q. How do you brainwash an Irishman ?

A. Give him an enema.

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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?

A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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Q. Why do Italians wear hats ?

A. To know which end to wipe.

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Q. Why did god give the niggers rythm ?

A. Compensation because he fucked up their hair.

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Q. How did the Irish acid-bath murderer loose his hand ?

A. Pulling out the plug.

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Q. What is blue and fucks old age pensioners ?

A. Hypothermia.

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Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ?

A. The view.

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Q. Whats the definition of a vicious circle ?

A. A cunt with teeth.

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If you've read this far and got pissed of, see the Keywords-line ...

Disclaimer: I'm not a racist, I just enjoy all kinds of raw homur. If anyone has some rasist jokes against white folks (Read honkies), PLEASE send them to me, I've only heard one and it has to bee seen 1st hand ...

Rob.

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