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From: mep@vms.macc.wisc.edu (Kurt Krueger, CHSRA) Newsgroups: rec.backcountry Subject: Climbing letters to the editor (part 1) Message-ID: <2714@dogie.macc.wisc.edu> Date: 21 Nov 89 16:06:27 GMT Organization: University of Wisconsin Lines: 663

Since thing have slowed down, I pulled this from my archives. In 1982/83 "CLIMBING" published a set of letters I wrote. Some people say they were similar to the "National Lampoon" but I don't have to say. These are a second set (of which just a few were published by "Rock and Ice") which were writen in 1983 so the issues are from that time frame (no climbing comp/ discussion of starting a guide association, etc). If no one complains I post the second part in a few days.

CORRESPONDENCE II: THE SEQUEL

by Hard Rock

Dear Editor,

I edited a batch of letter several years ago that I told everyone that I found. They were fairly entertaining and I used the money from their sale to buy more climbing gear. I thought I could get away with another batch of letters by saying these were all the crack pot letters that I edited out of the first batch. Good intro, huh? You want to buy any of these? We are talking quality stuff here. One thing I want to try is to make this a no smoking story. So maybe you could put in bold letters above this story: NO SMOKING!!!

Hard Rock

*************

Dear Editor,

I am sick and tired of topping out after 80 feet. I am speaking of climbing at Devil's Lake. I'm getting too old to drive all night to get to Boulder or the Gunks. I'm not a young climber anymore. The situation is especially sad since there is no reason for this. The technology for improving this situation is already in place. We, the climbers of the Lake (and I'm speaking for myself here) need and demand a 600 foot climbing Wall. It should have at least 40 climbs requiring different techniques. We could have the Naked Edge, Northcutt-Carter, and the famous Castle Crack all from Colorado. Easy O placed on top of Son of Easy O could be the contribution from the Gunks. We could take the best >from everywhere. We could use the book of the 50 classic climbs. I'm even interested in having loose rocks to simulate real conditions. My lawyer friend said there may be a law suit problem with that, though. Financing this thing would be the big problem. If one of those Everest Expeditions would give up their funding we could have our climbs. Or maybe we could sell T-shirts: Go Climb a Wall. Another possibility is to convince the Pentagon that the armed forces need a climbing wall. A sure fire way to raise some monies would be to sell off the first ascents on the wall. Maybe equipment companies would buy a climb and name if after a product. We are really going to need the climbing community's support on this one. Write to your congress people, AAC, climbing store, equipment manufacturers and Devil's Lake State Park. The wall you build may be your own.

Signed, Sincerely Mabel Marble

P.S. Some of the environmental people thought we could just move the boulder field to reveal more vertical rock. But with that being some 400-500 feet high, I think it would be more costly. Of course, if every climber took down a boulder after a day of climbing, it might not be that bad.

************* Dear Editor,

I know the climbing community has a distaste for regulations but one more is required. The situation of bike riding climbers running down pedestrian climbers on approaches to El Cap makes the following regulation effective immediately:

Be it known to all members of the climbing community, the honorable Park Service through it's honorable agents, known as Park Rangers will hereafter enforce a ban on Mountain Bikes within 200 yards of the Cap.

I will thank you ahead of time for your cooperation. Remember your Park Service: Better living through regulation.

Thank you, Ranger Rick

P.S. Jimmy Watt just sent us a notice that a whole bunch of mountains under his control are now for sale. But now with his change of jobs, he wants the checks made out to him.

*************

Dear Editor,

Among many other shortages in today's society, I am afraid I have to report that we are almost out of first ascents. If you doubt this, think about the last time you heard a bunch of climber talking. They were talking about who free climbed a pitch of a climb and if anyone was ever going to free the whole climb. According to my calculations we have 14,787 climbs left in the lower 48. "Climbing" reports an average of 124 new climb each issue, so you can see we only have enough climbs to last until 2004. What are the options? We could limit "Climbing" (or at least Basecamp) to publishing 4 times a year (rather than 6), which woud cut back first ascents by 33%. Another option would be to have a voluntary restriction on the number of first ascents any climber would do. Say five. We could get little coupon books printed up. If a voluntary plan didn't work I'm sure the government wouldn't mind having a mandatory program.

-Cry Wolf

P.S. Since people doing first free ascents are renaming climbs on the basis of better style I would like to rename Mount McKinley. I did it semi-alpine, in much better style than the preacher. I didn't have any firewood. From now on McKinley will be KRUEGER ROCK, after my great aunt.

*************

Dear Editor,

Just for the hell of it why doesn't "CLIMBING" start an impeachment campaign against the President of the American Alpine Club. We could make up charges against him (or is it her)? It would be something to do.

Thanks, Bored in Eldo

*************

Dear Editor,

Just a quick note to let you know that the President of the United States signed a proclamation stating that March 14 to March 20 will be: Take a Climber to Lunch Week. Who says the AAC doesn't do anything? Other DC happenings: The Attorney General's Office reports it is dropping the suit against the proposed merger of the Taylor Falls (the Yosemite of the Midwest) Climbing School and the Hinkley Ledge (the Taylor Falls of Ohio) Guides. This will allow clients to climb in each area and get a more Alpine experience. Plus the clients get cheaper rates (and I'm told a 25% coupon in your local climbing magazine will give the public even cheaper rates). With this merger we are looking for big things. The Wisconsin Governor, Tony, has signed a bill proclaiming Brinton's Crack as the "State Climb". The local University climbing club has been working on this law for the past year and a half. In the yearly report to the Alpine Club President Andy Schultz said, "It took 500 person-hours but we did it. This is a important piece of legislation and I think it puts Wisconsin in the forefront of climbing and state symbols". Also I wanted to let you know the support group for climbers trying to quit climbing has changed their meeting >from Mondays to Tuesdays. The report is almost ready for rating of all the US's climbing areas.

The ratio picked to rate the climbing areas is:

N _ > number of climbs @ a free rating(i) - total climbs at an area i=1

The area with a ratio of above 1.0, wins.

Thanks, The AAC

*************

Dear Editor,

I was going to review Galen Rowell's new book about Alaska but found that when I got to the store I couldn't afford it. I didn't bother even to ask about the Asian book. In fact they wouldn't even let me touch it. So I went to this movie instead. The movie wasn't very good so I decided not to write any review.

So long, T. C. Bicky

*************

Dear Editor,

We the makers of BE's unfortunately have to recall all the shoes we sold from June, 1980 to September, 1981. Frank was on a hard move on the Apron when his shoe lace broke. His doctors are still trying to fine enough skin to graft onto his face. Analysis of the shoe lace resulted in the findings of sub-par strength/diameter ratio. That means they are no good. Your local dealer of our shoes has been instructed to install new shoe laces. This will be done, of course, at no charge to the consummer. The easiest way for you to check to see if your laces are defective is tie into your climbing rope with the suspect shoe lace between your harness and the rope. Take a 15 to 20 foot leader fall. If the lace breaks, change it. Oh yeah, do this test close to the ground.

Sincerely Steve Erickson, Marketing VP

*************

Dear Editor,

I would like to report that there were no new routes done in Yosemite this month, or at least none that I heard about. I was going to do a route on the 31st just so I had something to report, but it turned out that the month only had thirty days. Too many drugs. Anyway, I'll try to get something to report next month.

Truly yours Kor Rest A Pond It

*************

Dear Editor,

I'd like to go public. Yes, I'm the Climbing Avenger. It's true I've stolen pins off racks and cut holes in the bottom of chalk bags, but don't you see, I know what's best for everbody. I'm not kidding. When I was in the CFC (Climbers For Christ), I got closer to him then any of the other guys. That's why I went to solo Everest. Anyway I just want to say I'm really sorry about that one guy. Up until he fell, it was really neat. The crowd even clapped when I came sliding down the rope (I did it in about 3 bounces) and removed the guy's chalk bag without even slowing down. Perhaps I went a little overboard yelling about the "Climbing Avenger Striking Again". How was I supposed to know the guy was going to freak out without his chalk bag and take a 40 foot ground fall. He should have had more protection in anyway. I've been to the hospital twice and I've given him his chalk bag back. I just wanted all the little ones who still believe in the 'CLIMBING AVENGER" that anyone can make a mistake. And remember its the end that counts.

Sorry everyone, The Climbing Avenger

P.S. For all you guys gardening, it won't do you any good. I've started packing the cracks with dirt and planting seeds in them.

*************

Dear Editor,

Play for more than you can afford to lose, and you will learn about hospital care.

The wise one

*************

Dear Editor,

Does a tree fall in a forest if no one is there to hear it. And if a light is on inside a refrigerator even if the door is closed, then does rock exist if there are no climbers? That's about as wise as that junk "The Wise One" writes. Where did you find that guy? Do us all a favor and lose him.

Sincerely, A critic

P.S. Ever wonder about the significance of Boulder being call Boulder? Or Yosemite being Indian for "Big Walls". Of the Gunks being Latin for "Vulgerians"?

*************

Dear Editor,

I never believed any of the stories in this column until it happened to me. I had just done the first pitch of Double Overhang at Devil's Lake. As I was pulling over onto the belay ledge (the big one) there was this beautiful and I mean beautiful chick. Her face was the fairest I'd ever seen and her body just didn't quit. Her first words were, "What took you so long?". Before I could even say "Off belay" she kissed me, tongue and all, and started to undo her blouse. My belayer was yelling up to see if I was off belay. I didn't bother to answer him but just untied from the rope. The rope slide down to the ground, leaving the protection hanging in the crack, so that started my belayer yelling again. I ignored him, since I had more important things on my mind. She was naked by this time and started to . . . . Hey, what is this? This isn't Penthouse! What magazine is this? Climbing. I must have gotton the letters mix up. Ah. Got to go. See you later. Bye.

*************

Dear Editor,

OK. If you guys don't want to spring for a climbing wall for Devil's Lake, how about a dome? We could cover about a quarter mile in the CCC area on the east bluff. It would only have to be about 70-80 feet high. That wouldn't cost that much? Then we could climb year round like everybody else.

Sincerely, Ms. Marble

*************

Dear Editor,

I am in shock that you printed that sex letter above. You should have made every effort to locate the guy and find out what happened. I've been checking out all the Penthouses but so far, nothing.

Wondering in Ohio

P.S. For all you climbing historians out there, I first used the expression "NP" in June of 1977. I used it to mean No Problem, not No Protection as it is commonly used around Hinkley today. I'll tell you another one of my sayings about Hinkley: Hinkley Ledges: Chalk it, or leave it.

*************

Dear Editor,

I just started climbing last year and am really getting into it. I have been reading quite a bit and just got done reading "Climb". It's about the history of climbing in Colorado. Anyway the last chapter is this big interview about two guys named Wunsch and Erickson. They make these guys look like heros. Well. Personally, I'm apalled at Erickson's lack of ethics. If I even think I'm going to fall I come down from the climb. And further more I not only wouldn't even consider going back to do the climb, as a leader or a second -- I won't even look at the climb. I do chalk for a climb but I'm not one of those lowly people that pre-chalk a climb. And I certainly wouldn't those new lasar guns for gardening cracks.

The high and the mighty

P.S. Could you answer me one question that's not in the instruction books? When measuring a leader fall, do you go >from where your head started to where you feet end up, or head to head, or highest part to lowest part? My friends and I add up the feet of flying and it makes quite a difference.

*************

Dear Editor,

When that joker (Tom Baker, Climbing #215) called HR a "has been" because of his Conrad Linski Elbow and accused him of rating climbs on his reputation, Baker has traveled into the range of 5.13 moves. By that I mean he is flexible enough to place his foot into his mouth. He was listening in on a conver- sation HR was having with me in which the Rock stated: "I freed When Butterfly Hug Bumble Bees (a climb) at five ten. Baker rated it 5.8 in his letter. I know it's only 5.7D. So does HR. Baker assumed HR was rating the climb. In fact, HR was responding to my question of: "What time did you free Bumble Bees?". The five ten answer was 5:10 in the afternoon. I hope that clears up the honored name of HR.

Sincerely, Tom Glass

*************

Dear Editor,

I writing in regards to what I consider the greatest threat ever to climbing. Greater than pitons and chalk. Greater even than Patagonia clothing and fashion. I am talking about COMPETITION. And not just any competion. I'm talking about the Survivial of the Fittest Competion. What is this stuff? Climbers are supposed to be non-competitive. What's even worse, I heard that the low lifes in this contest even excepted money. I feel that, like any amateur athlete in this country, if these climbers can't make their money under the table, they don't deserve to have it. Like the Olympics, I believe the AAC should require them to give up their "blood money" to retain their climbing status. They don't call it FREE climbing for nothing. I wish climbers would remember that they are in the public view and would conduct themselves accordingly. Remember, young people look up to climbers. We are the last of a breed, the young, the upper class, participating in sports only for the joy and an inner test. If they refuse, the AAC should not let them climb in areas under their control, not let them stay in the Teton Climber's Ranch, not use the AAC library, and press the climbing magazine (and it's own Journal) not to mention these climbers. Also any guidebooks publish by the AAC would have these climbers (and their climbs) removed. Furthermore the AAC could press other clubs (as the Sierra Club) to take similar actions and press the manufacturing industry not to sell these people gear. In the event these sinners repent(turn in the money), the AAC could then do some goodwill projects, like give grants to promising young writers. Or support organizations like the DLFA. The DLFA as I understand it stands for the Devil's Lake Friends Association (according to my best sources). This association, as I understand it, does good deeds as: (1) Clean up trails and the litter, (2) Help newcomers to the area get orientated and help them find climbs, (3) Help hikers who have wondered onto the climbing trails back to the main trails. My source also mentioned something about the Moral Majority and fighting homosexuality, but he wasn't to clear about that. Anyway the AAC could fund stuff like that rather than a bunch of expeditions which just help a few people. So unless the climbing community bands together to eraticate these types of Republican behavior, we will lose the sport that we have made so pure. Next you see some guy soloing some climb for some TV show like American Sportman, Real People or That's Incredible.

Snow White

*************

Dear Editor,

To the climbers of this great country. I want to let you know I'll let you climb on my lands but you have to help me out. If a few of you require some expensive rescue on federal lands, I can submit a bigger budget for next year.

Sincerely, Jimmy Watt

P.S. There is nothing tricky behind my request.

*************

Dear Editor,

It a sad day for the climbing community. We lost Spokes Kelso the other day. Spokes had a hard day of bouldering and when she was biking home didn't even have the finger strength to operate her hand brakes. She went right into the path of a beer truck (she would have wanted it that way). (I mean if it wasn't in the mountains.) Sad but true. Everyone will of course remember her best for her "Fashions by Fitzroy" show which took the Tetons by storm last year.

Ralph of Manitowoc

P.S. No flowers please, but I know Spokes would want contributions to the Best Dressed Selection Commitee (which chose me in 1981).

*************

Dear Editor,

It's true and I have to get it off my chest. There is nothing more sexest than a woman's expedition. I should know, I was on the last one. It turns out that I was just a token man so that men would give money to the expedition. I never thought my good looks would be a problem. My trouble started inocently enough, just the usual flirtation I experienced hundreds of times in singles bars. The leader said we should rotate tents for greater team unity, and since this is common practice I didn't think anything of it. I was having a good time with each of my tentmates and they were all treating my nicely. Some mornings I wake up and there would be a piece of chocolate or some other goodie in my boot. Because of the night time activities, I was missing alot of my turns for leading and carrying of loads. In fact, I wasn't acclimating very well and I was always tired. I should have become suspicious when it turn out my tentmate always had the next day off. I should have become even more supspicious when the leader put me in charge of the expediton alcohol and had me move it into my tent. Finally one of the women slipped up as I was coming into the dinner tent. She didn't see me and was asking the group, "Who wants the stud tonight?". The truth finally hit home, I was a Male Prositute on a Women's Expedition. I earned my keep by serving their needs. I felt so cheap. So used. Well I left the expedition immediately. I heard the official story about me not acclimating and not holding up my share of the expedition. I just wanted the truth to come out

Name withheld on request

*************

Dear Editor,

How can I start this out? OK, I admit I was a little stoned but I swear what I say is true. It was last May, I was part way up Krueger Corner(5.7 C; I top roped it on sight a long time ago), up where it's an offwidth. Now you can ask anyone up at Devil's Lake if Hard Rock can climb offwidth. They will all tell you "no way". Well anyway, I figure this climb doesn't know. So, I say, "Climb, I going to blast up you." All of a sudden, I swear its true, the rock kind of shuddered and the offwidth closed to a fist and hand crack. If you don't believe me go look for yourselve. I blasted up the climb. So I learned one thing: You can bullshit the rock. I going to try Fly or Die next.

Sincerely, H. Rock

*************

Dear Editor,

I would like all my friends around the country to know that I have legaly changed my name from Hard Rock to High Riser. It sounds much more artistic. Lofty.

Sincerely, High Riser

P.S. You guys calling me "Soft Mud" had nothing to do with my decision.

*************

Dear Editor,

I like to think of myself as a pretty ethical guy. I started climbing during the heyday of Royal Robbin's writing and grew up with the idea of "the Climber as an Artist". Mr. Robbins took a beating on that point so I decided to clear his name. On a first ascent going up the left side of the North Face of North Traper I painted several works of art. There is some stuff about the animals we saw on the hike in. One is of my parents (artists are sensitive people). A few pieces of modern art (they aren't particularly good) and of course, a few about rock climbing. This is a pretty nice route if you follow the paintings. It took us 3 1/2 days with all the paintings but if you're not an art lover and keep moving right along you can do it in a day.

Signed, Andy Or Hull

*************

Dear Editor,

Did I ever get a great idea from my friend Bob Sierist. You know how sometimes you can't let go to chalk up? Well, Bob's idea is for the climber to have tubes running down the arms connect to a squeeze bulb placed in the arm area and connected to the main chalk supply elsewhere on the climbers body. Then when ever chalk is needed, you simply squeeze the bulb under your pit. You could also have something hook up to brain waves, or skin moisture but that would be kind of like putting too much technology into climbing. Isn't it amazing how the best ideas are always so simple?

Keep on trucking, Irving Joseph Kelly III

*************

Dear Editor,

Spokes Kelso and I were working on one very important project when she met her untimely fate. I wish to take advantage of her death and use it to plug our project. Our purpose? I remember walking into the local climbing store when Spokes wasn't working and I had to sell the gear and tie the knots. What would have happened if the climbing gear was sold by amateurs? It doesn't matter how people learn to climb; friends, climbing club, guides, books or the school of hard knocks. Every climber must buy their gear (few make their own) and every climber therefore is dependent on his/her Gear Selecting Professional (GSP) or as the general climbing public know them, Climbing Store Clerk. Now I admit the government has yet to regulate the GSP's, but I feel it's only a matter of time. So just in case they might, we should jump the gun and organize this before they get a chance. This may be sooner than we think. I had a call >from the Commerce Department the other day. Somehow there was a leak and the Commerce Department had in their possession a memo from Spokes to myself dealing with GSP certification. They were quite interested in the possibilities of regulation. Fortunately the government moves very slowly so we can still get the jump on them. But speed is of the essence. To drop a few names to impress you, besides our honorary president Spokes Kelso of No Place, we have in our organization: Tom Smart of Slush and Snow, Ken Wading of Eldorado Mountaineer, Tofer McBain of Climbing Gear, Inc., and Kelly Thomas of The Altantic Chrome-Moly and Fashion Works. You probably are wondering what our qualification are:

- 5 years climbing sales experience - A log showing 15 climbing sales per week over the last climbing season - Check out on a computerized cash register - Recomendation of three customers who will say good things about you. - Use of the employee discount for no more than 15% of your yearly income (no gear freaks). - Gone climbing at least 3 times and once in the past year. - A veteran of a dozen big gear shows. - Pass a quiz based on the following instruction books: "Climbing A Guide to Mountaineering" by Ray Bridge "Starting Mountaineering and Rock Climbing" by D. Law - Good working knowledge of buzz words. - Personal Library at home of 50 current (< 3 yrs) equipment catalogs. - Certification of Attendance at a "Bore-Tex, Myth or Miracle" workshop. - Hands on experience and knowledge of computer software which matches climbers with gear, based on the climbers attributes (size, strength, psycholog- ical profile). - Obviously you must have mastered the book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Canadian title: "How to Win Buddies and Influence People".

I know this letter is getting long but everything I'm saying is of the utmost importance. If this thing takes off even I will be important. As you can see our standards are the toughest in the world, but we are playing for keeps. Remember, a climber is only as good as his/her equipment. And the equipment is only as good as the Gear Selecting Professional. Our original group will review the qualifications of the applicants for certification. We want the climbing community to realize that 83.5% of our selection commitee had 72.8% of our qualifications with a significance level of 12.2 and 19.87%, respectivly. Nothing to hide here. Besides serving the public, the climbing community, insurance companies, manufacturing industries and the government bureaucracy, we could also act as a union for the clerks, I mean professionals. We could get double digit hourly salaries, paid vacations and medical benefits. After all we are professionals and should be compensated as such. There is no reason why a GSP couldn't be paid more than the owner or manager of a store. We are having a special sale on membership for the first 50 members. Only $10. After that the yearly fee goes up to $50. There is one more touchy requirement. All bribes over $100 should be handle by our headquarters (with 10% deducted for handling). I think you will find we can get you a better deal.

Thanks, Judy Selection Committee [Gear] Association of Selection Professionals (GASP)