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From: jn@ukc.ac.uk (Jarod Nash) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Hints on using your Stereo - original Keywords: original, chuckle Message-ID: <S378.6f53@looking.on.ca> Date: Wed, 22 Jan 92 6:30:4 EST Approved: funny@clarinet.com

This was written by a friend of mine (Phil Harris) after recently buying a new HI-FI. He asked me to post this after I suggested that it is worth submitting to RHF.

Jarod -- Troubleshooting Your New Stereo

P. Harris

Problem Probable Cause Remedy ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket and turn socket on

Not turned on Turned off Turn on.

Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get a real stereo.

Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers. sound

Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.

Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.

Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place no aerial record on deck, place stylus on record.

Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace with `Hells Bells' by ACDC set volume to ten, place stylus on record.

Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and or learn to say `eh?'

Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buy what all the lights gramophone and retrieve are for HMV 78.

Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10 small and hole too pound send it to me big for spindle else check for CD player on stereo if there is one, insert into CD player and set volume to ten.

No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or stop buying CDs.

Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three. set to ten

CDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD player Buy car CD player, car stereo place CD in player and set volume to ten.

Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back set too high to shop - it would have been stolen anyway!

CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays tapes Tape CDs. stereo

Don't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buy automatic sequencing gramophone and compact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78. media instant audio transposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone else wacko editing just do it by hand commands like you used to.

Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares and don't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape. deck Attatch sign saying `Outdated Hippy' to forehead, place Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture in CD player skip first 6 minutes place head between speakers and set volume to ten.

Profound deafness Placing head between None. with persistent speakers with volume set tinilus to ten whilst listening cannon detonations.

Other Problems

Does not show Not a television Buy sex pistols album Coronation Street place on deck, place stylus on record and set volume to ten.

Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital and in with a brick loud music learn to eat through a straw.

Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and or you left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.

Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwave CDs melt during play, rip glass and metal only a buzz comes grille from door look from stereo inside and turn on.

Egg on face Stupidity None.

Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriend in bed from mains and take tape from her lips. Plug in Stereo and turn on girlfriend.

Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridge causes a little door. click, but does not play recently purchased Paul Simon album

Light in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder! does not go out completely

-- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.