Text File

SHIT HAPPENS

in various world religions ----------------------------

Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage. We don't take any shit.

Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!

New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit in in your mind.

Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit!

Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah) Hey, there's more shit over here! Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...

Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.

Unitarianism: What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.

EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.

Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit happen.

Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen

Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Sikhism: Leave our shit alone

Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

===============================================================================

SHIT HAPPENS

in other various ways -----------------------

Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.

Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.

Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism: Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.

Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.

Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?

Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.

James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Macintosh: (Enough said)

UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!

IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit.

Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd.

Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism: What shit?

Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism: Fish!

Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism: I love when shit happens.

Masochism: Do shit to me!

Sadism: I will shit on you!

Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.

===============================================================================

SHIT HAPPENS

according to the Philospohers -------------------------------

Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?

Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?

===============================================================================

SHIT HAPPENS

in various professions ------------------------

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, there will never again be shit. Shit is bad for the economy.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

===============================================================================

THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

for Sanitation Engineers ------------------------

0th: There is shit. 1st: You can't get rid of it. 2nd: It gets deeper. 3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

KEEP SHOVELING!!