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Article 2566 of talk.bizarre: >From: dwald@yale.UUCP (David Wald) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: Re: Signature contest Date: 25 Apr 87 22:54:07 GMT

The following is a collection of my favorite quotes from peoples recent .signatures. This list is not intended to be complete, just amusing. Some of these have been posted to the contest before, often, perhaps, by their creators. My apologies in those cases. Note that these are not mine. I stick by my .signature.

"WWII was going fine until the Americans asked if THEY could join in, and the whole thing turned into a free-for-all." - Beyond the Fringe --- "I myself am a so called super hero. An extremely local version of a tactical nuclear weapon, if you will." --- "Everything should be made as simple as possible but not simpler." - A. Einstein --- "You speak treason!" "Fluently!" - The Doctor (and others) --- Second Coming Still Vaporware After 2,000 Years --- "Law may be defined as ethical control applied to communication." --- They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes. --- "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" - The Doctor --- "I'm not expendible, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going!" - Avon --- A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. --- "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan, Cosmos --- Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? A: As much as he wants. --- Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" --- "There is only one group which would ever call for the banning of 'The Diary of Ann Frank', and I don't care what they happen to be calling themselves these days." - Alan Moore 1/87 --- "I love to eat them Smurfies Smurfies what I love to eat Bite they ugly heads off, Nibble on they bluish feet." --- "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." - Jane Wagner --- Sanctus Camberus, defensor hominem, fiat voluntas tua. --- Our two main methods of time travel are, 1) stellar flyby 2) use of the Guardian, and 3) .... uh... THREE, our THREE methods of time travel are 1) stellar flyby 2) use of the Guardian, 3) the atavichron, and... um... AMONG our methods of time travel ARE: 1) stellar flyby 2) use of the Guardian, 3) the atavichron, and 4) antimatter implosion!!! -- (I wonder if fanatical devotion to the Pope would work?) --- "What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?" --- "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." --- "People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits." --- "Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." - Socrates "Tell the Truth and run." - Yugoslav proverb --- "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!" --- "La Musique est une science Qui veut qu'on rit et chant et danse." - Machaut (1300-77) --- A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... --- "I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new sitation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization." --- "If thy whole brain offend thee, cut it out" --- Chaste makes waste. --- "Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it." --- "A is A" - Aristotle --- What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" --- "I am not a free man...but I'm reasonable!" #6. --- The squirrel's motto: "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!" --- In the beginning, God said "let there be light!" and there was light. and then God said "no, bud light!" and 3 million years or so, there was bud. --- "Oh, so you're defending yourself, you coward!" - Peter Lorre --- It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps. --- Hour after hour, cup after cup, the two men matched their caffeine limits in a traditional contest of the Old West. - Gary Larson. --- "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". - Philip K. Dick --- Members of the jury, does this gentle, loving, grandmotherly, frail old lady remind you of a coldblooded, psychotic serial killer? Would you, in good conscience, convict her of this heinous crime which decent folks will not describe, and to condemn her to the electric chair? ... Er, You would?

Eh, your honor sir, my client is guilty. --- jihi sureba if you are tender to them funwo suru nari the young sparrows suzume no ko will shit on you - Issa (1763-1827) --- "And it shall some to pass that idiots shall roam the earth, and morons shall rule the masses." --- Heavy, adj: Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. --- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." --- "My stars, it's full of G-d!!!" --- "She said, 'I know you....you cannot sing', I said, 'That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'" - Morrisey --- "We are upping our standards,...so up yours." Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. --- "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry me back to old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun." - Hawkeye, M*A*S*H --- "The national association of theater concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." - D. Letterman --- If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman --- "A man without God is like a fish without a bicycle." --- "Mr. Spock doesn't say, 'Let's blast their buns off.'" --- "Circular logic will only make you dizzy." - Peri "I know a computer when I talk to one!" - The Doctor --- t'E Ir. <<Have you any idea what it takes to be an elf in this crazy world?>> --- "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of 'Scientific Creationism'." --- "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like" - Avon --- Grind Wheeze Grind TARDIS dematerializing. Clear the time lines. Wheeze Grind-- --- Why doesn't the Bat Computer ever crash? --- "Gentlemen! This is a serious court proceeding, not a debating society for maladjusted psychotic sociopaths!" - The Inquisitor --- "What! You've been assigned to SECURITY? On the ENTERPRISE? Boy, I sure hope your insurance is paid up, pal!" -- overheard in a corridor, Star Base 5 --- "According to Homer, Ithaca is an island surrounded by rough tides, rocky shores, and otherwise man-breeding features. But, considering the kind of man Odysseus was, I don't blame you for not liking it." - Ashley Barfield --- "Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig." --- "No government door can be closed against the 1st Amendment and no government action is immune from its force." - Bursey v. US (466 F.2d 1059) --- "That's my wallet you're fondling" "I know! I know!" --- "bus error - passengers dumped" --- "Say what you like, the bicycle has a great past ahead of it!" --- Es ist nicht genug zu wissen, man muss auch anwenden. Es ist nicht genug zu wollen, man muss auch tun. -- Goethe

TRANSLATION: It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it. It is not enough to have wishes, one must also accomplish. --- "Faith is good, but skepticism is better" - Giuseppe Verdi --- "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intamacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." - JEH --- "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles --- "But even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't there's no probability that you certainly would." - Sir Humphrey Appleby on nuclear deterrence --- "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." - Bertrand Russell --- [Quick note for those following Bloom County: "Hands up Spock!" "I'm illogical, I'm illogical! I *LOVE* Pat Robertson!"] --- "Look at them yo-yo's, that's the way ya do it Ya go to grad school, get your PhD" --- QUOTE OF THE DAY:

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--- "A statement of fact cannot be insolent." . . . Orac --- Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. --- "Damn reporters! That wasn't the quote at all! It was 'carry a big SHOVEL'. Sticks, indeed!" - Teddy R. in college --- "An eclipse of the Earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes." --- And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void That others may know

"In the land of the night The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead."

- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. --- "Long live the ideals of Marxism-Lennonism! May the thoughts of Groucho and John guide us in word, thought, and deed!" --- A little learning is a dang'rous thing; Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again. --- "What are we going to do?" "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a short initiation period." --- Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the WAR ROOM! --- Cameramen on strike, Slides at 11 --- Don't expect perfection unless you join the RLRCLC. --- Personally, I like my flying brains dark and evil. --- The Elder Gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. --- "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich) --- Hey Rocky! Watch me pull Cthulhu out of my hat! --- There is no limit to stupidity. Space itself is said to be bounded by its own curvature, but stupidity continues beyond infinity. -- Gene Wolfe --- What the world REALLY needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. --- "You have the right to remain silent, but I wouldn't encourage you to do so. Anything you say will be taken down, altered to my sa- tisfaction and used in a court of law to send you down for a good many years!" --- Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) --- "tout cela m'est egal" -meursault. "it's all the same to me" -eeyore --- "Start at the Beginning, go through till the End, then stop." - King of Hearts, from "Alice in Wonderland" --- "My philosophy, like color TV, is all there in black and white." --- "The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." - Celine. --- "Listen, strange women, lyin' in ponds, distributin' swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farsical aquatic ceremony." --- Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge. --- "Use the Source, Luke!" -- ============================================================================ David Wald dwald@yale-celed.UUCP waldave@yalevmx.bitnet ============================================================================