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Newsgroups: rec.humor.d From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob) Subject: Re: WANTED: Existence of Idaho paper Message-ID: <1992Dec14.075615.73515@gibdo.engr.washington.edu> Sender: news@u.washington.edu (USENET News System) Organization: University of Washington Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 08:16:46 GMT Lines: 275

From the Idaho Archives:

THE TRUE STORY OF IDAHO =======================

In the early days of California (ca; 1849), Dr Levi Strauss founded a clothing factory just west of what is now the UC Berkeley campus. Catering to the young miners (from whence we get the legal term "minor"), he created a line of tough, comfortable working clothes, called "blue jeans". These went over very well, but soon, FOREIGN COMPETITION, in the from of cheap French designer jeans, reared its ugly head, winning market share from the factory of the good Dr Strauss. In an attempt to maintain its own market share, Dr Strauss' designers came up with a variety of other styles of jeans, the most famous (or infamous) being the "bib overall". Upon seeing this monstrosity for the first time, Dr Strauss demanded of his Chief of Product Development "Where are we going to sell this disgusting piece of denim?" The chief's reply of "I dunno" was misinterpreted by Dr Strauss, who sent his best salesman (western district) to sell bib overalls in a place called "Idaho."

The salesman's name was Billybob Boise, and he set out in search of the fabled Idaho. He searched all through the west, but no one had heard of the place. In desparation, running out of money, winter setting in, and weighted down by several tons of bib overalls, Billybob built a cabin in the middle of a wild potato field. He soon made friends with the locals, who were fascinated with the bib overalls, and traded different varieties of cooked potatos and canned fish to acquire them. Demand was so great, in fact, that Billybob had to erect a temporary storage facility to house all the potatos and canned goods. Over the main entrance, he placed a sign with his last name, Boise, emblazoned in solid wood.

Soon, spring came, and Billybob knew it was time to return to California with his treasures of potatos and canned goods. Bidding a fond farewell to the friends he now called "Idahoers" he set out for Dr Strauss' with his new-found riches. Dr Strauss was understandably overjoyed at seeing what Billybob had brought back, the normal California diet of sushi, pesto, avocado, and white meat fast becoming a bit boring, and arrangements were made to set up a huge trading company in the land known as "Idaho". Billybob returned to Idaho in spring of the following year, in a wagon laden with mor bib overalls and a new kind of footwear known as 'clod hoppers', to trade for the valued potatos and canned goods. Unbeknownst to Billybob, however, in his absence, the greedy dentalfloss barons of Montana, led by the mightiest of flossers, Phineus the Irregular, had invaded the land known as Idaho, seized the warehouse labelled Boise, renamed the land "Spudsylvania" and set up a private army to control the expected thriving trade.

Met at the border by panicked refuges, Billybob knew his dreams of thriving trade were in grave danger. Calling upon his military training (he'd once had a set of toy soldiers as a child), he outfitted his friends in new bib overalls and clod hoppers, and began drilling them daily under the hot Spudsylvanian sun in the various military arts. When they were finally ready Billybob and his army of "red necks" as they were now called set out to confront the enemy, known as "Spud boys."

A series of inconclusive clashes followed, with the valiant red necks unable to inflict a decisive defeat on the better-trained spud boys. Finally, on Arbor Day, 1860, one of those most epic clashes in American history took place outside the old Boise warehouse. The red neck spies reported that the main spud boy army was sampling from a device (known as a "still" for its effect on human mobility) that Billybob had built in the warehouse to try store potatos in liquid form, and were curiously uncoordinated. Seeing his opportunity, Billybob immediately ordered an attack, and in the violence that ensued, the spuds were routed. The main army was split up, and half the forces returned to Montana in disgrace, while the other half was chased by angry red necks all the way across the Bering Straits, where they took their knowledge of liquid potatos. (Historians note: this explains why the natural animosity between rednecks and the drinkers of potato-mash exists to this day.)

The victorious red necks, resplendent in their new bib overalls and clod hoppers, built a city around what remained of the warehouse, naming after the only surviving structure, the sign emblazoned with a defiant "Boise." They re-renamed the area "Idaho" and to this day, grateful residents name their boys (and sometimes their girls) Billybob, in honor of Idaho's first hero and governor, Billybob Boise.

Now this is a true story. It was told to me by my father and if you call my father a liar, I shall have to ask you to step outside! The land known as "Idaho" is therefor not really Idaho, but an area of the same name, occupying the exact same area, which is no doubt where the confusion about its existence arose. For the more skeptical among you, I list at the end, several references.

1) Encyclopedia Erratica, v 12, pp 392-412 "Idaho: Theory and Practice"

2) The Good ol' Boys Monthly, Aug 1960, pp 20 - 48, "A Salute to Bib Overalls: 100 years and goin' Strong"

3) A Brief History of Canned Goods, 1978, J B Bilgewater and Assoc

4) Internal memo, June 6, 1984, "Emergency contingency plans LXI: A defense of the Idaho potato fields in the event of a second Montana takeover attempt" US French Fry Cook Assoc

5) Excerpts from Woodrow Wilson's (first president to visit Idaho) speech of May 12, 1913, where he utters the now-famous "Ich bin ein Idahoer"

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THE "STATE" OF IDAHO: THE CASE FOR OPEN DEBATE ==============================================

If you would ask any schoolchild how many states there are in the United States, you will get the same answer: 50. Fifty states in the Union. It is simply an accepted "fact." If you would disagree with this supposed "fact," you would be branded insane or worse.

However, mounting evidence shows that there are in fact only 49 states in the US, and the "state" of Idaho is a baseless myth.

We have been trying to distribute and publish this information for over *two years*, but our scholarship has not been given any respect. We have been censored, vilified, ridiculed and spat upon by the "traditional" geographers and historians, but WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

All we ask is that the existence of the state of Idaho be debated, as every other historical and geographic "fact" can be debated. Time after time, our opponents have refused to debate us on the FACTS. This alone should tell you something about the people who support the "existence" of this "43rd state."

Please read the following evidence VERY CAREFULLY, and you will be astonished at the veracity of our cause.

THE POPULATION MYTH

Do you know anybody from Idaho? Do you know anybody *who knows anybody* from Idaho? According to the 1990 "census," there are over one million (1,000,000, or 1 x 10^6) people living in Idaho. But if there are so many Idahoers, where are they?

Some people have come forward and claimed that they were born and raised in "Idaho." But *every single person* who made this claim have been shown to be frauds and charlatans. These "Idahoan wannabes" are invariably inconsistent with each other about the size (in square miles or square kilometers) of "Idaho," about various town and village names, and even about the names of "Idaho's mighty rivers."

THE SIZE FARCE

According to traditional geographic sources (created entirely by people who believe in the existence of Idaho, and probably the Tooth Fairy, also) the "State" of Idaho is more than twice the size of Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts *combined.* Isn't it strange that a state with such vast land resources has so few people? And even of you look at a map (created by the Idaho-centric cartographers) the "State" of "Idaho" is dwarfed by its much larger neighbor, Montana.

SATELLITE EVIDENCE

Recently declassified weather satellite information, showing the entire continental United States, shows absolutely *no evidence* that there is any state where "Idaho" is supposedly located. Noted experts in the field of interpreting these pictures unanimously agree that, from outer space, it is impossible to determine the borders of this elusive "state." Yet meteorologists and cartographers routinely overlay these satellite pictures with the outline of states that would seem to indicate Idaho's existence.

PHOTOGRAPHIC "EVIDENCE"

Many people, skeptical of the clear evidence that Idaho does not and never did exist, point to photographs that they've seen in encyclopedias and postcards seeming to show parts of the state of Idaho.

It is important to note that a photograph without a caption is often meaningless. A picture of people in boats surrounded by mountains could have been taken in Colorado or Nevada, but when the holy *caption* says that this is a picture of the "Salmon River" in "Idaho," gullible readers tend to swallow this information whole *without any further examination.*

We have examined literally hundreds of these "photographs," and the ones that are not outright fakes are all clearly taken in other parts of the nation.

ASK THE JAPANESE

It is well known that Americans are woefully ignorant about geography, which is one reason why it is so easy to fake an entire state here. Not surprisingly, most of the effort to create the illusion of Idaho has been expended in the USA.

But if you would ask a typical Japanese or French schoolchild about what he/she knows about Idaho, you will usually get a blank stare. People who are much better at geography than Americans have never heard to this "great state."

THE POTATO MYTH

Any given supermarket in the United States has sacks of potatoes clearly marked "Idaho Potatoes." People make the assumption, that when they are buying these potatoes, that they were *grown* in the "state" of "Idaho."

Actually, "Idaho" is a type of potato, just like "McIntosh" is a type of apple. The FACT is that *many* states have potato crops, as well as foreign countries, and potatoes that say "Idaho" on them are no more from Idaho than Baltimore Orioles all come from Maryland.

SO, WHAT'S THERE?

Nothing. THERE IS NOTHING THERE. We have been so brainwashed by the traditional mapmaking community to think that if Idaho doesn't exist, then there must be some sort of vacuum there instead. This is nonsense.

The very shapes and positions of the states, and indeed of every nation on the planet, is only known through "information" provided by cartographers. It is akin to asking "if Santa's house isn't at the North Pole, then what's there instead?"

THE CARTOGRAPHER CONSPIRACY

The *only evidence* that there is a state called Idaho comes from maps. Everybody has maps, in almanacs, in encyclopedias, and on the walls of every elementary school classroom in America.

Astonishingly, *over 99%* of all maps are created by *cartographers!* If any clearly defined set of people would control any other important industry to that degree, everybody would be up in arms about the undue influence given to a meager few. However, for some reason, Cartographers are immune to such criticism. Any mention about the Cartographer influence over the mapmaking industry (and, as a natural extension, OUR VERY THOUGHTS!) is dismissed as "lunacy."

As an indication of how insidious is this influence, just think: have you ever questioned a map? Maps, being graphical objects, require much less effort to assimilate into our very psyches. Behavioral studies show that people can much more readily understand maps than printed descriptions of geographical areas; in fact, the images on maps tend to go directly into the subconsciousness of Man (Homo Sapiens) without the critical thinking that accompanies reading. In a very real way, Cartographers are the *real* Thought Police.

But they do not work in a vacuum. There are much too few of them to do their real damage unaided. Mapmakers have conspired with the editors of almanacs and encyclopedias to create a fantastic illusion of space where there is none, people where there aren't any, and ski resorts where none exist.

ONLY THE BEGINNING

This is only the tip of the iceberg. We have much more material on this conspiracy, and we have yet to uncover one iota of evidence that Idaho has ever existed. All of the so-called "evidence" is a mixture of falsifications, coersions, lies and exaggerations.

The Cartographers would like nothing better than to silence us. If you do not see any more postings on this subject, then you have clear evidence that their Conspiracy of Silence on Idaho has succeeded, and that Freedom of Speech has been curtailed by the Cartographical Thought Police.

What can you do? All we ask is that you be open minded. Of course, you cannot trust any of the second-hand evidence that you would find in libraries, maps (!), airline schedules or street signs. All you can trust is what we have written here. We are confident that once you evaluate all of the valid evidence, you will be angered by this conspiracy, and motivated to do something about the scum who perpetated this hoax.

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Bob Seattle, Washington