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Newsgroups: rec.humor From: dag@col.hp.com (David Geiser) Subject: Re: Looking for St. Peter Jokes Message-ID: <1o7ranINNpnp@hp-col.col.hp.com> Date: 17 Mar 1993 18:40:23 GMT Organization: HP Colorado Springs Division Lines: 258

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name" says St. Peter. "Margaret Thatcher" she replies. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of our illustrious leader. "I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell. Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says: "Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the furnaces to reduce capacity"

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun : "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

Sherlock holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awiting his turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal". "Thats elementary, my dear St. Peter", said the great detective, "He's the one without a bellybutton".

The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession. St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell ...

"Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell."

"What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager.

"Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying to compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on, under emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen."

"The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys salesmen."

"The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program to run under ICLs current OS, whatever that is, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by ICL salesmen."

On hearing this, the DP manager looked worried. A passing Imp took pity on him, and suggested that he try the ICL hell. Upon being asked to explain, the Imp said,

"Well, they never learn in the ICL hell. By the time the salesman have collected the wood to make the cross, found the hardware support engineers and gotten them to nail the bits together, and then called out for the coal, the two hours are almost always over."

A man became suspicious of his wife. He was convinced that she was having an affair with another man although she consistantly denied it. One day he decided to leave work early to try to "catch her in the act". Pulling into the parking lot (they live on the 8th floor of an apartment building), he sneaks up the stairs. Upon reaching the door of the apartment, he hears his wife laughing inside. Trying to open the door silently, he slips and bangs his head against the door with a resounding "BOOM!" but still manages to make a fairly rapid entry. Inside, he sees his wife (looking a bit sheepish) with 2 half filled glasses and a wine bottle. Accusing her of an affair again, she claims that they were both for her. Not believing this for an instant, he makes a rapid search of the apartment, finishing in the kitchen. Finding no one else puts him into a rage and he looks out the kitchen window. There, 8 stories below is a young man rushing out of the building putting on his tie. The husband, convinced that he has found the adulterer goes completely off the deep end, picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, immediately suffers a heart attack and dies. (Setup complete)

At the gates of heaven are three men waiting to get in. St. Peter asks the first one "How did you come to be here my son?". The man replies "Well, this is going to sound strange but I was late for work and was running out of my apartment when this refrigerator dropped out of the sky and killed me." St. Peter checks his books, shakes his head in amazement at what the world below is coming to, and lets the man in.

The second man says "Now I feel really bad. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair. When I saw the previous gentleman rushing out of my building, I thought I had found him. I lost control of my temper and threw the refrigerator onto him. The strain was too much for my heart and I died of a heart attack leaving my innocent wife to fend for herself." St. Peter consults his books for some time, balances the incident against the man's prior life, makes some nondescript sounds and decides to let the man in.

After making a number of notes in his books, St. Peter turns to the third man who says: "Well, I was just sitting there in this refrigerator..."

Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea.

Longfellow: I see the sea, I see the shore, I hear the mighty ocean roar. Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue. Their destination: Timbuktu.

(OK, so Longfellow is a little weak in geography)

Nash: Tim and me, to sea we went, Spied three women in a tent. Since they were three, and we but two, I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.

"Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"

"Yes", says the man," but it was only one time."

St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances."

Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."

St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."

Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."

St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"

Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..."

St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"

Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...

St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"

Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."

St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Episcopalian". St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion"? "Baptist". "Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion"? "Jewish". "Go to room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8". The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8"?

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here".

A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour. The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every culture in Heaven. Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man. "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the Americans. They like to think that they're the only ones here."

-- To know recursion, you must first know recursion. --